I am not ashamed

           I am not ashamed. I have to keep telling myself this over and over when the negative thoughts and the embarrassment come seeping through. I have to tell myself this over and over again every day. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. If someone were diabetic, they would not be ashamed to take insulin and to seek professional help. I should not be ashamed to do the same for my mental health.
           Some people may have noticed that I haven't been as active on facebook or that I have been missing playgroups and other activities. Where have I been? In the hospital. In the behavioral health ward.
          I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have cut since I was 7. The suicidal thoughts were always in the back of my mind, but they started becoming stronger and stronger. The thoughts became constant and vivid. I couldn't even look at a calming picture of a waterfall without imagining myself drowning in the water or jumping off the cliff to an imminent death. On the night of September 10th I no longer felt safe being alone. Thomas had hid everything he could think of so that I was unable to hurt myself, but I was searching all over the house for something, anything that would work. September 11th, Thomas took me in to the hospital where I stayed until September 28th.
          It was a very long stay and it was so hard to not be there for my kids and Thomas. I felt guilty every day that I wasn't fulfilling my duties of taking care of my family and supporting Thomas in his medical school endeavors as well as his calling in the Bishopric. I felt like I was failing and that I was indeed a failure. It was difficult to be away from my family, but it was necessary. I was able to find new coping skills, stay in a safe environment, and make friends from all walks of life. My medication was adjusted and some new ones were added. I was feeling a little bit better when I was released.
         I wasn't able to go to the psychiatrist for a couple of weeks because they were booked. When I did go, they completely stopped one med and adjusted a lot of the other ones. Two days later, I tried to kill myself. Thomas walked in and was able to stop me. I had dissociated and didn't know what I was doing. Most of the time I am grateful for this, but honestly there are still moments in the day when I wish I would have been able to complete the task. This was October 19th. I was taken to the hospital that day and was transported to a hospital in Scottsdale due to lack of beds at the hospital I was previously at. My stay was a little shorter here, but not much. I stayed until October 31st. I was so grateful I got out so I could go trick or treating with the kids. They were adorable.
       Anyways... back on topic. This stay was hard. Thomas decided to take a 4 week leave of absence from school so that he could stay home with the kids. It broke my heart. I felt so so guilty for not being able to support him the way that I wanted. I was very grateful though. This new hospital was a lot nicer, but I didn't learn much coping skills wise. However, I got my medication adjusted the way it needed to be. I added on some medications and increased dosages. I am now on 8 medications. But you know what, those 8 medications have made the biggest difference. No, I am not perfectly happy and I'm not ready to conquer the world yet. I am not completely healed and I'm not sure I will be in this life. However, the suicidal thoughts are not constant anymore and they are not as intense. I feel lighter, my head is more clear, and I feel the spirit stronger than I have in years. I can function in my daily life.
        I met so many different people. I met a woman who had experienced deep loss when her son had killed himself, I met another woman who was struggling because of financial difficulties, I  met many people who were bipolar and manic and had given away every single possession, I met many homeless people who were just trying their best to get through the day, I met a man who was so giving and super rich but he was severely depressed, I met someone else who had 2 doctorate degrees but no longer felt like life was worth living, I met many who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, and some who had medical problems and because of those medical conditions, they had to take opiates and consequently became addicted. I learned a lot about judging people. As you can see, there were all different people in the hospital, but we were all so similar and got along so well. We all had depression in some form, but had chosen different unhealthy coping skills- some chose drugs and alcohol, some chose opiates, and some chose self harm. We were all hurting and trying to get on a path to healing.
        I learned a lot about myself, about the pain of others, and about new coping skills. I learned that I HAVE to be brutally honest about how I am feeling and be willing to reach out when I need help. Please PLEASE reach out if you are struggling. Stop suffering in silence like I did for so many years. Tell a friend, tell a church leader, call the crisis line, talk to me. Please just reach out. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Build a support system, you have more friends than you think you do (as I learned when so many came to our aid watching kids and visiting me in the hospital), there are more around you than you realize that have struggled with the same thing you are going through or something similar. I learned that mental illness affects all walks of life and is nothing to be ashamed of. I learned that we cannot judge others because we are more alike them than we are different. We are all children of God just trying to do our best.
         I am still on my path to healing. I am doing the best I can. One of the big things taught in the hospital is that to heal we need to accept our mental illness and not be ashamed of it. I suffer with depression, anxiety, and PTSD and I am not ashamed.

On Government Assistance

I feel like government assistance such as nutrition assistance (food stamps), WIC, and medicaid have been a common topic on social media recently. I have read stories of doctors who have a patient with fancy clothes and all the latest technology only to look at their chart and see that they are on medicaid. I have seen stories and arguments against people using food stamps for junk food at the grocery store. While I understand that people's tax money goes into funding these programs and consequently people are concerned when they feel their money is being used in a way they don't agree with, I would like to add my perspective to those stories.

