At home, at school, at play... and at work.

      It's been a while since I gave an update on the fam. Basically, I've been at home, Lydia has been at school, Evan has been at play, and Thomas has been at work. I will go in order from youngest to oldest. 

Evan- at play

Evan is as goofy as ever. He misses Lydia while she's at school, but I think he also kinda likes having some time to himself where he isn't bossed around and can choose how he wants to play. It was hard at first and he kinda just looked at me and waited for me to tell him what to do, but now he's a pro at entertaining himself for the most part. 

 He is way in to super heroes, firemen, cars and trucks, "injun" turtles, and transformers. It's funny because he's never seen a super hero movie, ninja turtles, or transformers. But he loves them all! 

His current favorite thing is to have dance parties. He loves turning up the music and letting loose and it is SO cute!

Evan's hips were popping a lot and he complained every now and then about them hurting. We took him to the dr but the only available doctor at the clinic was Thomas. It was so fun to have Thomas as his doctor! He ordered x-rays but we didn't end up doing them. Evan's hips still pop but he hasn't been complaining of pain. 

Evan has been on a lettuce kick. He likes plain lettuce or a lettuce sandwich with just lettuce and bread...weird. 

Fireman Evan

When I first got out umbrellas, the kids looked at me like I was crazy. They lived in AZ for a long time.... Evan is loving how much rain we get but sometimes gets scared of the thunder so we like to turn up "Thunder" by Imagine Dragons when it rains. If I turn it on and it's not raining, he gets pretty mad at me. I guess it's a rain only song. 

 

At the clinic, there is a cute little outdoor classroom area with logs to use as block and other things like jumping log to log and stuff. 

Lydia- at school

Lydia started Kindergarten and is loving every second of it. She has an incredible teacher that she adores. Liddy hates weekends because she just wants to be at school. Her teacher has taught her so many cute little songs and rhymes to remember money, sight words, and days of the week/months of the year. 

I am in love with her school. I love that every morning when I drop her off, the teacher that opens the door to help her get out of the car greets her by name. I love that parent pick up is so well thought out and the teachers are talking to Lydia while she waits for me and I always lip read them asking her if I am her mom before I open the door to let her in which makes my anxious, paranoid momma heart happy. 

She is excelling in school and reading really well. We got lucky with her. She was born so incredibly early and was so so tiny. Before she was born, the neonatologist came and talked to us and told us about what to expect down the road because of her prematurity--developmental delays, ADHD, learning disabilities, hearing and vision problems, etc. I feel like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop because she has been totally fine so far. She hasn't had any problems since getting off oxygen and has either been right at her milestones or ahead. 

 She ended up getting an award for being respectful and it was one of her proudest moments. She still likes wearing that medal around and showing it off. Funny story. She has a friend named Avery in her class and one day she came home and said "You know what's so cool about Avery? She is reading at a level D and that's what they want us to be reading at the END of kindergarten! Isn't that cool!" I told her that I thought that was super cool and that I loved that she was so excited for her friend. Then I asked her what reading level she was reading and she said "Oh. I'm at level J. But I'll get there." Haha. She doesn't even realize how far ahead she is. Her teacher said while she was testing for reading level she got to the end of 1st grade and could have gone further but ran out of time because she needed to test the other kids. I love her hunger for books and reading. 

She has also been into writing lately. We got her a journal and it's so fun to see what kinds of things she thinks are important to write about. One morning she wrote about eating oatmeal and that it was so yummy. I've tried to work with her on putting spaces between words but she isn't listening to me, so I'll just have her hero, Mrs. Gaskins do it. New life hack: When Lydia won't listen to me I just say, "Pretend I'm Mrs. Gaskins and I am asking you to do this." She'll say " Yes ma'am" then get right to it. Not sure how long it'll last, but I'm loving it for now!

Lydia is a sweetheart. She is exhausted from school and sometimes acts out because of that, but when it comes down to it she still has a heart of gold. 

Waiting for the school bus for Miss Liddy. She started on the bus until we realized how long we'd have to wait every day and how late she'd be. By my picking her up, she gets home about an hour earlier. 

