I have gastroparesis. This means that my stomach empties
slower than the average human. Because of this, the food I eat is unable to be
digested and consequently comes right back up. For 8 years I have been sick on and off
with the “on’s” lasting anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 months. My schooling
suffered as I had to drop several classes and had to drop out of 2 semesters
entirely because I became too weak to attend classes. During a two week
period, I tallied the number of times I threw up each day as assigned by my doctor and it amounted to
18-26 times a day. I was very weak both physically and emotionally. I have had
many break downs and times of depression when I just wanted it to all be over.
I wanted to be healthy again and it felt like the only way that could be
possible was to die. I struggled for years with doctors, friends, family,
church leaders, and what felt like everyone in the world doubting me and feeling
as though this was a hoax so that I could receive attention. Doctors ran test
after test to no avail. Each time before a test I would hope and pray that this
was the answer--that I would finally have a diagnosis and be able to move on
with my life. I came to a point where I wished for any disease. I didn’t care
if it was cancer. I wanted an answer.
Fast forward through those terrible 8 years and I married my
best friend, my number one supporter-Thomas. Someone that believed me and didn’t
think I was a crazed maniac looking for attention by making myself throw up.
Don’t worry, that’s not the only reason I married him! ;) He believed me and so
did his family. We went on a celebratory hike up Rock Canyon on our two week
wedding anniversary. On the way down I started throwing up. My heart sunk and I
knew this one was going to be bad. I knew. I just knew this one would break me. I worried he would change his mind
and back out of this marriage. I was wrong, thank goodness. He took care of me
even though I didn’t let him do much at first due to my stubborn nature. It got to the point where once again, my
school work suffered. I was to graduate in December, but I had to drop out.
Unfortunately, the classes I need are only offered in the summer. My final
semesters and I get sick AGAIN and have to give up my life-long dream for another
year A few weeks into the sickness, we went to visit some of his family in St.
George. While there I was thoroughly embarrassed as I had to slip away to the bathroom
frequently to throw up. Over the years, I became a pro at putting on a brave
face and pretending all was well but this time it got too hard to put up the façade. The last night there it got so bad that I was
in tears and would not face my new family in such a humiliating state. I stayed
in the room and just laid in agonizing pain and humiliation while he sat right
next to me and wiped away my tears.
The next morning his brother-in-law, Tyson mentioned he knew
a girl that had similar symptoms and was diagnosed with gastroparesis. She got
something called a gastric pacemaker and it helped her a lot. Through all the
testing and the many diagnoses that never really stuck, I remember a doctor
mentioning I may have a case of gastroparesis. They tried the medication to
treat it and it didn’t help so the diagnosis was thrown out and diagnosis of
faking for attention came back. The entire four hour trip back to Provo all I
could think about was that pacemaker and how badly I wanted it. Thomas and I
did research on gastroparesis and the pacemaker when we got back. As Thomas
says, if you google anything related to the gastric pacemaker on his computer,
all the links will show up red, indicating we have already looked at that link.
After many many doctor trips, a third endoscopy, a gastric emptying test, and a
lot of phone calls, we found a doctor in Salt Lake that had worked with
pacemakers who referred us to a doctor in Vegas who could actually perform the
surgery. Blessings! Finally it felt like we had an answer. Don’t get me wrong,
I had a LOT of doubt. If it weren’t for Thomas, I would have given up.
As we continued to attend the temple regularly, pray
consistently, and read our scriptures daily, everything began to line up. The
doctor was able to get us in early, she agreed I needed the pacemaker, SHE
BELIEVED ME!, the insurance approved the procedure, and we got in for the
procedure with perfect timing. I have really struggled with the concept of
hope. It seemed to me that if I thought the worse would happen, I wouldn’t be
so disappointed when things didn’t work out. That’s how I went about life-
thinking the worst would happen. Thomas brought a whole new light to hope for
me. He taught me that it feels better to hope and that you have hope that things
will work out in the end even if its not the way you envision it. I had days
when I was sure everything would work out and I had nights where I would break
down and wish I could just die because no one would ever know what was wrong
with me or how to help me, the insurance would never approve the procedure, it
was too expensive, I was too expensive and he needed to find a better wife, and
on and on. Some nights got so bad that I became suicidal and Thomas had to hold
me to keep me from hurting myself. (I guess the people who said I was crazy
weren’t too far off! J)
It was a nightmare made reality.