Let me begin 3 years ago when we got accepted to medical school. We were very excited for this new adventure but also nervous about the financial burden this would cause our family. Tuition per year for the school is $620,000. We knew we would have to go into debt and take out loans. The max loan amount you are able to take out is not dependent on how big your family is. This means that someone who is single going to medical school can take out the same amount of money as us- a family of four. In addition to tuition, we have rent, utilities, food, medical insurance, necessities like toiletries , clothes, cleaning supplies, beds, diapers, wipes and a million other things you don't think about, med school books and medical equipment (stethoscope, otoscope, OMM table, etc), and gas for 2 cars among other things. Yes, we now need 2 cars. The first 2 years of school, Thomas either walked or rode his bike to school, but now that he is doing rotations that are anywhere from 10-45 minutes away, he needs his own car so we aren't stuck at home all day.

I considered working, but after prayer and careful consideration, we felt it best that I stay at home with the kids. We also realized that for me to work, we'd have to pay for child care and we'd come out even in the end anyway. I am a very proud person, especially when it comes to money, so we went about 6 months on our own eating through our savings. At this point, I realized we had to get government assistance. I was so humiliated, I made Thomas do all the work and make all the appointments because I didn't want to show my face in one of those offices. It is NOT an easy process, by the way. Anyway, we now are all on medicaid and get an allotted amount of money each month to use on food. Interesting fact- Thomas doesn't qualify for the food stamps portion so we don't get money for him. I work really hard to budget out our grocery bill so that we don't have to be on WIC, too, but I know a lot of student families that also use that program.

Anyways, here is a glimpse into how things are for us::

At the Store

What you see: us buying cookies, chips, cake, or other junk food with food stamps
What you don't know: First of all, we are given a budget, it's not like we have an endless amount of money to spend on junk. Although, buying junk is way cheaper than buying healthy. Secondly, I use some of that junk as rewards for being good at the store, potty training and other milestones, celebrating a good test score, counteracting a rough day, because Lydia is tiny and needs all the calories she can get,  for birthdays, and sometimes just because we want it. But I budget it out. I also download TONS of digital coupons.

These moments of joy are brought to you by the generous taxpayers of America. But seriously... thanks.

What you see: Us buying steak or carne asada
What you don't know: We very VERY rarely get fancy meats and expensive foods. However, we don't really have the money to eat out so sometimes for date night or a special celebration, we will get something nice. Date night is almost always buying something we don't normally get at the store then going home and watching Netflix. We can't afford to go out all the time, so we make it work.

At the Doctor/Hospital

What you see: Thomas with his fancy pants iPad Pro
What you don't know: that was a gift from parents for Christmas to help him study more effectively. If he is on it, he is studying or looking up the medications the doctors are prescribing so he can learn and solidify the things he is learning. That iPad was actually a pretty big game changer for his studying habits.

What you see:Lydia on an iPad
What you don't know: That was mine before our "poor days". That's right. Government assistance is temporary. People on it can have nice things from before they were in this temporary need of assistance. Also, it's not that nice. It's pretty old. But it keeps her occupied while we are at the doctor or hospital

Studying together

At our house/in general

What you see: A couple of spoiled kids with lots of toys and books
What you don't know: Every single toy or book we have was either a gift from a family member, a hand me down, or from a thrift store. I thrift shop like crazy. All of Lydia's Christmas presents were from the thrift store except her Santa gift which we got on a Black Friday sale.

This cool play mat was only $2 at a thrift store!

These kids love the hand me down books from their cousins!

Our sweet thrift store Christmas tree. The lights slowly went out section by section... but Lydia still loved it! :)

What you see: Nicer clothes and shoes for our kids
What you don't know: Once again, thrift stores or hand me downs. I can't buy them new stuff. It literally makes me sick to spend 10 bucks on a new dress for Lydia when I know I can get one at a thrift store for around 3. So yes, when she is in need of church dresses or shoes, I am constantly checking out the thrift stores. She is currently in need of some black church shoes so if you see any.. ;)

Sometimes having hand me down clothes means wearing Christmas jammies in June because that's when they fit and they are adorable. 

So from an outsider's perspective, it may look like we are using and abusing the system. We can't possibly need money for food and health insurance when we have two cars, an iPad, and toys for our kids, right? Wrong! I take comfort in the fact that this is temporary. We will eventually be done with medical school and then we will be able to pay all this money that we are getting from the government and from you wonderful taxpayers, back.  So next time you are angry at the person in front of you at the checkout line who is using food stamps to buy a bunch of junk, think twice. You don't know the whole story. Of course there are people that abuse the system, but isn't it better to think the best of people?

 And here is the reason we are in this temporary need of assistance--this cute, hardworking guy is going to be an incredible doctor someday.