A few of our favorite things--Arizona edition

I can't believe it's been 4 years since we've moved to Arizona. Thomas will be graduating medical school this May, then we are on to residency! We will be moving to Conroe, TX the day after graduation and residency orientation starts June 17th! It's crazy how the time has flown by. As I was reflecting on these past 4 years and how much we've grown in every area of our lives, I decided it would be fun to make a list of our favorite things we did while we were here. We will miss Arizona and the amazing people here.

Tips and Tricks to survive the summer
First off, Arizona has horrible summers. Like up to 125 degrees some days summers. Obviously you want to stay inside if you can or hit up a pool or splashpad. BUT here are some other things I didn't think of:

-Car seat coolers--just some ice packs sewn into fabric to put over the carseat buckles while you are in the store, at the park, etc. so that the carseat doesn't burn the kids when you get back in
-Be careful opening doors to stores- if the handle is metal and has been in the sun, it WILL burn you. Most businesses will put a towel over the door handle in the summer, but be careful!
-Don't leave crayons or chocolate in the car...whoops!
-Bring your own water to parks. We didn't once and when we tried to drink from the water fountain, it burned us!! Also.. slides will burn. BE CAREFUL!
-Get a water table!!! We have used it year round all 4 years.
-Don't let the kids touch the water from the hose until it has been on a while and you have felt it to make sure it isn't scalding hot anymore.
-Plus side--if you are baking and forget to soften your butter, just put it outside for a few seconds and it's perfect!
-Paint with water on the sidewalk. It's fun to see how fast it dries.
-I would take toy animals or other random little toys and put them in water, then freeze it. The kids then had to use toy hammers and other things to rescue the animals. It was fun to play with ice! We have also thrown ice at the fence and watched it smash. Or blend up ice in a shaved ice machine and have a snowball fight.

Zoos

Wildlife World Zoo
This is our favorite zoo. It is SO cool! The animals seem happier first of all, it never feels crowded, and you can interact with the animals more. You can feed lots of different animals. BRING QUARTERS! They have quarter machines all over the zoo and for 50 cents you can feed giraffes, ducks, koi fish, and the petting zoo animals. You can feed the Lorikeet birds for FREE! There are a lot of different viewing areas for the animals so you can always see them. You can also go into the kangaroo walkabout and see kangaroos with no barrier between you and them. AND there is an aquarium so when you're super hot, just go to the aquarium where you can see cool fish and pet sting rays (you can actually pet these, not like normal pet the sting ray areas where its a joke to be able to reach those crazy things and you're wet, the kids are wet, and everyone is frustrated). There is also a sea lion show.

Phoenix Zoo
This zoo has a few things going for it- it's cheaper. But get a pass to the other one and the price doesn't bother you so much. It also has splash pads which is nice in the summer. The coolest part of this zoo has to be the monkey village where you can go into the squirrel  monkey cage.

Out of Africa

This is a ways away, but SO worth it. They have an awesome tiger show, we got to go on a predator walk and see them feed the predators raw meat. Thomas and Lydia fed a tiger for $5. We went on a safari and fed a giraffe. It was amazing! It's cheaper when you go on your birthday month!

Parks

Rio Vista
Has a splashpad which is a plus! The slides are super cool too.

Friendship
You have to drive a ways, which is probably why I like it. Not tons of people there. They have a splashpad and 3 different parks. One is next to the splashpad, then there is one with musical instruments the kids can play, and another one off the other direction. They have sprinklers that go off in the fields that my kids liked to run through, too. AND ducks. We liked feeding the ducks...goldfish..because I always forgot to bring bread.

Sahuaro Ranch
We call this one "Peacock Park". There are two areas to this park--the old timey part and the park part. The old timey part is some old ranch thing but it has peacocks roaming around which is cool. And bunnies and kitties. The park part is fun too! There are a few different playgrounds and swings.

Greenbriar Park
This is a neighborhood park by DI. There is rarely anyone here and it is lit up at night. There are lots of fun things and swings!

Museums

Children's Museum

SUPER FUN!! But also super crowded. You can go to the website to see how many field trippers will be there that day. But there is a climbing thing, outside play area, bikes, noodle forest, kitchen, 3 and under area, and lots more. I love that every area as a "baby area" so your toddler can play and your baby can be down playing too. 

AZ Science Center

This is pretty much another children's museum. VERY kid oriented and has a lot of fun things. If you have EBT, this is cheaper with their museums for all program. :)

Halle Heart Museum

This one is small, but fun. Get a culture pass and go for free!

