For me!

So I don't think anyone ever even checks my blog anymore since I never update it...oops!So this is just for me now I suppose! And I can't sleep and have nothing better to do right now! Lately, I have found it extremely hard to fall asleep. My mind just races at night with everything I need to do, everything I have done, and everything I have screwed up. I lay here for about 2 hours and decide it's useless to continue to just lay here and do nothing, so I get up and try to be productive. During the semester, I will usually find something to study, but I don't have anything to study right now! So I guess I will use this blog as just a way to redirect the thoughts in my head and maybe...just maybe, I'll be able to eventually fall asleep. I have got to get a good night's rest tonight because Dad, Adam, and I are driving back up to Utah Friday morning at about 3 am. I am excited to go back to school, but I am a little worried about what will go wrong with me this semester. Every single semester so far I have gotten sick in some way. The first semester I had to get my gall bladder out, the second semester I was in the hospital for throwing up, last semester I had a really bad cough and went to the hospital then at the end of the semester I hurt my knee. Each thing was caused by too much stress. Yes, even the knee. That happened when I was running...trying to run off the stress. I don't know why I stress so much. It's not like I am taking huge loads of classes. I guess I am just a perfectionist and it is impossible for me to be perfect so I go crazy! The most recent semester was probably my roughest so far. I didn't have an organ removed or anything, but emotionally it was tough. I had problems with friends, issues going on at home, and I was trying to figure myself out all the while trying to make sure every single person I know was being taken care of. It was also hard because I don't really have Rob anymore. He was a big help to me and made life so much better. I could actually talk to him and he helped me figure stuff out and set my priorities straight. With him gone, I've gone back to bottling it all up... which just makes it worse. Winter semester is a new semester. My classes are harder and work is more demanding. I WILL make it through the semester though. I have to. I know the Lord is there for me and of course that makes things much easier, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have a friend here on earth that I could rely on. At the same time, I hate bothering people! That is probably one of my biggest fears- that I am annoying someone. I hate it. I find myself completely annoying and I only pray and hope that others don't find me near as annoying as I find myself. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be able to do something right for once. I try so hard to be the best person I possibly can... but I feel like I am continually falling short of who I can become. Life is an occasion and I want to rise to it... but I always feel like I fail. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself, but maybe I need to be harder. Maybe if I am harder on myself I will push myself further. Who knows?