In Sickness and in Health

 

I have really debated writing this post. I don't really like sharing my trials with others but I felt strongly that I should post about what has been going on the past few weeks. I have been sick again and in the hospital twice. Through this trial I have learned a lot. I look at this blog as a family record so I feel that I should include this so we can look back and see all we have learned and I also feel that others can benefit from hearing what I've been through and hopefully learn without having to go through something similar. Through this trial I have learned (so far) humility, how to ask for help, how to stand up for myself, and the importance of listening to your own body

 

 

About two weeks ago I started throwing up again without being able to keep anything down. Thomas asked me how many times I thought I was throwing up and I didn't know so the next day I counted and it was 57. We went to an urgent care that would give IV fluids because I was really dehydrated, but they examined me and sent us to the ER. We went and waited and waited until I was finally seen. I was admitted to this hospital for 3 days. The doctor said I just had to try to keep something down and then I could go home. I tried some bread, threw it up, then got to go home!

 

Only a few days later, I was dehydrated again and the pain in my stomach was unbearable. We went to a different hospital where I was admitted again, this time for about a week. When I was admitted the nurse said they would not let me go until I could keep down solids. Somehow I got released and I still can't keep anything down! I really don't feel good. I feel weak, I'm tired of throwing up, my throat and stomach hurt, and I am extremely thirsty. I am so glad to be home though. I hate the hospital and all the doctors questioning me like I'm on trial.

 

 

I lost 12 pounds in 4 days and by the time I was released from the hospital the second time I had lost 19 pounds. I have lost 2 more pounds since yesterday. In the hospital, I was treated for low potassium, dehydration, and low blood sugar.

 

Anyway, now that you have a little bit of the background, here are the lessons I have learned:

 

1)Humility- It is impossible to not learn humility when you are forced to throw up into a blue emesis bag in front of a nurse so they can record how much you are throwing up and what it looks like. I pride myself in being strong emotionally and not crying, but I was in so much pain that the nurse came in to find me shaking and crying on more than one occasion. I learned that I am not perfect and can't expect myself to always be on top of my game.

 

2)Asking for help- I hate asking for help. Let me repeat that. I HATE asking for help. But alas, we had no choice. We couldn't take Lydia to the ER with us and risk her getting some crazy illness from people in the waiting room and while I was stuck in the hospital, we had to rely on people to watch Lydia for us so that Thomas could go to class. I felt terrible that people were having to watch her, but I am so grateful for our friends that sacrificed and watched our little one. It was nice to not worry about her safety and know that she was being well taken care of. I learned that even though it is hard to ask for help, there are people there for me that will gladly offer their services when I am in need.

 

3) How to stand up for myself- In the past when I have been sick, Thomas has always been there. This time I was alone in the hospital for the majority of the time since he was either watching Lydia, in class, or studying. I am used to him standing up for me when the doctors or nurses say something that offends me or him hitting the call button or going to get a nurse when I need something. This time I had to stand up for myself and hit the call button when I needed something (and I HATE asking for help, even from a nurse). I had to correct the doctors when they would say something off hand that hurt my feelings. I had to tell the doctors and nurses how I was really feeling instead of saying I was ok. I learned that I can be strong even when I feel weak. I can tell people how I really feel and I can stand up for myself.

 

4)Listen to your body- The ER doctor was not very sympathetic at the second hospital. When I told him I had lost 12 pounds in 4 days he said, "oh that's just water weight. It's not a big deal." When I said that I hadn't been able to keep anything down for over a week he said, " I have cancer patients in here all the time that go months without being able to eat. You'll be ok." Yes, I know I do not have it as bad as I could. Yes, I know that I won't die without help. But I knew I needed to be admitted again and at least get IV fluids to rehydrate myself. I ended up worsening over the next few days and the doctors were going to put a feeding tube in. They actually did end up putting one in, but didn't get it in the right place so they took it out and said they would put it back in the next day. The next day I was released though (still a little confused about that, but SO glad to be home I don't really care). I am very grateful I listened to my body and told the ER doctor I needed to be admitted. I learned that I know my body better than anyone else does. I have a TON of respect for doctors (even more so now that I see how hard Thomas is studying), but I also know that they don't know my body as well as I do.

