For me!

So I don't think anyone ever even checks my blog anymore since I never update it...oops!So this is just for me now I suppose! And I can't sleep and have nothing better to do right now! Lately, I have found it extremely hard to fall asleep. My mind just races at night with everything I need to do, everything I have done, and everything I have screwed up. I lay here for about 2 hours and decide it's useless to continue to just lay here and do nothing, so I get up and try to be productive. During the semester, I will usually find something to study, but I don't have anything to study right now! So I guess I will use this blog as just a way to redirect the thoughts in my head and maybe...just maybe, I'll be able to eventually fall asleep. I have got to get a good night's rest tonight because Dad, Adam, and I are driving back up to Utah Friday morning at about 3 am. I am excited to go back to school, but I am a little worried about what will go wrong with me this semester. Every single semester so far I have gotten sick in some way. The first semester I had to get my gall bladder out, the second semester I was in the hospital for throwing up, last semester I had a really bad cough and went to the hospital then at the end of the semester I hurt my knee. Each thing was caused by too much stress. Yes, even the knee. That happened when I was running...trying to run off the stress. I don't know why I stress so much. It's not like I am taking huge loads of classes. I guess I am just a perfectionist and it is impossible for me to be perfect so I go crazy! The most recent semester was probably my roughest so far. I didn't have an organ removed or anything, but emotionally it was tough. I had problems with friends, issues going on at home, and I was trying to figure myself out all the while trying to make sure every single person I know was being taken care of. It was also hard because I don't really have Rob anymore. He was a big help to me and made life so much better. I could actually talk to him and he helped me figure stuff out and set my priorities straight. With him gone, I've gone back to bottling it all up... which just makes it worse. Winter semester is a new semester. My classes are harder and work is more demanding. I WILL make it through the semester though. I have to. I know the Lord is there for me and of course that makes things much easier, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have a friend here on earth that I could rely on. At the same time, I hate bothering people! That is probably one of my biggest fears- that I am annoying someone. I hate it. I find myself completely annoying and I only pray and hope that others don't find me near as annoying as I find myself. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be able to do something right for once. I try so hard to be the best person I possibly can... but I feel like I am continually falling short of who I can become. Life is an occasion and I want to rise to it... but I always feel like I fail. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself, but maybe I need to be harder. Maybe if I am harder on myself I will push myself further. Who knows?

The Perfect World

I go back to Texas in two days. I really want to go back and see everyone there, but at the same time I want to stay with James and Cami and Jt! Then once I get home, I only have two weeks before I go back to BYU. Of course I am stoked about going back to school, but I also want to stay with my family in Texas!!! So wouldn't it be perfect if all of my different worlds-cami, texas, and byu- all came together??? No, it actually wouldn't. It may be hard to leave at the time, but once you leave it makes you appreciate it a lot more and you grow and learn everytime you change places. So I really am in the perfect world right now! I have so many different places that I absolutely love and I get to go place to place and grow and learn all the time!

North Carolinaaaaaaa

Dang. This has been quite an adventure. At first I was terrified being in a new place, being completely responsible for the life of a precious baby boy, and being the only one going to church. I have to admit, at first it was all a little overwhelming, but now... it was the biggest growing experience of my life. I have learned so much about myself and others. I relied on my own testimony, no one elses. No one would have even noticed if I hadn't gone to church, but I went every week. It made me realize that I really don't go to socialize or because im supposed to. No one even noticed me for a few weeks. I went because I wanted to. Cami taught me to be more confident in myself and she taught me a lot of girly skills like sewing and cooking. Even though I am not really a girly girl, i really enjoy both. The best part was James. That baby love unconditionally...if only we could all love like that. Love how the Lord loves us. Maybe when it says to become as a little child, it means to love as a little child. It is a wonderful feeling to be loved. He is such a sweet little boy, though at times he is a monster. It taught me a lot about raising a kid and I have learned a lot of new tips and tricks to being a mommy. I feel a lot closer to Cami and I absolutely love that. She is an awsome sister and I love her soo much.

Oops...

So....I kinda forgot about the whole blog thing. I doubt anyone even checks it anymore lol. Basically things have been insane lately!!! I pretty much have a million and one things to do and no time to do them in. I really want to go home and all.... but at the same time I don't want to! I am really going to miss all of my friends up here, especially the guys cuz they are all leaving for missions...which is AWESOME! I am super stoked for all of them and their calls and all, but im still gonna miss them. Umm... whats new? I guess my friends and I have kinda gotten into BYU baseball lately. We go to all the home games and such cuz we know 3 of the guys on the team. It's really fun. yah.. im pretty sure thats it.