Be grateful for the time with your family. Stay home and be grateful for your health. Be grateful your spouse has a job. Focus on the good. These are all things we are being told. But, I just want to interject and say- THIS IS HARD. It is hard to be cooped up with your family. It's hard to social distance. It's hard to have a working spouse during the pandemic. And it's ok. It's ok to not be happy all the time. It's ok to not be ok.
I've debated whether or not to write this. Will people think I'm just complaining and ungrateful? But ultimately I decided that it is important to be real. To let any that may be struggling know that it's ok--I think most of us are to some degree.
There are times it is really nice having the kids home. Since I've been homeschooling Lydia, Evan has also learned a lot and his attention span when I read to him has increased dramatically. Since they only have each other, they have relearned how to play together and they are getting along better than when Lydia was in school. HOWEVER, it isn't always nice. Sometimes they are sick of each other and just fight and yell. Sometimes they have a lot of time out time. Sometimes I threaten Lydia that I am going to tell her teacher the way she is acting. Sometimes my patience wears thin. And most of the time, our house looks like a tornado came through.
Ninja Evan is a scary sight. This usually lead to fighting
This moment of getting along only lasted 5 minutes because Evan wanted to be Elsa and Lydia wasn't about to give that up.
I have to pray every morning to remember why I had kids and for help to see them through God's eyes instead of seeing them as a burden. I have to make a conscious effort to say "yes" more when they ask me to play a game for the 20th time that day and to give them my undivided attention and be present with them when the "natural man" inside me wants so badly to escape by mindlessly scrolling through facebook or watching videos I don't even really care about. Of course I love them, but that doesn't mean spending 24/7 with them with no break is my favorite...I can't even shower without one of them coming in and "needing" something. I used to do my personal scripture study while waiting in the parent pick-up line after school and now I don't have that anymore. I had to learn that I can't wait for a quiet time to study, because that's just not gonna happen. I've had to adjust when I exercise , write in my journal,etc. For instance, this post has taken days because every time I've started to write, the kids start fighting and I have to abandon this and go make sure they both stay alive and unharmed.
When I'm about to lose it, we add water, snacks, or sunshine. That means I either put them in the bath, fill up the baby pool, or they play in the sprinkler or rain; I have them help me make a treat like muddy buddies or fruit loop necklaces; or we play outside. Sometimes it's a combination. But this is the best way I've found to distract us and get us out of a funk.
I don't like the term social distancing. It makes me nervous. We shouldn't be socially distancing. We definitely need to be PHYSICALLY distancing, but that doesn't mean we can't socially connect with others through social media, phone calls, etc. I have felt more alone during this "social distancing" than I have in a long time.
Before all this, when I would interact with other adults I would always feel so awkward then come home and re-play the conversation over and over in my head mulling over the dumb things I said or didn't say. And even as awkward as I am, I still miss being around other people. The few hours I get to have an adult conversation when Thomas gets home is the highlight of my day. Yes, I am so grateful that Thomas is able to work. But at the same time... don't think I haven't fantasized about one of us getting COVID(a mild case, of course) and Thomas getting..I mean having.. to stay home with us and quarantine. I wish he could be home with us. I'm so glad he can go help his patients, but I also worry about what he might be bringing home to us and we all miss him.
We got to FaceTime Daddy for a few minutes while he's working at the hospital so that the kids could tell them about what the Easter bunny brought them.
Lydia is struggling. She is a social butterfly with anxiety and it has been hard for her to have all this change and no friends. She's sad she doesn't get to go on a field trip, she's missed birthday parties, she's worried she won't be able to have a birthday party herself, she misses her rockstar Kindergarten teacher, she missed out on the Rodeo we had tickets to, she misses her cousins and grandparents, she misses the park, she didn't get to see the Easter bunny this year, she's missing the annual daddy daughter date to pick out an Easter dress, and she's sad we aren't doing an Easter egg hunt at Grandma's house this year. She is missing out on a lot of stuff. We all are. It's ok to be sad about that. It's ok to mourn the things we have lost. If we were supposed to be happy all the time, the Lord wouldn't have commanded us to "mourn with those that mourn."
One of Lydia's coping skills is to read while being surrounded by snuggly things
I think it's unhealthy to expect us to be totally happy about the situation we are in. Pushing down the sadness and the fact that this is hard isn't going to help anyone. I want my kids to tell me when they are sad so we can work through it and talk about it. When they are honest about their feelings, we are able to build coping skills.
Just because you are an adult, doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. It's ok to be sad that you're stuck in the house and missing out on things. It's ok that you're exhausted. I have to echo the wise and so eloquently said quote by Elder Holland, "You are doing better than you think you are."
Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for many things during this time. But I can be grateful AND have a hard time. I struggle most days with severe depression. I'm not going to go into that now, but I will say that something that always makes me feel so much worse is when people respond to my depression by saying things like "if you count your blessings, you'll feel better." First of all, it makes me feel like people want me to just shove down my negative feelings and only focus on the good. Trust me. I know I am blessed and I know I have an infinite number of things to be grateful for. Yet, here I am, still struggling with depression. It makes me feel incredibly guilty that even though I am so blessed, that I still feel depressed.
One of my greatest blessings is my family. I love my crazy kids and my husband is my best friend. Can't get much better than that.
I know there is power in seeing the good, but that doesn't mean you have to dismiss the bad. The Lord gives us trials so that we can see His hand in our lives. He allows us to suffer so we can be served and so we can serve others. He allows us to be sad so that we can have empathy for others. So during this time, I want you to know that it's ok to not be ok. Most days, I am barely scraping by. If you need to talk and need someone to let you vent and let out all the negative, I am here for you and willing to listen. Just like in high school musical, "We're all in this together" even if we can't physically be together.