Musical Instrument Museum

Not super kid friendly except for the room where you can actually play a few instruments. The rest of the time the kids were bored. But it was fun for us!

Libraries

Sunrise Mountain

There is a park next to the library and an outdoor play area at the library. The library is clean, has lots of toys including puppets, trains, puzzles, computers, dolls, and a farm. The best thing about this library is that they automatically renew your materials and text you when they renew them and then again when they are about to be due. 

Foothills

This one is not as clean or new as sunrise mountain, but that also means its less crowded. It is also next to a park. It has a play kitchen, tablets, legos, blocks, puzzles, trains, and animals. This one has way more board books and movies. But return your movies on time!!!! They don't automatically renew and it's a dollar a day. 

Uptown Jungle

Super cool indoor play area. Go Monday-Thursday before the afternoon and it is toddler time, which is cheaper than normal PLUS there aren't tons of big kids taking over. There is a toddler area, but the kids can play anywhere. There are slides, rock climbing, trampolines, balls, and more!

Chuck E. Cheese

We have a Chuck. E. Cheese problem. I'll admit it. We love it! I'll tell you my hacks. First, if you go first thing when it opens, they test all the games so there are tickets hanging out of every game. Send the kids collecting tickets! Second, the one by DI is nice, but it uses tokens which are expensive. The one in Phoenix is a further drive, but it has all you can play cards so you can buy 60 minutes of play and just swipe that thing over and over. We will swipe and have all 4 of us on a different game/ride. It ends up being cheaper and you get more tickets. Most importantly, download the apps! There are chuck e cheese apps were you can earn 500 free tickets if you play them. So there are 3 apps. 500 tickets each. Thomas and I both have all 3 apps. You do the math. We start with a lot of tickets before playing anything. You DO have to buy food to get the tickets from the apps, but we usually do Chuck E. Cheese as a treat or celebration so it's fine. 

DI

Another obsession of ours. When I get bored, I just take the kids here. They can play with the toys and we are inside in the beautiful air conditioning. Plus the board books are fifty cents so...we have a lot of books. 

Enchanted Island

Geared towards kids. All the rides are for little kids which is awesome since usually rides are like nope! you're just gonna have to sit and cry because you are too short!

Cabela's

We call this "going to see the dead animals". It's hot. We need indoor things to do. So we go look at the taxidermy animals in Cabelas. They also have a small aquarium so you can see a few alive fish. 

McCormick Stillman

Unpopular opinion- We like this train park better than anthem. It has a cool train ride, but what we really like are the awesome model trains! There is also a park there that is fun. 

Anthem Train Park

Has a train ride, splashpad, and park. There is actually another park across the parking lot that is pretty cool too. 

Rita's

Medical school is tough at times so we found reasons to celebrate whether it was finishing a test, being done with a rotation, or because we survived the day. Rita's is one of our go-tos for celebrating because it is delicious, cool, and not too expensive. They have punch cards too. But I suggest getting an ice flight. You get four flavors of ice(great for people like us that can't make decisions) and it's pretty cheap. We usually get an ice flight and a regular size ice and share it all. When it was just 3 of us, the ice flight was plenty, but Evan really likes Rita's. There is an outdoor one next to Shine dentistry and the indoor one by Starbucks and Walmart. We like the indoor one because it has a little library(take a book, leave a book type thing) and board games to play while you are there. Plus...it's indoors. 

Electric Bikes

I wish we would have known about this sooner!!! Right next to Rita's and Shine pediatric dentist is a little electric bike shop called Pedego. You can rent electric bikes for as little as $15/hr. The people are incredibly nice and it is a blast! It's right next to skunk creek trail, so you can just hop right on the trail! 

Hikes

This is a fall/winter activity. There are tons. Thunderbird has some cool ones with views of the temple, there is hole in the rock, and we did one in north scottsdale that was fun, too!

Rec Center Water Park

Pretty cheap and fun! We didn't take pictures, but you can check online. They have a lazy river, a little kids area, and a pool to play in. 

Skunk Creek Trail

This is where we got most of our exercise. There are fun parks along the trail so you can go for a run and stop at the park to let the kids play. There are also bunnies that hop across the trail sometimes. 

Sedona

Fun day trip! There are hikes, beautiful views, and it is cooler weather!

