Weight: around 5 lbs 14 oz
Breathing: 1/2 liter per minute and stayed at 21% for 4 days. Lydia goes up to 1 liter per minute and 30% for feeds
Milestones: Mommy made it 5 days all alone! Lydia moved to cue based feeding which means she is able to take all feeds by mouth if she wakes up on her own and shows she is ready and wants it. She takes as much as she wants, then the rest goes through her feeding tube. She is getting better at eating.
Thoughts: Remember a few weeks ago when I said I thought Lydia would take 4 more weeks even though everyone was telling me otherwise? I was right. I hate that I was right, but I was. Lydia's due date is next Friday. That is when they originally thought she would be out. Now they are telling us it will be 2-3 more weeks. I kind of wish they would tell me one more week then next week tell me one more week. It is easier to take it one week at a time. 2-3 more weeks seems impossible. I know we will make it because we have to, but it just really stinks.
When the nurse practitioner told me it would be 2-3 more weeks, I had to leave the hospital. Thomas was still out of town and I couldn't handle the news. We have done our time. I just want my baby at home with me and Thomas. I was getting excited to head to Texas but now it seems like everything is falling apart. I want to believe things will work out, but its getting harder to believe that.
Lydia is getting cuter and cuter every day. We are very blessed to have her in our lives. When I tell some people that I want her home right now they tell me that I need to wait until she is healthy because she needs to be healthy before she comes home. I'm not a terrible mother, I know she needs to be healthy before she comes home. I don't want her home right now as an unhealthy child. I want her healthy and home right now. I still don't even feel like I can call myself her mom. I still look at pictures and videos of her more than I actually see her and hold her. It's kind of pathetic. I barely get to do anything for her. I can change her foot probe, change her diaper, and take her temperature. I guess I feed her too, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not a real mom yet.
I'm getting more jealous/angry when I see others with their babies. I know being a new mom is hard for everyone, but I would much rather have a break down with a baby in my arms than have these breakdowns with empty arms, an empty crib, and an empty car seat. It just doesn't seem fair. Am I not a good enough person to be able to have my child yet? Did I do something wrong? Why am I not allowed to have my baby and all these other people can have theirs?
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
Miss Lydia is 9 weeks old!
Weight: 5 lbs 11 oz
Breathing: still on the nasal cannula at .5 a liter. We go up to 1 liter per minute with feeds. She is usually anywhere from 23%-30% oxygen.
Milestones: Liddy went 4 hours with no oxygen, she took 2 feedings completely by mouth, had her 2 month birthday!
Thoughts: Lydia is doing pretty well. She is stable which is what is important. The doctors are hopeful that she will get out by her due date which is in two weeks, but I'm not. I think we will be there about 4 more weeks. It seems like Lydia is going backwards. She was getting around 30 mls from me, but now she only gets around 8. Her breathing was better and she was down at 22-24% most of the time, but now she requires more. It is getting frustrating and I'm getting discouraged.
We had family home evening at the hospital with Lydia on Monday. It was really nice. Her little room feels so sacred. I have said so many prayers there and I know she is being watched over by angels at her bedside. I am so blessed in so many ways. I am so glad Thomas and I are both not going to school or working. We can spend all our time going to see our baby girl.
We started packing up some of our stuff this week. Some amazing people in the ward threw me a baby shower and my awesome siblings chipped in to get me a carseat. All of these things made it seem so much more real that some day I WILL have my baby at home. It is a little sad seeing our empty carseat every day, but I am glad we have it.
Heavenly Father is aware of me and my feelings, even if they are ridiculous. Sunday morning was a rough morning for me. I was really missing Lydia, none of my skirts would fit, and I just knew it was going to be a bad day. We went to church and there was a baby blessing... I go so jealous and depressed all at the same time. I didn't think I would make it through all of Sacrament meeting, but I did. Then when we went to the hospital, Lydia was off oxygen! It was just the boost I needed that day. It wasn't expected at all and it didn't last long, but I needed to see some sort of progress from her. It is hard because at first the weeks went by pretty fast and she was hitting huge milestones every week. Now the weeks drag on and it is harder to see any progress. She is just kind of plateauing. I feel like we are on the Lord's timing- when one day is equivalent to years.
I know I'm an emotional wreck a lot, but I just really love Lydia and I want her home with us.
