I have OCD, PTSD, Major Depressive, perfectionism, and anxiety. It is a daily battle. It affects me every single day as I fight the thoughts of self harm, suicide, and making everything perfect. Because it affects me, I know it in turn affects Thomas and the kids. And that kills me. I wish they didn't have to live with this too. I constantly feel like they deserve better. I love them and I do the best I can. But it never feels like enough.
Social media is sometimes hard for me. I have so many friends posting about how much weight they have lost or how they are working out everyday. I am proud of them, but it makes me feel so ashamed of my weight. I have gained 50 lbs in the last year because of all the medications I am on for mental illness. While I realize that if I stopped taking them I'd be in the hospital again, it is hard to feel like such a fat slob and it really eats at my self esteem. I try to go for walks and exercise, but I have had no energy lately. Sometimes all I can do is lay on the playroom floor while the kids play and climb all over me. So I am here to say that I don't have the picture perfect body. I could make excuses all day, but I just have to accept it and be grateful that I have a body. And I am. I am grateful for all the things my body can do and I am grateful for this mortal experience.
My counselor gave me this bracelet so that I can remember to not compare myself to others. I am me. I am a daughter of God and He loves me in my imperfect state.
There are days my kids are in pajamas until 4pm. Ever have one of those days?
Church has been rough this month. Thomas has been doing his ER rotation and he was working nights at first. The hours are long and the rotation is about an hour and half away so we haven't gotten to see him much. He has had to work every single Sunday this month which means I'm on my own with the kids at church. All through sacrament meeting I worry about what others are thinking about how I can't control my kids and how crazy and loud they are. I do the best I can, but they are kids and they are crazy. Luckily, Evan started nursery and is doing great in there. I don't know if I could make it through church if he wasn't in nursery.
I know they look so cute and innocent in this picture. But I am sweatin up a storm after sacrament meeting trying to keep them contained and quiet.
A lot of people have mentioned to me what a fun mom I am and how we are always going and doing fun things. Here's the secret-it's for selfish reasons. I have to get out of the house. If I stay in the house too long and don't stay busy, the suicidal thoughts get stronger. We are usually out of the house at least once a day doing something. But, there are days I can't go anywhere though because I don't trust myself to drive when the suicidal thoughts are so strong. But we stay busy with art projects and such to keep my mind off of things. So while it may look like I've got things under control and I'm always out and about, in reality I'm just struggling and pushing through the day.
Library day!
A picnic in Lydia's princess tent
My little climber
Chuck E. Cheese
My house is not clean. There is always junk on the floor. Especially under Evan's chair at the kitchen table. We turn on music and clean, but it's never spotless. We always have dishes in the sink or hampers of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I wish I had the energy. I wish I could be the ideal housewife- spotless house, dinner on the table when Thomas gets home, the kids busy with fun projects. They spend way too much time watching TV or on the iPad. I'm doing the best I can. The kids are alive. They are happy...most of the time.
Our playroom that looks like a tornado came through.
This is where Evan decided he could get the nacho cheese all by himself. I should have cleaned it up yesterday but it's still there today. Gross. I know.
It's not all doom and gloom. We have fun! I love teaching my kids and playing with them. I love my family. I am so blessed to have the most incredible husband in the world. He is so supportive of me and is my best friend. We stay up late every night talking and laughing. Marriage is not and never has been a struggle for me. It is a blessing. It is so easy to be married to Thomas. Life is so much easier with him around. We always get along and talk about everything. He's my favorite.
So you are probably wondering why in the world I would post this for the world to see. This sounds more like a journal post. I agree. But I also think it important for people to see the messy side of life. To be genuine. To not be ashamed when your house isn't clean, the kids aren't behaving, or when you are struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I guess what I am saying is you are not alone. We all have hard times. So don't compare yourself to others. You are you and you are loved.