 

 

I am really grateful for all the friends that stepped in and helped with Lydia. I am grateful for both my mother-in-law and mom coming in to take care of Lydia. I am grateful for nurses and doctors that worked to try to help me. I am grateful for Thomas for taking care of me. I am grateful that I have been able to learn these lessons. Most of all, I am SOOOO grateful to be home and to be able to play with Lydia again. 

 

 

 

This is Lydia playing with me during the first hospital stay. She was a little afraid of me at first, but warmed up when she got to play with the hospital socks. 

Ponderings

I have been thinking a lot lately. I have had really bad insomnia for a few weeks,so I am left to lay away and allow my brain to run rampant. I really feel that I need to share these thoughts. I don't know why because they are not particularly profound or inspiring, but I will do so anyway!

One night as I lay awake, it really hit my that my nephew is 12 years old. He now has the priesthood. What a huge responsibility for a 12 year old! I thought back to the day he was born. I remember it so well. I was only 13 at the time, and could not imagine loving someone more than I loved this little boy. I was obsessed. I continued to be obsessed with my nephews and nieces. I was so good at playing with them on their level because I really wasn't that much older than them. I remember trying to come up with fun things to do before they came over so that I would be prepared. I am still obsessed with my nieces and nephews and pray for their happiness and success every night. As I was thinking about this, I realized how much I love my daughter. Words cannot do justice to the feelings I have towards her. She is such an angel. I am obssessed with her, but am I really doing enough for her? I don't prepare for the next day and think about what fun things I could do with her like I did my nieces and nephews. I don't play with her on her level as much as I did with my nieces and nephews. This is my daughter! I need to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and just play and have fun. It takes sooo much energy, but I already feel like I am missing out on valuable teaching moments.

I get really ambitious at night. I don't know what it is about that time of day, but I always think of really cool things I want to learn or do, but when I wake up the next morning, reality hits. Some of the things I have been ambitious about are pretty funny. One night, while listening to classical music, I decided I should learn to play the violin. Another night I decided I wanted to join a community choir because I really miss being in choir. I have also considered inviting a bunch of kids over for a circle time where we can sing songs and read books together. My mother-in-law once told me I should write a book about my experience as a teacher of students with special needs,particularly behavior disorders. One night I thought, "why not!?" and started writing down what chapters I could do and which experiences I would want to include. Crazy, right? I really don't know why I get so ambitious at night. It makes me feel so lame the next morning when I realize I will probably never do the things my brain thought it could do the night before. I often wonder if I was more daring and outgoing if I would actually do some of these things.

Throughout my school years, I was exteremely shy. I didn't talk at school and when I did, my heart pounded, my whole body sweat (gross, I know), and it didn't feel like I was the one speaking. It felt like an out of body experience each time my lips parted. It was terrifying. I avoided social situations at all costs. I am still trying to overcome this extreme shyness. This week I wrote a text to someone 4 times inviting them and their kid to come over and play and then deleted it each time before sending it. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know it's something I really need to work on for Lydia's sake. I don't want her growing up with a fraidy cat mom with no friends. It's hard though. Every word that comes out of my mouth just sounds stupid. Then after I talk to anyone(Thomas excluded), I replay everything I said in my head and what I should have said different and how I shouldn't have talked so much, etc. Then I am nervous to see that person and at times go as far as to avoid them. It's a nightmare. We all have our weaknesses though!

Thomas is gone a lot. He studies A LOT. It is really paying off and I am so proud of him. One day that was particularly rough, I thought to myself "being a single mom stinks!" Immediately after I had to stop myself and got a little angry with myself for ever comparing myself to a single parent. I am not even close. I am not solely responsible for the well-being of my family. I do not have to pay all the bills, work all day, and then still come home to my kids. I don't have to put my kids sleep and then go to an empty bed. I still have my husband. I have my biggest support. He is always there. I have him by my side every night. I have someone I can share my frustrations with. I have someone I can bounce ideas off of and someone who understands me. I have a husband who takes time to listen to all of my concerns and offer advice and comfort. I am not a single parent. It may be difficult to be alone during the day at times, but it could be much harder. I am so grateful for my husband!

