Lydia Week 6-about halfway done with NICU stay!

Weight: 4 lbs 9 oz

Breathing: Lydia was moved back up to 4.0 liters per minute on the high flow because of the cold. She is back down to 2.0 liters per minute and stay around 23-24% oxygen. She went down to room air which is 21% for about 2 minutes.

Milestones: Lydia is semi-nutritive breastfeeding now...sometimes and she got a new cousin!

Changes: Lydia is slowly getting over her cold. She was put on liquid protein and iron as well as a different milk formula. All three of these things cause constipation. She didn't poop for 31 hours so they gave her a suppository. After that she went, but now she has gotten 2 more suppositories and still hasn't pooped. She is pretty uncomfortable ,as anyone would be, and is workin' hard to try to get it out.

Thoughts: This week has been especially hard for me. Like Thomas said, "It's like getting a Christmas present and not having batteries for it." It is really hard to have Lydia in the hospital for so long. I know it seems like it is going by fast for a lot of people, but it isn't for me. It's hard. Every hormone in my body is telling me that I should have a baby in my arms, that I should be waking up to a baby's cry to feed her, that I should be a mother. Instead I am fat and have no cute baby in my arms to show for it, I wake up to alarms to pump, and I don't feel like a real mom. I look at pictures of my baby more than I see her in person. She should be surrounded by loving family, but instead she is all alone in an isolation room all day. She has nurses that sometimes call her "naughty" because she isn't breathing well.  Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that she is doing well and that she will eventually get well enough to come home. I am grateful she is alive. I am grateful for the doctors and nurses taking care of her. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I want her home. I want to hold her all day long instead of a nurse telling me I have to put her back in bed. I can't wait for these next 5 weeks to be over. It seems like forever to me.

On a different note, I know Heavenly Father is aware of our situation. He is looking out for us. I am grateful for all the people that have heeded to promptings from him. There have been days when we are worn out and not sure what we are going to eat. We go to the hospital in the morning from 10:30 til about 12:30 and at night from 4:30 til about 9. Going back and forth to the hospital is a lot of gas. I'm also so exhausted from going, pumping, coming home, pumping, going back, pumping, and on and on that we haven't been to the store in a while. There have been a couple of nights when I don't know what we even have to eat and we can't just eat out every night, but almost every one of those nights someone has texted and asked if they could bring us dinner. We are so grateful for that. It means more than I can express.

We will get through this hardship and we will both be better for it. There is peace in knowing that we are not alone in this. I just want my baby.

Lydia Week 5!

Weight: Lydia got up to 4 lbs this week!

Respiratory: Lydia got down to 2.0 liters per minute on the high flow. She is pretty stuffy from the virus though, so they moved her back up to 4.0 liters per minute. Her brady cardias are getting less frequent which is awesome!

Milestones: Lydia had her appointment with the OT this week to help us teach Lydia how to suck. She did a good job and is getting better and better at sucking. She is weaning off the prolacta which is the stuff they add to my milk to giver her extra calories.

Thoughts: Life in the NICU is exhausting. There are times I can't wake up to go see Lydia. It makes me feel really guilty on those days. I can't stand how guilty I feel, but I know I have to take care of myself. I have also never been so paranoid about getting sick in my life. I can't afford to get sick because I HAVE to be with my baby. I have gotten to be really sensitive about other people's posts and comments about children. When they complain about their kids being messy or not sleeping through the night or them not having their own life anymore because their kids are complaining and taking up their time. I would give anything for that. Anything to have my baby healthy and at home. Breathing on her own. Able to eat on her own. I would give anything. Be grateful for your children. Be grateful you can hold them whenever you want. Be grateful they are home with you. Be grateful you have the blessing of seeing them whenever you want. Some days are harder than others. There are times when I feel so guilty about having high blood pressure and making my baby go through this. When I see other people with their babies walking down the road or in the store I feel a pang of jealousy. It makes me angry that I get so jealous about it. I don't feel whole when I am not with Lydia. It is like a piece of me is missing. This isn't how it was supposed to go. She should be with us. She should be at home.