I have a love/hate relationship with this picture. She is so cute but looks way too grown up. 

Writing in her journal

The only thing that's a little annoying about the school is when they send them home with stickers that get them excited for after school activities we can't do. This is when she found out she wasn't going to get to go to the school and have pizza with Thomas that night because Thomas was working late. She was pretty disappointed. 

Our new hero!!!! Mrs. Gaskins

Lydia loves reading chapter books now...in one sitting. 

Lydia and her pride award for respect!

First day of school... ya the pics are not in order. You'll live. :)

Lydia's art skills have surpassed mine. This is narwhal and jelly from one of her favorite books.

Thomas-at work

Thomas has been busy, busy, busy. He is such a hard worker and it's a good thing because that's pretty much all he's been able to do. He is doing a medicine rotation now and it's one of the toughest. The hours are long and the work isn't easy. It's weird that we celebrate when he only has a 12 hour shift. He's had to work weekends too which has been tough on the kids. But he is such a great dad that when he is home, he makes sure to let them know he loves them and spends time with them. The kids adore their daddy and get so excited when they find out he'll be home for the weekend or even when he will be home before they go to bed! We are all so proud of how hard he is working and the incredible work he is doing to improve the health and quality of life for his patients. 

We found this cook creek behind our neighborhood and took a few walks back there. Back when we were innocent... Now we know there are venomous snakes and coyotes back there. Someone said there was a bobcat back there but I'm still not totally convinced. 

Bre-at home

It's been fun to watch Evan's personality grow and see how popular Lydia is at school. I went to eat lunch with her and she was surrounded by friends who couldn't wait to talk to me. Every morning when I drop her off, she knows someone else walking in and starts talking and laughing with them. One day when I was picking her up a little boy came up and gave her a big hug so when she got in the car I asked who it was. She said "I don't know. He's in kindergarten too. There are just lots of kids that like me and are my friend." 

There really isn't anything super interesting to say about my life right now. haha. Pretty much I drop off Lydia, play with Evan,  pick up Lydia from school, put them to bed, rinse and repeat. 

Since I hate pictures of myself, I don't have any so... here are some cute pics of the kids!

Sundays by myself while Thomas is working isn't my favorite, but these kids have been pretty good during Sacrament meeting which is a miracle. I can't deny that someone on the other side of the veil is helping with these crazies on those Sundays. 

Some nights I feel like it's a run out the clock situation when Thomas is working late. On this day, we went to library, went for a walk, and took a picnic to the park for dinner to make that clock go a little faster. Lydia said, "Mom this was like the funnest day ever. " 

:) 

Emily Baker drew these incredible pictures of the kids. She is such a talented artist and I am constantly in awe of all that she does, not just her art. People are always asking who drew them because they are hanging on our wall. She is amazing and we definitely think she should move to Texas! ;)

We painted wooden spoons to get our Halloween on

This was another run out the clock day. We went to Target and played with the toys, looked at the Halloween decorations, and read books. I love seeing my kids love books because they are pretty much my favorite. 

More on Mental Health

I've seen this quote floating around Facebook recently. I think people mean well by it and are trying to spread hope and positivity, but that isn't how I read it at all. So this is what has been floating around:

You know, I have been doing REALLY well. I have had quite a few people that are close to me mention how much happier I have been recently. The ECT is helping a lot and I have felt happier the last few weeks than I ever remember being. But I read this little thing posted by some well meaning friends, and I fell pretty low. 

So there are 2 things that come to my mind when I read this:

1) If I am suicidal, it is because of the choices I am making with my life. 

Not necessarily. It is a lot more complicated than that. It is because of the messed up chemicals in my brain. This quote makes it seem like all I need to do is make better decisions. I'm not suicidal because I sit around smoking and drinking my life away or because I have decided to just sit and mope all day. You know, this morning I said my prayers, read my scriptures, went to the temple, then we went to a science museum and read books watching the sunset on the beach. Yet here I am, feeling suicidal. What do you want me to do? How should I have lived my life differently today so that my life could "take a different path" and so I wouldn't feel this way? What do you want from me?

2) If I am suicidal, it is because my life isn't worth living. 

