We have a bin of Lydia's memories and these are a couple of the things in there. Above is a scrub brush. Every time we went to see her, we had to scrub in for 5 minutes with one of these and use the nail thingy too. Below are a couple of her first diapers. It's hard to believe she ever fit in something so tiny!
It was today, May 7th. 6 years ago. One of the scariest days of my life. Thomas and I had graduated from BYU and we were planning to move to Texas soon. We had an OB appointment set up there and everything. My blood pressure had started creeping up, so I was put on blood pressure medication and we were monitoring it. After a long day of teaching, I headed to my OB appointment with Thomas. I sat down to get my blood pressure taken and took some deep breaths in an effort to keep it low. The nurse looked at the numbers and just shook her head.
My blood pressure was 164/103. It wasn't going down even with the medication. I thought to myself, I guess we'll have to increase the meds. No big deal. It then took my OB 20 minutes to come into the room. I sat there with my 'no big deal' theory slowly fading away. She was usually quick to come in after I had my vitals done. What had gone wrong?
Finally, she walked in the room. She said, "Your blood pressure is high and the protein in your urine is increasing. You have preeclampsia. Go home and pack your bag and go straight to the hospital. I just called them so they know you are coming and I will meet you there. You will most likely deliver in the next 48 hours."
The next few minutes are a blur as I walked out of the office in a fog. I got in the car and Thomas suggested calling my family to let them know. I started calling. No one was answering. I have a big family and tried pretty much everyone. I called my mom I don't know how many times. I tried my dad, my brothers, my sisters... why was no one answering? I was starting to freak out but kept my cool while we packed our bag and got back in the car. My mind was racing. We didn't have a name. We hadn't bought a crib. She was supposed to be born in Texas. We weren't ready. I wasn't ready. She was too little. I can't deliver yet! I had decided where we would bury her because I was sure she wasn't going to make it. I started to break down. When we drove up next the hospital, they had one of those digital signs that has lots of different messages on it. However, when we drove up, the sign 'just happened' to proclaim proudly "Level III NICU: down to 24 weeks gestation" This sign brought me peace and I was able to calm down and start having a little more faith in the situation.
I had a steroid shot as soon as I checked into the hospital to help with Lydia's lungs. The 8th was uneventful besides playing around with baby names since we hadn't decided on that yet. But on the 9th , they did an ultrasound where they saw that Lydia wasn't growing very well because of the preeclampsia. A decision was made that she needed to be delivered that day. The Neonatologist came in to talk to us about the risks and what challenges we may have. Thomas actually recorded this conversation. The doctor told us her survival rate which was actually pretty good and then he went on to tell us of things that may result- her lungs were little and she'd have trouble breathing, her brain could have swelling or minor bleeds and her heart may as well, she may have special needs anywhere from mild to severe, she may have learning disabilities, and to expect her to have delays on her milestones.
We were told we would be given an hour's notice before they took me back for the c-section, but soon after they came in saying that my platelet count had dropped and we were doing the c-section now. When they pulled the little thing out I heard the faintest little whimper. SO quiet. They rushed her to me so I could touch her cheek then quickly rushed her to a corner where they had lots of people ready to assess and work on her. I told Thomas to go over there and be with her while they closed me up.
She was alive. She had whimpered. She was a whopping 2 lbs 6 oz. Thomas followed her incubator to the NICU and I was wheeled back to my room. I felt so scared and alone when I saw my sister's face and was overwhelmed with gratitude. She had made the long drive out just to be with me. I don't think Jill will ever realize how much I needed her in that moment. She said she had gotten there and seen Thomas and Lydia in the incubator being wheeled into the NICU and then she sat with me and helped distract me. Thomas texted me updates and pictures. They told me I couldn't go see her until I could stand up so as soon as I could tell my toes to wiggle, and they did it, I stood up and said I wanted to see her.
We had no idea what a roller coaster the next 11 weeks would be. How different it would be than we expected with our first. How certain milestones would mean the world to us when otherwise we wouldn't have even recognized it as a milestone. I journaled in the NICU journal given to us so that I would never forget. There are sacred experiences written in this journal and countless tender mercies recorded. But there is also the raw emotion of being in the NICU for 77 days. The uncertainty, the fear, the lack of hope, and the jealousy when I saw healthy babies. Here are a few of the things we wrote about:
May 10th-- I got to hold Lydia for 30 minutes! (I didn't get to hold her again until May 18th because she was put back on the ventilator and her breathing was weak)
May 18th- Thomas got to hold her for the first time!
She pulls all her wires off, pulls out her feeding tube, and pulled off her CPAP even when the nurses said she shouldn't be able to because she was too little to pull that velcro off.. she proved them wrong and earned nicknames like "Houdini toes" as she'd get the wires stuck in between her toes then pull them so they'd come off. She was pushing her feeding tube out of her mouth with her tongue so they put it through her nose and she pulled it all the way out. Multiple times.
May 19th- I changed her diaper for the first time and we got the news that we can now hold her every other day for 30 minutes.
June 4th- She wore clothes for the first time! I never would have thought putting clothes on a baby was such a big deal, but it was a huge milestone!
June 8th- Thomas made friends with another dad while we were scrubbing in and the next day their baby was taken off the ventilator and passed away. The heartache in the NICU is real.
Also June 8th- Lydia somehow caught a cold. She was put in isolation and her O2 sats were dropping. I tried to hold her but she kept dipping too low and I had to put her back. We had to gown, mask, and glove to see her.
Thomas makes the comment that having a baby in the NICU is like getting a Christmas present and not having the batteries for it. It is getting harder to leave her.
July 4th- I wrote, "The alarm that goes off when a brady cardia happens is my least favorite sound. The other night it went off 8 times."
July 20th- I wrote, "When the NP told me it would be 2-3 more weeks, I had to leave the hospital. Thomas was still out of town and I couldn't handle the news on my own. We have done our time. I just want my baby at home with me and Thomas. "
Also July 20th- feeding tube out!!
There were so many ups and downs. I remember going to the hospital anxious to hold Lydia and getting to her bedside only to see the respiratory therapists surrounding her while her oxygen alarms were going off. I wasn't allowed to hold her. I remember Lydia getting really upset and a nurse saying "oh let me take her and calm her down" and then ripping her from my arms, patting Lydia's back, and putting her back in her crib. Why couldn't I calm my own baby down? Why couldn't I hold MY baby?
July 25th, 77 days later, we were finally able to take her home on oxygen. She has been a blessing in our lives ever since. She doesn't have the complications they warned us about. She had a small bleed in her brain that corrected itself. She met almost all her milestones according to her real age, not her adjusted age. She has no learning disabilities. She is brilliant, curious, and above grade level for reading. She came into this world a fighter and has kept that spunky, feisty personality. We love her so much and we are so grateful she is in our forever family.