Flagstaff

Another day trip. We did this one in the winter so we could go see some snow!

Note to med students

Get out, make friends, and celebrate the little things. Go to the on campus activities! They do an amazing job putting together parties for holidays, they have open gym during the week that is fun where the kids can run around while you build your support network with fellow wives, there is also music time during the week, occasional craft times, and during the summer they have a summer camp which is incredible. We are always impressed with the things they put together for the families on campus!

A glimpse into our real life

I've been feeling like I need to write this post for a while now. Lately I have been struggling with comparing myself to others and feeling like a failure as a wife, mom, and just a human being in general. Too often, we only post the good on social media. I get it. Who wants to read about your depressing, messy life? But I also think it's important to occasionally be vulnerable and real. I know I can't be the only one that compares my worst to others best. So here is my post to let you know that my life is not perfect. Far from it.

I have OCD, PTSD, Major Depressive, perfectionism, and anxiety. It is a daily battle. It affects me every single day as I fight the thoughts of self harm, suicide, and making everything perfect. Because it affects me, I know it in turn affects Thomas and the kids. And that kills me. I wish they didn't have to live with this too. I constantly feel like they deserve better. I love them and I do the best I can. But it never feels like enough.

Social media is sometimes hard for me. I have so many friends posting about how much weight they have lost or how they are working out everyday. I am proud of them, but it makes me feel so ashamed of my weight. I have gained 50 lbs in the last year because of all the medications I am on for mental illness. While I realize that if I stopped taking them I'd be in the hospital again, it is hard to feel like such a fat slob and it really eats at my self esteem. I try to go for walks and exercise, but I have had no energy lately. Sometimes all I can do is lay on the playroom floor while the kids play and climb all over me. So I am here to say that I don't have the picture perfect body. I could make excuses all day, but I just have to accept it and be grateful that I have a body. And I am. I am grateful for all the things my body can do and I am grateful for this mortal experience.

My counselor gave me this bracelet so that I can remember to not compare myself to others. I am me. I am a daughter of God and He loves me in my imperfect state.

There are days my kids are in pajamas until 4pm. Ever have one of those days?

Church has been rough this month. Thomas has been doing his ER rotation and he was working nights at first. The hours are long and the rotation is about an hour and half away so we haven't gotten to see him much. He has had to work every single Sunday this month which means I'm on my own with the kids at church. All through sacrament meeting I worry about what others are thinking about how I can't control my kids and how crazy and loud they are. I do the best I can, but they are kids and they are crazy. Luckily, Evan started nursery and is doing great in there. I don't know if I could make it through church if he wasn't in nursery.

I know they look so cute and innocent in this picture. But I am sweatin up a storm after sacrament meeting trying to keep them contained and quiet.

A lot of people have mentioned to me what a fun mom I am and how we are always going and doing fun things. Here's the secret-it's for selfish reasons. I have to get out of the house. If I stay in the house too long and don't stay busy, the suicidal thoughts get stronger. We are usually out of the house at least once a day doing something. But, there are days I can't go anywhere though because I don't trust myself to drive when the suicidal thoughts are so strong. But we stay busy with art projects and such to keep my mind off of things. So while it may look like I've got things under control and I'm always out and about, in reality I'm just struggling and pushing through the day.

Library day!

A picnic in Lydia's princess tent

My little climber

Chuck E. Cheese

My house is not clean. There is always junk on the floor. Especially under Evan's chair at the kitchen table. We turn on music and clean, but it's never spotless. We always have dishes in the sink or hampers of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I wish I had the energy. I wish I could be the ideal housewife- spotless house, dinner on the table when Thomas gets home, the kids busy with fun projects. They spend way too much time watching TV or on the iPad. I'm doing the best I can. The kids are alive. They are happy...most of the time. 

Our playroom that looks like a tornado came through.

This is where Evan decided he could get the nacho cheese all by himself. I should have cleaned it up yesterday but it's still there today. Gross. I know.

It's not all doom and gloom. We have fun! I love teaching my kids and playing with them. I love my family. I am so blessed to have the most incredible husband in the world. He is so supportive of me and is my best friend. We stay up late every night talking and laughing. Marriage is not and never has been a struggle for me. It is a blessing. It is so easy to be married to Thomas. Life is so much easier with him around. We always get along and talk about everything. He's my favorite. 