This quote makes it seem like it would make sense for someone to not want to live anymore because of the way they were living and the choices they were making. EVERY person is a child of God and because of that fact alone, EVERY life is worth living. 

Please be careful sharing quotes about very complicated topics. Maybe it was true for this person that they just needed to make some better decisions. I don't know because I don't know that person. But it can't be generalized to all people that have felt suicidal. This well-meaning quote, meant to bring optimism, brought on guilt, shame, and intense suicidal ideation for me. Please just be careful sharing things you may not totally understand. And if you are feeling anxious, depressed, or suicidal, feel free to reach out to me. I know what it's like and I would love to join your fight against this monster. 

And here are some pictures from my day that could have "take[n] a different path and direction."

Mental Health Awareness

So... here's a little update on my mental health since it is mental health awareness month.

This is pretty much what my brain feels like. It is constantly full of all of that stuff- stress, anxiety, depression, shame, and on and on. 

I have depression. Major, severe depression. In the past couple of years, I have been hospitalized twice for it. Each time was around 2 weeks. I have tried CBT and DBT which are forms of therapy to help with depression. I understand the things taught and I guess it helped a little, but the depression remains pretty severe. I've tried 2 different psychs since being here in Arizona and I have been on SO many combinations of meds that it's ridiculous. In all, I have tried over 20 different psych meds in all different classes (SNRIs, SSRIs, etc.). Yet, here I am. Still struggling to make it day to day. 

When I say I suffer from severe depression, I mean it. And I have fought it for most of my life. I started cutting when I was really young and I have had several suicide attempts. I do pretty good at hiding my scars and I still slip up and cut every now and then. It's really hard to stop and it is definitely an addiction. It doesn't help that there is so much shame surrounding it. So I will cut, feel guilt and shame for cutting, and then cut again because of the shame. It is a pretty vicious cycle. 

I feel like OCD is pretty misunderstood. I always thought it meant you were a germaphobe and wanted things perfect and in their rightful place. My counselor kept saying she thought we were missing a part to my mental health battle and she couldn't figure it out. Then one day, it clicked and we realized I have OCD on top of everything else. I am not a total germaphobe, though I like things to be clean and all. But I have intrusive thoughts. They are intrusive suicidal thoughts. My obsession isn't cleanliness, but suicide. My compulsion is planning or attempting suicide or self harm. I also have other little OCD behaviors like checking to make sure the door is locked multiple times before going to bed, redoing my hair over and over until it is perfect, and thoughts of needing to escape. So if you come to my house and see the disaster that it is, you would probably never guess that I suffer from OCD, but I do. I've been through a workbook my counselor gave me and that helped ,but it is still a struggle.

I don't really want to go into much detail with this one, but I have PTSD. I have flashbacks randomly throughout the day and have nightmares every night. Anything from something on TV to a loud noise to one of the kids doing something will trigger a flashback for me. I only get an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the nightmares. I'm scared to sleep because I don't want to have to re-live all of that stuff over and over again and then once I do fall asleep, it is really hard for me to stay asleep. I am on 3 different meds to help with sleep. My counselor has done EMDR with me which has helped a lot, but it is still a struggle and I have a feeling it always will be.

       Ok. I LOVE psych. It is a hilarious show. There is one episode where Shawn and Gus go undercover at a mental health hospital. When I am feeling especially crazy, I like to watch this episode because it's pretty funny. I have been there. I have been in the hospital. I have been with other crazies. And it is even funnier now. Why, you ask? The GIF above has a guy in the right background with long hair. See how out of it he is? There is kind of an ongoing joke that he has something done on the 2nd floor of the hospital and that is why he is so catatonic. Shawn asks, "what happens on the 2nd floor?" and one of the other patients says, "All I know is when you come back, you can't remember your name much less what you had for breakfast that morning." 

       Turns out, this guy is undergoing ECT- electroconvulsive therapy. Electric shock. Well, guess what? I just started ECT! There are a lot of misunderstandings and myths about it. Some include- it gives you brain damage, it is barbaric, it's not safe, it will change your personality, and it gives you permanent memory loss.

