Back to the Y!

So I am back up at BYU now. I have been doing so good at updating my blog.. haha. I'm so proud! Asia and I were Y group leaders for NSO so we came up Monday even though our apartment's move in date wasn't until Friday. I really like that we got to come earlier because we were able to get situated more and meet new people. The people in our ward our extremely nice. I was really worried about how things would be this year, but I have calmed down a lot just from meeting the people that live in our apartments. I have already done a ton of fun stuff! NSO has been really fun too. It brings back a lot of memories. I was telling the kids in our group that if they needed anything that we were here for them because both of us have been through a lot and could help them out with anything they might need. I thought about this more last night and was just reminded of how incredible God's plan is. My Bishop last year told me that I have gone through a lot more trials than most people have. I am so incredibly grateful that I have been chosen to go through so much! Even though it is really hard, I feel like I can help people because of what I have been through. I can relate to people and truly understand how they feel. It is so much easier to support people when you have been there before. It's just amazing that God puts people in our life that have been through the same trials we will have to endure. For example, I have had two siblings that are no longer active in church. I always wondered why I had to endure that pain, but now I am so grateful I have. My friend's brother is falling away and I can be here for her because I know exactly what she is going through. Trials are also awesome because they refine us. I wouldn't be the person that I am today if it weren't for the things I have been through. My testimony wouldn't be as strong if I didn't have to endure so much. A lot of times people will say that trials make your faith stronger. I don't believe that. During the times that life is easy, you need to be working on building your faith so that when trials come you can USE that faith that you have been building. Once the faith is used, you gain faith in your own faith. That is how faith strengthens. It's not that you have a trial and BAM you get faith. At least, its never worked that way for me. For some reason I have a feeling that I am about to go through something really hard so I have been working hard to strengthen my personal relationship with Christ. That is probably my biggest goal for this semester. I mean, sure I wanna do good in school and get good grades, but what I really want to do is focus on my spiritual well being. I'm not going to focus on getting good grades. Like I told my Y group, focus on the learning. We have to learn because one day we will be gods and goddesses and we will use the information for our own worlds. We need to learn for the eternal perspective, not just for the grades. If you do this, the grades will come. I'm excited for the semester and hope to make a lot of friends and keep the ones I have made so far. I really want to be myself and come to be comfortable with who I am instead of always being paranoid of what people think of me. I have lots of goals for the semester and hope to accomplish them all!

Wally World!

I'm officially done at Wal-Mart!! I'm not gonna lie.. I kinda miss it. I really like to work. I like good, hard labor. I'm weird, what can I say? The thing that sucks the most though is that I was just starting to make lots of friends and now I have to say bye! I went all summer without hanging out with anyone or really talking to anyone. Then all of a sudden things clicked with Abby and Amalia! Well.. Amalia and I have been friends since the first day I started there. We were friends, but we've gotten a lot closer than we were. Abby and I were friends, but as we worked together more and more we came to realize that we are basically JUST alike. It's quite scary at times. We finish each other's sentences and say the same thing at the same time. But don't give us Icee's.. we get a little crazy on those! We don't need no drugs.. just sugar! Amalia thinks we are weird..haha. The other people that I've worked with are Maria, Stella, Maggie, Lou, Edna, Michelle, Araceli, and Carmen. They have all been super sweet to me. On my last day they even got me a cake and a card and we partied it up in the lounge during my lunch break. Araceli even got me a little wooden hangy thingy-ma-bobber for my wall. I even started branching out and making friends with people from outside of the apparel department! haha. Robert in shoes, Franklin the cart pusher, James in toys, and the latest Xavier in electronics. Though we have talked about Xavier basically all summer, we just started talking TO him instead of just about him. At the beginning of the summer I couldn't wait for it to be over and to get back to school. Now.. things are different. I somewhat want to stay. I'm really nervous about school this semester. I'm still stoked to learn and such but I'm nervous about the whole friends and health thing. I pinky promised my sister that I wouldn't get a boyfriend this semester and I'm sticking to that! We'll see how the semester goes. Just gotta enjoy the journey and focus on living in the moment and not stressing about the future!!!