Lydia update--the part you really care about

Lydia is amazing. She is walking all over the place. She says over 30 words now! I had to wake her up this morning from a nap so we could get in the car and go to church and when I got her up she kept saying "oh no! oh no! oh no!" She was not very happy about having to get up. She loves playing with other kids and is very friendly. We went to a scenic view where you could walk down a path. We took lunch up there and sat on a bench to eat. While we were sitting there, Lydia was walking around, waving to everyone, and saying "hi!". If anyone said hi back to her, she would start to follow behind them. It is a little concerning that she will just go with anyone, but it was pretty cute.

She laughs at basically everything and loves reading books. Lydia is hilarious and cracks us up. Liddy is also the sweetest little girl. There was one day when everything just hit me all at once and I started crying. She stopped playing with her toys and came over, climbed up onto my lap, and gave me a big kiss then just sat there. It was precious. She does the most ridiculous things and has such a personality. I was telling Thomas the other day that when I think back to when she was born, she has grown so much physically and she is hitting so many more milestones that it seems like she is a different person, but her huge personality is the same as it has always been from day 1. She has always been a happy, feisty little girl. We have been so blessed by her presence in our family.

She loves her block box!

When daddy forgets to say bye...

Thomas did all these with his feet. The rest of the day, she was trying to do it with her feet too.

Liddy's first ponytail!

I think she has seen me do this once. She just got in the shower, grapped the squeegee(sp?) and started using it how it is supposed to be used. WHAT?!?

Lookin' fly

Believe it or not, this is peek-a-boo. She used to cover her ears. We have moved her hands in, so now we just got to get them up a little.

I was trying to make a zoo, but Lydia kept knocking it down! :(

This is the scenic route we took to Flagstaff to go to the fair. This is in Sedona.

Lydia loved the cows and wanted to touch them.

It rained and got cold in Flagstaff. I didn't know it was possible to be cold in Arizona. Luckily, we brought her jacket that she will probably only wear this one time!

Wiped out from the fair

Her hair is growing!

Almost every time I leave Thomas to dress Lydia, he puts her in these overalls. My little hick.

Adjusted 1st birthday and med school life

I haven't updated for a while. This should give you a clue to how crazy having a husband in med school is. I say that, but mostly it's because I have to wait for Lydia to go to sleep to use the computer or she throws a fit because she wants to touch all the buttons. She hates being told "no", but it is her favorite word to tell me. I thought we would have a while before that started, but alas, I was wrong. She also shakes her finger when she tells us "no!". She is quite the little sassy pants.

I can't believe Lydia has been home from the NICU for a whole year! Cami and her kids came to visit for a few days and it was perfect timing because they got to be here for Lydia's first adjusted birthday! James and Lanie were SO good with Lydia and they played really well together. They liked reading to her and trying to get her to walk to them. The kids wanted to hike a mountain while they were here so I found one that said there were paved sidewalks so I could take Lydia in the stroller. We got there and the trail TO the trail was paved, but the trail up the mountain itself was really rocky. I pushed Lydia in the stroller about halfway up and then abandoned the stroller behind a cactus and carried her the rest of the way. Don't worry, we picked the stroller up on the way back down. I wasn't really concerned about anyone stealing it since no one was crazy enough to be climbing a mountain in the summer in Arizona except us.

 Amazing what a difference a year can make!

 She climbed in there herself

New toy from Aunt Cami!

Lydia is growing up so fast! She has 4 teeth now. She did not get them in the order most babies do. She got her top left one, then her bottom right, then top right, then bottom left. Silly girl. She is walking all over the place and 2 days after she started really walking well, she started kicking balls. She says "kick" before she kicks it and she will pick up the ball, throw it and then chase it to kick it. Future soccer star perhaps?