      I was starting to get desperate. The suicidal ideation was at its worst. The flashbacks were unbearable. I went to my psych for help and she said, "Well, you are on a lot of different medications and your doses are pretty high. There isn't much else I can do, you just need to keep going to therapy and take care of it through counseling." Then I would go to counseling and my therapist would say, " I'm doing what I can and you know the coping skills. You have static going on and your meds are off. You need to work with the psych to figure that out." Basically, it felt like everyone had given up on me and no one could help me. Thomas and I talked and prayed and talked and prayed. I was at a loss of what to do. 

      I knew I needed to do something because we are about to move to Texas for residency and residency is tough. It scared me to think about being alone with the kids all day and night and not being mentally stable. So Thomas and I went to the temple. We decided I should go to the temple as much as I could that week. I went to the temple 4 days in a row. I was praying for an answer about what we should do. I knew I needed to get this under control before we move. Then the thought "look into ECT" came into my mind. I thought it was crazy. I'd never qualify for that. But the thought kept coming to my mind. So we went with it. 

     We made an appointment and not only did the psych say I was a perfect candidate, but you are supposed to do 12 sessions of it over 4 weeks. Which just happened to be the exact amount of time we have left here before we are moving. So I started 2 days later. I have now had 5 sessions of it. 

     

So what is it like??

             -I go in Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning fasting. I go back and they give me anesthesia, a muscle relaxer, and something to dry up my mouth. Next thing I know, I am waking up with Thomas by my side. It takes a total of 10 minutes. 

            -The memory thing is legit. My short term memory isn't great and it is pretty annoying. Thomas says I am on par with his memory now, but I know he's just being nice. My memory isn't so bad that I don't remember who or where I am or where the kids are or whatnot. It's just little things like what plans I had made the day before, what we had done the night before, and I feel like I've been repeating myself a lot because I forget that I've already told Thomas something and I'll say it again. 

            -It's annoying to have to find babysitters so much. I really don't like asking for help all the time so to ask every other day makes me feel pretty guilty. Technically, Thomas could just drop me off and pick me up, but it is really nice to have him by my side. 

            -It's working! I haven't had as strong of suicidal thoughts. Suicide was on my mind 24/7 a week ago. Everything I saw turned into a way to kill myself. For example, I'd be driving down the road and see an overpass and all I'd be able to think about was jumping off of it. But now my mind has never felt this clear and light. Someone told me the other day that I seemed more animated than normal. It's just the beginning. I still have 7 more treatments so I'm not even halfway done yet. 

Mental health. There is so much shame associated with it, but so many suffer from it whether you have the mental illness yourself or a loved one does. I think the most dangerous thing to do is to try to hide it. I am so guilty of putting on a happy face and pretending all is well when inside I am falling apart. I don't want others to suffer the way I did. Reach out for help. Don't be ashamed. It isn't your fault. You have friends and family that love you and you can always rely on me to be there for you and be able to empathize with you. Life is hard. We don't have to do it alone. You have friends, family, and a loving Heavenly Father. 

So now you know if you didn't already-- I'm crazy! :) I asked Thomas to write a blog post about what it is like to be the loved one of someone with mental illness so keep an eye out for that. He'll get to it eventually. 

A few of our favorite things--Arizona edition

I can't believe it's been 4 years since we've moved to Arizona. Thomas will be graduating medical school this May, then we are on to residency! We will be moving to Conroe, TX the day after graduation and residency orientation starts June 17th! It's crazy how the time has flown by. As I was reflecting on these past 4 years and how much we've grown in every area of our lives, I decided it would be fun to make a list of our favorite things we did while we were here. We will miss Arizona and the amazing people here.