An update

So... I realized that its been a while since I updated. Steven is no more. We were good friends for a while after he dumped me, but now he refuses to talk to me. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time keeping friends, but I guess it only makes me stronger. This summer I have been working at walmart in the infant department. It has been interesting. The main thing I learned from this experience is that people are really dumb. My last day is Friday and then next week I'll be headin back up to Utah. I'm super excited, but nervous at the same time. I am determined to have a good semester and not get sick for once in my life. I also wanna make life long friends that won't ditch me like most of my other friends. Today I was thinking about how I want to die and I decided that I wanna die by gunshot in an ally way. And I want to die single. From what I have experience, most guys are just liars and jerks. I'm probably just bitter, but single sounds pretty bueno to me currently. If I stay single, I avoid the risk of getting hurt again.

Driving

So it is currently about 2:43am in Provo and I just got back to my apartment not to long ago. I drove about 22 hours worth of the time. It was a super long trip and at times quite challenging. Adam and I both brought our cars up and my dad came with us so the three of us rotated as to who was driving. I was to follow my dad as Adam slept in the car with my dad. In case we were to get separated, my dad gave me a printed out version of the step by step directions on how to get to our destination. As we started out on this journey, I stayed as close behind my dad as possible. I put my blinker on exactly when he did, I changed lanes when he did, I copied his every single move. Later on it was my brother's turn to drive and I was following him. I was trying so hard to keep up with him, but he was speeding and going in and out of lanes. My car doesn't accelerate very fast going uphill and so every time we went up a hill, I got left behind. It frustrated me so much and I just wanted to quit. I couldn't keep up with him and he was getting frustrated that I was so slow. I just felt like crap. From this trip I learned two important lessons. First- my dad did exactly what our Heavenly Father did for us. Christ showed us the way, but we were separated in that we don't have him here right now for us to follow his every move. However, we were left with written instructions that tell us step by step how to get to our destination- our Heavenly home. I should check out that map more often in my life. Second lesson- on how to be an example. When my dad was leading he was patient and understood that my car wasn't that fast and that I was not one to speed so he accomadated my needs as he took the lead. When we are trying to lead someone or be an example to them we need to understand that maybe they don't have all the right tools right now, just like I didn't have the best accelerator. Especially when things get hilly, we need to be patient with others and try and figure out what's best for them. I think I have tried to lead by example the wrong way. I just go about my daily life and expect others to follow me. That's not how I should be doing it. I should go about my daily life, but I should look to others' needs. I need to be more patient and understanding. I can't get frustrated if they don't progress as fast as I want them to. Everyone has a different accelerator. Some people's works better than others. That doesn't mean they are any less worthy. Not at all. We progress at different levels. More often though, I think I get down on myself and want to quit when I see how quickly others are progressing. I feel like a failure when I don't get things as fast as others. I want to learn things fast and be a pro at everything. Who cares how fast we progress? As long as we all get home safely to our Heavenly Father, that is all that really matters. As long as we are putting forth our best effort we are good to go.

Falling

So a couple of days ago I was playing with my nieces and nephews outside. They were riding bikes, scooters, and whatever else we have to ride. Anyway, my niece kept falling down and she would cry and look to someone older to scoop her up and make it all better. This would have been totally fine if she had fallen just once or whatever, but she kept falling and crying. It was so hard to not just run to her and make it all better, but I know that she needs to learn for herself how to get through things and be strong... otherwise she will turn into a brat and a crybaby. As I was watching all this take place, I thought about how it's just like Heavenly Father. He watches us and sometimes we fall and just expect Him to pick us up and make it all better. Sometimes that is exactly what He will do, but sometimes He has to let us just figure it out for ourselves. If He just fixed everything, this would be a world full of brats!!! No, really. There are times when I really need Him to just scoop me up and make it better, but He knows when I need that and when I need to figure it out on my own. A lot of people expect Him to just fix everything and if He doesn't, they stop believing in God or say that God must not love them. I think the exact opposite is true. This life is so that we can learn. It isn't to prove to God that we can make it through anything that is thrown at us. It is for us. He already knows what we are capable of. This life is so that we can prove to ourselves that we can make it through anything and that our faith is strong enough. If I didn't have hard times in my life, I would never have to use my faith. I would never have to push myself to my limits. I would have nothing to be proud of! I'm not saying I am perfect at life. We aren't supposed to be! That is the whole point! We are supposed to fall and make mistakes and have hard times. But we can't expect a truly loving Heavenly Father to just automatically fix everything. We have to learn.