Rhino Virus

We noticed that Lydia was a lot more snotty than she usually was. She was also de-sating a lot lower than usual. We told the doctor this and he decided to do a culture of her secretions. It came back positive for the rhino virus. Basically, it is a cold. Lydia is now in an isolation room. We have to gown, glove, and mask up before we can go in the room. She is doing alright for being sick. It is really hard to see her struggling to breathe and coughing. She is so tiny. I wish she didn't have to go through this. Hopefully she will fight it off quickly and get back to growing. I can still do non-nutritive breastfeeding with her and skin to skin. This morning I held her just bundled up in blankets and she did not do well at all. Her oxygen was really low and we ended up having to put her back. Tonight I did skin to skin with her and she did a lot better. She was pretty restless when we left though. It was so hard to leave. She was so cute and seemed so fidgety. She was crying as we tried to say goodbye. I couldn't leave her. I had to stay until she calmed down. I wish I could just be there all the time and hold her whenever I want. I wish I could take this virus away from her and make her feel all better. My poor baby is so tiny and now on top of that she is sick. :(

Lydia's week 4

Weight: 3 lbs 7 oz (got up to 9 oz but then pooped it all out)

Breathing: down to 2.5 liters per minute on the high flow

Milestones: She wore clothes for the first time and took a bath! Lydia also hit the 3 pound mark which is huge! She is a lot more alert and responds to my voice. She is also doing non-nutritive breastfeeding. She has latched a few times which is amazing for a baby as little as she is.


Thoughts: A baby was born at 23 weeks and 6 days. It lasted one day. Thomas had made friends with the dad of the baby while scrubbing in. When we saw him the next day it was heartbreaking. This baby's room was next to our baby so we heard them taking all the pictures and taking off the ventilator. It was really sad. There have been two babies that have passed away since we have been there. It makes me really grateful that Lydia is doing so well.

NICU thoughts and feelings

Lydia is doing well, but it is still hard to see all the babies around her come and go. It doesn't seem fair. They have come in after her but they are leaving before her. It is hard to see parents walk in with their car seats so they can get the car seat check and get the heck out of dodge. I get really jealous.

It also makes me mad that sometimes the family of healthy babies wait in the NICU waiting room. They are all so happy and have a healthy baby that is big and breathing and just fine. It doesn't seem fair and it makes me sad that my baby has such a long time left here.

I have nightmares every night about Lydia. My nightmares are about getting a call from the hospital that no parent wants. It is terrifying and I am not sleeping as well because of it. I think about her every second of every day. Every time I close my eyes I see her. She is so stinkin' cute and I love her so much. It is hard to not be able to hold her whenever I want. I can't wait until she wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming, until she spits up all over me while I'm feeding her. People always talk about how much work babies are and how hard it is to take care of. I think it's harder to have a baby but not be able to take care of her. I want my baby.

On a different note, this week we noticed a baby on a ventilator. The first time I saw her, I thought to myself, "so glad we aren't still on the ventilator". Four days later, that baby was still on the ventilator. It was late at night and there were about 10 family members surrounding the baby's bed. You are only allowed 2 visitors at the bedside at a time, so this was a big cue something wasn't right. Then the dad was holding the baby and they were taking lots of pictures. You can't hold babies that are on ventilators, so this was another big sign. The next day there was a sign by the door that said we couldn't walk that way, but we still heard the ventilator going. I don't know what was going on with that girl, but I knew it wasn't good. Today when we got to the hospital, the bed space where she was was empty. I held Lydia a little tighter today. We have been so blessed to have our baby doing so well.


Look at her cute dimples!!!

Looking so innocent and peaceful

Week 1-3 for Lydia

WEEK 1

Weight: Lydia was born at 2 lbs 6 oz. They do everything in grams though so she was born at 1080. She got down to 1000. She got back up to 1060.

Milestones: She pooped! Lydia also opened her eyes for the first time.. barely. 

Breathing: Lydia was on the ventilator for 1 hour after she was born and then switched to the CPAP. She was then put on the high flow. She started struggling to breathe so was put back on the ventilator. 

Thoughts: NICU life is hard, but we were very blessed. We knew Lydia would be in the NICU for a long time so it isn't as hard to have her there. It would be a lot harder to have a full term baby and then they were sick or something was wrong so you had to have your baby in the NICU. You have your baby's room all set up at home and you can't take her home. That would be rough. We weren't expecting a baby for another 3 months so we don't have anything for her. 

WEEK 2

 Weight: 1130

Milestones: Off the humidity! Increased feedings. PICC line put in and taken out this week. Lydia now has no IV's- just her nasal canula and her feeding tube. 