Breathing: still on the nasal cannula at .5 a liter. We go up to 1 liter per minute with feeds. She is usually anywhere from 23%-30% oxygen.
Milestones: Liddy went 4 hours with no oxygen, she took 2 feedings completely by mouth, had her 2 month birthday!
Thoughts: Lydia is doing pretty well. She is stable which is what is important. The doctors are hopeful that she will get out by her due date which is in two weeks, but I'm not. I think we will be there about 4 more weeks. It seems like Lydia is going backwards. She was getting around 30 mls from me, but now she only gets around 8. Her breathing was better and she was down at 22-24% most of the time, but now she requires more. It is getting frustrating and I'm getting discouraged.
We had family home evening at the hospital with Lydia on Monday. It was really nice. Her little room feels so sacred. I have said so many prayers there and I know she is being watched over by angels at her bedside. I am so blessed in so many ways. I am so glad Thomas and I are both not going to school or working. We can spend all our time going to see our baby girl.
We started packing up some of our stuff this week. Some amazing people in the ward threw me a baby shower and my awesome siblings chipped in to get me a carseat. All of these things made it seem so much more real that some day I WILL have my baby at home. It is a little sad seeing our empty carseat every day, but I am glad we have it.
Heavenly Father is aware of me and my feelings, even if they are ridiculous. Sunday morning was a rough morning for me. I was really missing Lydia, none of my skirts would fit, and I just knew it was going to be a bad day. We went to church and there was a baby blessing... I go so jealous and depressed all at the same time. I didn't think I would make it through all of Sacrament meeting, but I did. Then when we went to the hospital, Lydia was off oxygen! It was just the boost I needed that day. It wasn't expected at all and it didn't last long, but I needed to see some sort of progress from her. It is hard because at first the weeks went by pretty fast and she was hitting huge milestones every week. Now the weeks drag on and it is harder to see any progress. She is just kind of plateauing. I feel like we are on the Lord's timing- when one day is equivalent to years.
I know I'm an emotional wreck a lot, but I just really love Lydia and I want her home with us.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Lydia 8 weeks
Weight: 5lbs 3oz
Breathing: at 1/2 liter per minute at 25-30% oxygen
Milestones: We participated in Lydia's bath for the first time! (the nurses have always done it without us before), Thomas got to feed her a bottle!, Lydia got 34 mls from me which is 77% of her feeding, Lydia is more awake and alert when feeding time comes
Thoughts: The alarm that goes off when a brady happens is my least favorite sound. The other night, it went off 8 times. Only one was a real brady and the rest were just the probe not picking up her heart rate, but it still stressed me out. Every time I hear the sound my heart aches. Lydia has to go 7 days with no bradies before she can come home. Every time that alarm goes off, it means at least another 7 days.
I love the nurses at the hospital, but some times... Lydia had a brady and was bringing her oxygen sats back up. I was holding her and the nurse said she needed to take her to help calm her down. Are you for real? I can rub my baby's back just as well as anyone. I am the mom. I am supposed to be able to calm and comfort my child. It is my duty to my baby girl. When she took Lydia from me it was like she ripped a piece of me away. I understand if Lydia was blue or not breathing, but she looked fine. Her oxygen was a little low, but its nothing we haven't seen before. It is hard to get new nurses that don't know that we know what we are doing. I can't say I am better than them at their job, but I am Lydia's mom. I can take care of her pretty well.
I can't believe it's been 8 weeks. It has been a looong 8 weeks, but I am so proud of Lydia. She has done amazingly well and is progressing so much! I was looking at pictures from her first weeks and it is incredible how much she has changed. She is doing so well all things considering. It is sometimes disheartening to see her struggling with certain things, but I just have to remember how far she has come. She is amazing and such a fighter. We are so blessed to have her.
We had family home evening earlier this week. It was awesome, but something was missing- our daughter. Is it really family home evening if you don't have your whole family? I think we will have part of our FHE at the hospital from now on.
Trials are part of life. I have been through many. It is amazing how you learn something new from each and every one. I am grateful for the trials I have been through. They have made me who I am. They have strengthened my testimony and made me a strong person. They have made me empathetic to others and made it to where I can help others as they suffer through their own trials.