Tips and Tricks to survive the summer
First off, Arizona has horrible summers. Like up to 125 degrees some days summers. Obviously you want to stay inside if you can or hit up a pool or splashpad. BUT here are some other things I didn't think of:

-Car seat coolers--just some ice packs sewn into fabric to put over the carseat buckles while you are in the store, at the park, etc. so that the carseat doesn't burn the kids when you get back in
-Be careful opening doors to stores- if the handle is metal and has been in the sun, it WILL burn you. Most businesses will put a towel over the door handle in the summer, but be careful!
-Don't leave crayons or chocolate in the car...whoops!
-Bring your own water to parks. We didn't once and when we tried to drink from the water fountain, it burned us!! Also.. slides will burn. BE CAREFUL!
-Get a water table!!! We have used it year round all 4 years.
-Don't let the kids touch the water from the hose until it has been on a while and you have felt it to make sure it isn't scalding hot anymore.
-Plus side--if you are baking and forget to soften your butter, just put it outside for a few seconds and it's perfect!
-Paint with water on the sidewalk. It's fun to see how fast it dries.
-I would take toy animals or other random little toys and put them in water, then freeze it. The kids then had to use toy hammers and other things to rescue the animals. It was fun to play with ice! We have also thrown ice at the fence and watched it smash. Or blend up ice in a shaved ice machine and have a snowball fight.

Zoos

Wildlife World Zoo
This is our favorite zoo. It is SO cool! The animals seem happier first of all, it never feels crowded, and you can interact with the animals more. You can feed lots of different animals. BRING QUARTERS! They have quarter machines all over the zoo and for 50 cents you can feed giraffes, ducks, koi fish, and the petting zoo animals. You can feed the Lorikeet birds for FREE! There are a lot of different viewing areas for the animals so you can always see them. You can also go into the kangaroo walkabout and see kangaroos with no barrier between you and them. AND there is an aquarium so when you're super hot, just go to the aquarium where you can see cool fish and pet sting rays (you can actually pet these, not like normal pet the sting ray areas where its a joke to be able to reach those crazy things and you're wet, the kids are wet, and everyone is frustrated). There is also a sea lion show.

Phoenix Zoo
This zoo has a few things going for it- it's cheaper. But get a pass to the other one and the price doesn't bother you so much. It also has splash pads which is nice in the summer. The coolest part of this zoo has to be the monkey village where you can go into the squirrel  monkey cage.

Out of Africa

This is a ways away, but SO worth it. They have an awesome tiger show, we got to go on a predator walk and see them feed the predators raw meat. Thomas and Lydia fed a tiger for $5. We went on a safari and fed a giraffe. It was amazing! It's cheaper when you go on your birthday month!

Parks

Rio Vista
Has a splashpad which is a plus! The slides are super cool too.

Friendship
You have to drive a ways, which is probably why I like it. Not tons of people there. They have a splashpad and 3 different parks. One is next to the splashpad, then there is one with musical instruments the kids can play, and another one off the other direction. They have sprinklers that go off in the fields that my kids liked to run through, too. AND ducks. We liked feeding the ducks...goldfish..because I always forgot to bring bread.

Sahuaro Ranch
We call this one "Peacock Park". There are two areas to this park--the old timey part and the park part. The old timey part is some old ranch thing but it has peacocks roaming around which is cool. And bunnies and kitties. The park part is fun too! There are a few different playgrounds and swings.

Greenbriar Park
This is a neighborhood park by DI. There is rarely anyone here and it is lit up at night. There are lots of fun things and swings!

Museums

Children's Museum

SUPER FUN!! But also super crowded. You can go to the website to see how many field trippers will be there that day. But there is a climbing thing, outside play area, bikes, noodle forest, kitchen, 3 and under area, and lots more. I love that every area as a "baby area" so your toddler can play and your baby can be down playing too. 

AZ Science Center

This is pretty much another children's museum. VERY kid oriented and has a lot of fun things. If you have EBT, this is cheaper with their museums for all program. :)

Halle Heart Museum

This one is small, but fun. Get a culture pass and go for free!

Musical Instrument Museum

Not super kid friendly except for the room where you can actually play a few instruments. The rest of the time the kids were bored. But it was fun for us!

Libraries

Sunrise Mountain

There is a park next to the library and an outdoor play area at the library. The library is clean, has lots of toys including puppets, trains, puzzles, computers, dolls, and a farm. The best thing about this library is that they automatically renew your materials and text you when they renew them and then again when they are about to be due. 