Breathing: Lydia is on the high flow now!

Thoughts: Lydia cried when they took her away from her daddy when he was holding her. It was adorable. Her cry is so cute and she makes the cutest noises.

WEEK 3

Weight:1300

Milestones: Weening off the high flow, increased feedings!

Breathing: Lydia is doing well on the high flow nasal canula. They are starting to ween her off of it! She started at 6.0 liters per minute and now she is down to 4.5. 

Thoughts: I feel like I'm not going to see my baby enough. We go to see her twice a day, but it is hard to go much more than that. I am pumping every 3 hours. I have to pump for 20 minutes and then clean everything so its more like every 2 and a half hours. The hospital is 20 minutes away so it is hard to visit very much. I feel bad leaving my baby there all day all by herself when she is having such a hard time. I'm glad she has good nurses taking care of her.

Welcome Lydia!

    It was just a typical day. May 7, 2014 I finished teaching at school and went to my doctor's appointment. When we got there, I got my blood pressure and weight and went to the room to wait. The nurse shook her head when she looked at my blood pressure- 164/103. I had been having a little bit of high blood pressure, but I was on medicine for it and it hadn't been that bad. I knew something had to be wrong when it took the doctor about 20 minutes to come in to the room. It usually only took a few minutes. When she came in she said I had protein in my urine. I was officially pre-eclamptic and I needed to go straight to the hospital. I would most likely deliver in the next 48 hours.
   I was in shock. Thomas was in shock. I was only 29 weeks along. We weren't ready. This wasn't the plan. We were supposed to move to Texas June 2 and have our baby there. We already had a doctor's appointment down there. My thoughts raced and everyone's words became a blur. I was in a fog as I walked out of the doctor's office and got into the car. I held it in as long as I could. We went home and packed up and I was still being strong. Then we got back into the car to head to the hospital. I broke down. I wasn't ready for this. I couldn't have a baby yet! I was terrified she wasn't going to make it. I started preparing myself for the worst. I decided where I was going to bury my baby if the worst happened, I kept telling myself the Lord knew what he was doing.
   As we drove up to the hospital, the hospital sign had a picture of a baby and it said "Level III  NICU: down to 24 weeks gestation." After I saw that sign, I knew everything would be ok. It was no coincidence that right at the moment we passed the sign, that was what was up. I knew that no matter what, Heavenly Father was aware of me, my husband, and my baby. We would be ok.
   We checked in and I was hooked up to an IV, a blood pressure cuff, steroid shot to develop the baby's lungs, and monitors to monitor the baby's heartbeat. That night I only slept for about 45 minutes. I was so worried about my baby. I loved that I could hear her heartbeat the whole night. The next day, we met with a doctor who did an in depth ultra sound of my baby. Everything was good, but she was measuring small. This was most likely because of the high blood pressure. We then had a doctor from the NICU come talk to us. He told us all of the odds of survival, disabilities, etc. I felt much better after that. They switched me to a clear liquid diet in case I had to go for an emergency C-section. I sat in my hospital bed, putting on a brave face, but crumbling inside.
   May 9,2014 I had labs taken. My platelets had dropped and they were going to have to do the C-section that night.  I was told I would have an hour warning before the surgery. The nurse came in and said it was time to go... so much for the warning! I was terrified as I walked to the room where I was going to have my baby. I wasn't ready. I was shaking as I laid there and I was prepped for the C-section. In a blessing Thomas gave me, it said angels would be there to lift me up. I started whispering to the angels I knew would be there for me- Ava, Grandad, Ellie, etc. I felt comforted and the surgery began. 30 minutes later I heard a little whimper as my baby was pulled out of me and whisked to a corner to be worked on by the NICU team. I told the angels around me that Lydia needed them more and to go and comfort her. They have been by her bedside ever since.
   The veil is so thin when you have such a miracle baby. She is precious and doing great. There are times she smiles at nothing at all and I know it is because her friends from the other side are there with her. The plan of salvation is real. Angels are all around us. It is so hard to see my baby hooked up to everything and struggling to breathe and not being able to do anything to help her. I feel like I abandon her every time I leave the NICU, but I can't be there all day. I love my little girl and I am so glad she has so many friends on the other side watching out for her and so many friends on this side of the veil praying for her. My baby is so brave. She is so strong. She is a fighter. She is mine.