I am so grateful for the Gospel. I love the temple and the peace and comfort that comes from attending it. I am grateful that we are not alone as we pass through this life. I would never be able to make it through this without my amazing husband and my Heavenly Father. The NICU is a sad place. Most parents there look so sad. Since day 1, Thomas and I are usually smiling and happy when visiting the NICU because we know how blessed we are. We have an incredibly cute daughter that we love more than words can express. We know she will be with us for eternity and THAT is amazing. I am so glad that I NEVER have to worry about never seeing my daughter again. The plan of salvation is such a blessing.
This post has kind of been all over the place. Most likely because my mind is all over the place. I could blame it on lack of sleep or stress, but it's just the way I am! I am so grateful for my family. Thomas has referred to the three of us as BFFs- Best family forever!!!
Breathing: at 1/2 liter per minute at 25-30% oxygen
Milestones: We participated in Lydia's bath for the first time! (the nurses have always done it without us before), Thomas got to feed her a bottle!, Lydia got 34 mls from me which is 77% of her feeding, Lydia is more awake and alert when feeding time comes
Thoughts: The alarm that goes off when a brady happens is my least favorite sound. The other night, it went off 8 times. Only one was a real brady and the rest were just the probe not picking up her heart rate, but it still stressed me out. Every time I hear the sound my heart aches. Lydia has to go 7 days with no bradies before she can come home. Every time that alarm goes off, it means at least another 7 days.
I love the nurses at the hospital, but some times... Lydia had a brady and was bringing her oxygen sats back up. I was holding her and the nurse said she needed to take her to help calm her down. Are you for real? I can rub my baby's back just as well as anyone. I am the mom. I am supposed to be able to calm and comfort my child. It is my duty to my baby girl. When she took Lydia from me it was like she ripped a piece of me away. I understand if Lydia was blue or not breathing, but she looked fine. Her oxygen was a little low, but its nothing we haven't seen before. It is hard to get new nurses that don't know that we know what we are doing. I can't say I am better than them at their job, but I am Lydia's mom. I can take care of her pretty well.
I can't believe it's been 8 weeks. It has been a looong 8 weeks, but I am so proud of Lydia. She has done amazingly well and is progressing so much! I was looking at pictures from her first weeks and it is incredible how much she has changed. She is doing so well all things considering. It is sometimes disheartening to see her struggling with certain things, but I just have to remember how far she has come. She is amazing and such a fighter. We are so blessed to have her.
We had family home evening earlier this week. It was awesome, but something was missing- our daughter. Is it really family home evening if you don't have your whole family? I think we will have part of our FHE at the hospital from now on.
Trials are part of life. I have been through many. It is amazing how you learn something new from each and every one. I am grateful for the trials I have been through. They have made me who I am. They have strengthened my testimony and made me a strong person. They have made me empathetic to others and made it to where I can help others as they suffer through their own trials.
I am so grateful for the Gospel. I love the temple and the peace and comfort that comes from attending it. I am grateful that we are not alone as we pass through this life. I would never be able to make it through this without my amazing husband and my Heavenly Father. The NICU is a sad place. Most parents there look so sad. Since day 1, Thomas and I are usually smiling and happy when visiting the NICU because we know how blessed we are. We have an incredibly cute daughter that we love more than words can express. We know she will be with us for eternity and THAT is amazing. I am so glad that I NEVER have to worry about never seeing my daughter again. The plan of salvation is such a blessing.
This post has kind of been all over the place. Most likely because my mind is all over the place. I could blame it on lack of sleep or stress, but it's just the way I am! I am so grateful for my family. Thomas has referred to the three of us as BFFs- Best family forever!!!
Grandmother gave us these booties. They are hanging in our car so we take Lydia with us everywhere we go.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Week 7 for our baby girl
Weight: 4 lbs 15 oz
Milestones: It was a BIG week for Lydia. She started nutritive breastfeeding, moved to an open crib, was put on a normal nasal cannula, got rid of the Rhino virus, stopped venting her feeds, is getting feeds over a shorter period of time, and got off the caffeine
Breathing: Lydia got off the high flow nasal cannula and moved to a normal one. It is really nice because we don't have to clip the huge tube to us anymore when we hold her. She is on 1/2 liter per minute and stays at around 25-30% oxygen. We want her down to 21.