Luckily my days of hopefulness began to outnumber my days of
dark, depressing thoughts. The insurance was supposed to take around 2 weeks to
approve the procedure. It had been two weeks and no phone call back. I prayed
all day and all night. I had dreams of Thomas’ phone ringing and it being the
doctor saying to come in the next day. Then I started worrying about what we
would do if we couldn’t get the procedure until September, which would mean
Thomas was in school. We couldn’t do the procedure in August because my brother
is getting married the first week and we have our open house the third week. No
time to recover. I started thinking of how I could make the trek to Vegas on my
own for the surgery while Thomas was in school. Letting him miss was not an
option. I had hurt him in too many ways, held him back while he took care of his sick wife. I wouldn't let him miss school. I decided I would drive myself and sleep in my car until the pain
killers wore off after the surgery to where I was alert and attentive enough to
drive back home. Thomas hated the plan, but I thought it was the only way. I
couldn’t stay in a hotel, it was way too expensive! And I have no family here
and my friends would all be tied up in school just like Thomas. Well, Thomas
decided to call the doctor’s office and find out if they had heard from the
insurance. This was Thursday.
They hadn’t heard anything, but they would call the next
day. Oh and by the way, someone was scheduled for the same surgery on Monday,
but "just happened" to cancel last minute. Friday came after a sleepless night of anxious
waiting. The phone FINALLY rang and my heart pounded as I awaited the news. I
looked to Thomas’ face for any sign of what kind of news this would be.
SUCCESS! The insurance approved the procedure and I was scheduled to have the
surgery on Monday! Talk about a miracle!
I have to admit, even in the last hours before the procedure
I had moments of doubt. We arrived to the hospital at 9am and by 2pm we were
still waiting to have the procedure. I laid there in that ridiculously
revealing hospital gown telling myself they had forgotten about me, that Dr.
Barber had fallen asleep after another surgery and would have to postpone this
on account of being too tired to operate, that the insurance backed out, and
millions of other thoughts of why things didn’t work out. But they did. The
Lord always comes through and I know He was watching out for me and he still
is. I will be forever grateful to Him and to Thomas and both his and my family. Laura and Tyson were a big help in finding doctors and having a place to stay so we didn't have to drive the whole 6 hours to Vegas in one shot. Thomas is my hero. He is the reason I am alive today. He helped me through my hardest times and has stayed by my side through everything. We have only been married 3 months, but he is my entire life and I am so blessed to know him, let alone spend eternity with him. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. I am so lucky to have him and I will do everything in my power to keep him and keep him happy!
Since the surgery one week ago, I have only thrown up twice.
As I walk around our apartment, physical evidence remains of the days and
nights of endless puking agonizing pain and doubt that things would ever change. The ring of mold around the toilet from throw up that
had splashed, the misplaced chair near the bathroom because I sometimes became too
weak to stand after another episode of throwing up, the juice boxes in the freezer
and fridge because drinking water brought on more violent puking than any
liquid or solid combined, the air mattress in the living room because I was in
so much pain that I couldn’t sleep unless I was distracted by a movie, the
medical bills scattered on the kitchen counter, the piles of clothes because I
was too weak to do laundry, the bare apartment walls because I had no energy to
decorate our new apartment. Gradually these things will fade. I will re-gain my
strength and clean the bathroom, do the laundry, pay the bills,and decorate the
house. But the memories. The memories. Those will never fade.