Lydia is a genius. I already knew this, but she proves me right every day. We went to the park the other night (because you can only go after dark or you will die of heat) and I let her swing. She moved her body backwards and forwards and was kicking her legs in and out to swing herself. What?!?! Crazy. She loves the slides at the park. Thomas is nervous to let her go down by herself, but she does when it's just me. She is more interested in the rocks, sticks, and sand at the park than the playground equipment itself. She loves picking up rocks and then throwing them back.

We have a climber on our hands. She can now climb up on top of her toy box and on to our bed. She knows she isn't supposed to so while she is climbing up on her toy box, she shakes her head "no"...and then does it anyway.

We went to the aquarium with some friends. It was really fun and we saw some awesome sea creatures!

Love this sight!

Lydia loves singing songs. If you sing wheels on the bus, she will roll her arms for the wheels and does the "shh" for the mommy. She sings "round" and "all" but lets you do the rest. She also does the signs for eensy weensy spider. Her favorite song is if all the raindrops. She sticks her tongue out and opens her mouth and sings "ah ah ah" when it comes to that part. She always surprises me with how much she knows.

Our little baby has had a cold for the last week. We got her a humidifier for her room and that has helped. She has woken me up every night because her breathing is weird sometimes. It sounds like she is squeaking or something. It is scary, but she seems to be just fine. Her cold seems to be better today but we are definitely keeping an eye on it so it doesn't turn into something worse.

She is not a big fan of having her nose sucked out.

I finally hung up pictures in the living room. They are mostly pictures of Lydia. Lydia noticed immediately and now every time she walks into the room she points at them and says "baby!". She also does it randomly. She will be playing with her baby piano and then turn around and point "baby!". Thomas made a joke that we should keep a tally of how many times she says it in one day. Today she has said it 64 times and it is only 6:45pm.

She loves carrying around her baby

The medical school schedule really isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It is definitely no walk in the park, but it isn't terrible. Thomas leaves every morning at 6am and then comes home for lunch for about half an hour at noon. He then comes home for dinner from 5-7 and goes back to the school to study until 10. The first week I had lunch and dinner ready and on the table every time he got home. Three weeks in and that's over with. I usually have dinner ready, but definitely not lunch. I have been trying out lots of new recipes which has been pretty fun. I have to keep myself occupied so I don't miss Thomas too much. I try to do something out of the house every day to break up the monotony even if it is just going for a walk. Lydia has done pretty well with the schedule but misses her daddy. Every time she sees him, she says "bye bye da da" because she knows it won't be long before it's time to say bye bye again. She has gotten really good at saying bye bye though! When Thomas comes home for lunch, Lydia usually only lasts a few minutes in her high chair and then says "up!" so Thomas gets her out and puts her down. Then she walks over to him and says "up!" because she wants him to hold her. It is pretty cute, but sometimes annoying. Stay in your chair you crazy girl!!!

First day of med school!

 

This is Lydia's favorite hangout-- our shower

One day I was bored so I separated all the raisins from the trail mix. It was a good use of my time if I do say so myself! Who likes raisins contaminating their trail mix?

She wanted to be like daddy!

She looks like she is praying or begging, but she is dancing. She loves to dance!

Cami brought yoga for us to do so James and I were doing it and Lydia joined in!

This girl HAS to have her own spoon and bowl. If her food is on her tray, she will pick it up, put it in her bowl, then eat it. She also insists on using a spoon. She is so silly!

Thomas and I collect rubber ducks. We put a bunch of them in the tub with Lydia. She loved it! We have them all in our guest bathroom/Lydia's bathroom and everytime we go in there she says "quack quack!"

Thomas is rocking medical school. He studies hard and has done well on his tests. I am really proud of him. He has a good group of friends he studies with occasionally but usually it is easier for him to just study alone. The overload of information is overwhelming for him, but he is a rock star and is doing a great job balancing studying and family time. We love him and we are so proud of him!