Thoughts: The doctors and nurses all warned me that feeding would be the most frustrating thing. I didn't believe them til now. We weight Lydia before and after she eats to see how many mls she gets. It is really frustrating sometimes because I swear that scale is off. Saturday was a rough day for me because Lydia was off the caffeine so she was having more bradies. She was also constipated so she was crying the whole time. Thomas and his dad were hiking Timp so I was alone trying to feed her. She had 3 bradies in a row the first time I fed her. The second time she had one. She got 0 mls both times. I was so frustrated and didn't want to try to feed her ever again. The nurse that day also gave me the vibe that he didn't want me there. He basically told me to leave. He did all of her cares and didn't let me help.
There was a huge surge in babies at the NICU so we are getting nurses we haven't had before. It is slightly frustrating because they don't know us and don't know that we can do everything and like to do everything. We have been there long enough we have it down. I know they are just doing their job though. Saturday made me really appreciate Thomas. He is such an amazing husband and is right there for support. He is an amazing Daddy and his little girl is so lucky to have him.
I cried pretty much all day Saturday and prayed harder than I ever have. I was really stressed out and started throwing up because I was so upset. I took Sunday off and slept through a bunch of pumpings and didn't go to the hospital until 8pm. I felt like a terrible mom leaving my baby alone all day, but I was not emotionally stable. I had hit a breaking point. I didn't want to feed her or touch her ever again for fear she would brady. I absolutely HATE the sound of the alarm that means someone is having a brady. It is the worst sound in the world to me right now.
I am really struggling with the concept of hope right now. Lydia is supposed to get out around her due date which is in 4 weeks. I don't want to buy a carseat or get a bed or get ready for her at all because I worry she won't come home for much longer than that. I don't want to get all excited for her to come home just to have her stay there longer. I think its easier to think she won't get out so that I won't be disappointed when she doesn't and I will be ecstatic if she gets out on time! It is tricky. I want to have hope, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am convinced we will be stuck there longer than 4 more weeks.
I really want my baby home with me. I know she needs to be stable before I take her home, but I want her home.
Milestones: It was a BIG week for Lydia. She started nutritive breastfeeding, moved to an open crib, was put on a normal nasal cannula, got rid of the Rhino virus, stopped venting her feeds, is getting feeds over a shorter period of time, and got off the caffeine
Breathing: Lydia got off the high flow nasal cannula and moved to a normal one. It is really nice because we don't have to clip the huge tube to us anymore when we hold her. She is on 1/2 liter per minute and stays at around 25-30% oxygen. We want her down to 21.
Thoughts: The doctors and nurses all warned me that feeding would be the most frustrating thing. I didn't believe them til now. We weight Lydia before and after she eats to see how many mls she gets. It is really frustrating sometimes because I swear that scale is off. Saturday was a rough day for me because Lydia was off the caffeine so she was having more bradies. She was also constipated so she was crying the whole time. Thomas and his dad were hiking Timp so I was alone trying to feed her. She had 3 bradies in a row the first time I fed her. The second time she had one. She got 0 mls both times. I was so frustrated and didn't want to try to feed her ever again. The nurse that day also gave me the vibe that he didn't want me there. He basically told me to leave. He did all of her cares and didn't let me help.
There was a huge surge in babies at the NICU so we are getting nurses we haven't had before. It is slightly frustrating because they don't know us and don't know that we can do everything and like to do everything. We have been there long enough we have it down. I know they are just doing their job though. Saturday made me really appreciate Thomas. He is such an amazing husband and is right there for support. He is an amazing Daddy and his little girl is so lucky to have him.
I cried pretty much all day Saturday and prayed harder than I ever have. I was really stressed out and started throwing up because I was so upset. I took Sunday off and slept through a bunch of pumpings and didn't go to the hospital until 8pm. I felt like a terrible mom leaving my baby alone all day, but I was not emotionally stable. I had hit a breaking point. I didn't want to feed her or touch her ever again for fear she would brady. I absolutely HATE the sound of the alarm that means someone is having a brady. It is the worst sound in the world to me right now.
I am really struggling with the concept of hope right now. Lydia is supposed to get out around her due date which is in 4 weeks. I don't want to buy a carseat or get a bed or get ready for her at all because I worry she won't come home for much longer than that. I don't want to get all excited for her to come home just to have her stay there longer. I think its easier to think she won't get out so that I won't be disappointed when she doesn't and I will be ecstatic if she gets out on time! It is tricky. I want to have hope, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am convinced we will be stuck there longer than 4 more weeks.
I really want my baby home with me. I know she needs to be stable before I take her home, but I want her home.
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