Foothills

This one is not as clean or new as sunrise mountain, but that also means its less crowded. It is also next to a park. It has a play kitchen, tablets, legos, blocks, puzzles, trains, and animals. This one has way more board books and movies. But return your movies on time!!!! They don't automatically renew and it's a dollar a day. 

Uptown Jungle

Super cool indoor play area. Go Monday-Thursday before the afternoon and it is toddler time, which is cheaper than normal PLUS there aren't tons of big kids taking over. There is a toddler area, but the kids can play anywhere. There are slides, rock climbing, trampolines, balls, and more!

Chuck E. Cheese

We have a Chuck. E. Cheese problem. I'll admit it. We love it! I'll tell you my hacks. First, if you go first thing when it opens, they test all the games so there are tickets hanging out of every game. Send the kids collecting tickets! Second, the one by DI is nice, but it uses tokens which are expensive. The one in Phoenix is a further drive, but it has all you can play cards so you can buy 60 minutes of play and just swipe that thing over and over. We will swipe and have all 4 of us on a different game/ride. It ends up being cheaper and you get more tickets. Most importantly, download the apps! There are chuck e cheese apps were you can earn 500 free tickets if you play them. So there are 3 apps. 500 tickets each. Thomas and I both have all 3 apps. You do the math. We start with a lot of tickets before playing anything. You DO have to buy food to get the tickets from the apps, but we usually do Chuck E. Cheese as a treat or celebration so it's fine. 

DI

Another obsession of ours. When I get bored, I just take the kids here. They can play with the toys and we are inside in the beautiful air conditioning. Plus the board books are fifty cents so...we have a lot of books. 

Enchanted Island

Geared towards kids. All the rides are for little kids which is awesome since usually rides are like nope! you're just gonna have to sit and cry because you are too short!

Cabela's

We call this "going to see the dead animals". It's hot. We need indoor things to do. So we go look at the taxidermy animals in Cabelas. They also have a small aquarium so you can see a few alive fish. 

McCormick Stillman

Unpopular opinion- We like this train park better than anthem. It has a cool train ride, but what we really like are the awesome model trains! There is also a park there that is fun. 

Anthem Train Park

Has a train ride, splashpad, and park. There is actually another park across the parking lot that is pretty cool too. 

Rita's

Medical school is tough at times so we found reasons to celebrate whether it was finishing a test, being done with a rotation, or because we survived the day. Rita's is one of our go-tos for celebrating because it is delicious, cool, and not too expensive. They have punch cards too. But I suggest getting an ice flight. You get four flavors of ice(great for people like us that can't make decisions) and it's pretty cheap. We usually get an ice flight and a regular size ice and share it all. When it was just 3 of us, the ice flight was plenty, but Evan really likes Rita's. There is an outdoor one next to Shine dentistry and the indoor one by Starbucks and Walmart. We like the indoor one because it has a little library(take a book, leave a book type thing) and board games to play while you are there. Plus...it's indoors. 

Electric Bikes

I wish we would have known about this sooner!!! Right next to Rita's and Shine pediatric dentist is a little electric bike shop called Pedego. You can rent electric bikes for as little as $15/hr. The people are incredibly nice and it is a blast! It's right next to skunk creek trail, so you can just hop right on the trail! 

Hikes

This is a fall/winter activity. There are tons. Thunderbird has some cool ones with views of the temple, there is hole in the rock, and we did one in north scottsdale that was fun, too!

Rec Center Water Park

Pretty cheap and fun! We didn't take pictures, but you can check online. They have a lazy river, a little kids area, and a pool to play in. 

Skunk Creek Trail

This is where we got most of our exercise. There are fun parks along the trail so you can go for a run and stop at the park to let the kids play. There are also bunnies that hop across the trail sometimes. 

Sedona

Fun day trip! There are hikes, beautiful views, and it is cooler weather!

Flagstaff

Another day trip. We did this one in the winter so we could go see some snow!

Note to med students

Get out, make friends, and celebrate the little things. Go to the on campus activities! They do an amazing job putting together parties for holidays, they have open gym during the week that is fun where the kids can run around while you build your support network with fellow wives, there is also music time during the week, occasional craft times, and during the summer they have a summer camp which is incredible. We are always impressed with the things they put together for the families on campus!