So you are probably wondering why in the world I would post this for the world to see. This sounds more like a journal post. I agree. But I also think it important for people to see the messy side of life. To be genuine. To not be ashamed when your house isn't clean, the kids aren't behaving, or when you are struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I guess what I am saying is you are not alone. We all have hard times. So don't compare yourself to others. You are you and you are loved.

I am not ashamed

           I am not ashamed. I have to keep telling myself this over and over when the negative thoughts and the embarrassment come seeping through. I have to tell myself this over and over again every day. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. If someone were diabetic, they would not be ashamed to take insulin and to seek professional help. I should not be ashamed to do the same for my mental health.
           Some people may have noticed that I haven't been as active on facebook or that I have been missing playgroups and other activities. Where have I been? In the hospital. In the behavioral health ward.
          I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have cut since I was 7. The suicidal thoughts were always in the back of my mind, but they started becoming stronger and stronger. The thoughts became constant and vivid. I couldn't even look at a calming picture of a waterfall without imagining myself drowning in the water or jumping off the cliff to an imminent death. On the night of September 10th I no longer felt safe being alone. Thomas had hid everything he could think of so that I was unable to hurt myself, but I was searching all over the house for something, anything that would work. September 11th, Thomas took me in to the hospital where I stayed until September 28th.
          It was a very long stay and it was so hard to not be there for my kids and Thomas. I felt guilty every day that I wasn't fulfilling my duties of taking care of my family and supporting Thomas in his medical school endeavors as well as his calling in the Bishopric. I felt like I was failing and that I was indeed a failure. It was difficult to be away from my family, but it was necessary. I was able to find new coping skills, stay in a safe environment, and make friends from all walks of life. My medication was adjusted and some new ones were added. I was feeling a little bit better when I was released.
         I wasn't able to go to the psychiatrist for a couple of weeks because they were booked. When I did go, they completely stopped one med and adjusted a lot of the other ones. Two days later, I tried to kill myself. Thomas walked in and was able to stop me. I had dissociated and didn't know what I was doing. Most of the time I am grateful for this, but honestly there are still moments in the day when I wish I would have been able to complete the task. This was October 19th. I was taken to the hospital that day and was transported to a hospital in Scottsdale due to lack of beds at the hospital I was previously at. My stay was a little shorter here, but not much. I stayed until October 31st. I was so grateful I got out so I could go trick or treating with the kids. They were adorable.
       Anyways... back on topic. This stay was hard. Thomas decided to take a 4 week leave of absence from school so that he could stay home with the kids. It broke my heart. I felt so so guilty for not being able to support him the way that I wanted. I was very grateful though. This new hospital was a lot nicer, but I didn't learn much coping skills wise. However, I got my medication adjusted the way it needed to be. I added on some medications and increased dosages. I am now on 8 medications. But you know what, those 8 medications have made the biggest difference. No, I am not perfectly happy and I'm not ready to conquer the world yet. I am not completely healed and I'm not sure I will be in this life. However, the suicidal thoughts are not constant anymore and they are not as intense. I feel lighter, my head is more clear, and I feel the spirit stronger than I have in years. I can function in my daily life.
        I met so many different people. I met a woman who had experienced deep loss when her son had killed himself, I met another woman who was struggling because of financial difficulties, I  met many people who were bipolar and manic and had given away every single possession, I met many homeless people who were just trying their best to get through the day, I met a man who was so giving and super rich but he was severely depressed, I met someone else who had 2 doctorate degrees but no longer felt like life was worth living, I met many who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, and some who had medical problems and because of those medical conditions, they had to take opiates and consequently became addicted. I learned a lot about judging people. As you can see, there were all different people in the hospital, but we were all so similar and got along so well. We all had depression in some form, but had chosen different unhealthy coping skills- some chose drugs and alcohol, some chose opiates, and some chose self harm. We were all hurting and trying to get on a path to healing.
        I learned a lot about myself, about the pain of others, and about new coping skills. I learned that I HAVE to be brutally honest about how I am feeling and be willing to reach out when I need help. Please PLEASE reach out if you are struggling. Stop suffering in silence like I did for so many years. Tell a friend, tell a church leader, call the crisis line, talk to me. Please just reach out. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Build a support system, you have more friends than you think you do (as I learned when so many came to our aid watching kids and visiting me in the hospital), there are more around you than you realize that have struggled with the same thing you are going through or something similar. I learned that mental illness affects all walks of life and is nothing to be ashamed of. I learned that we cannot judge others because we are more alike them than we are different. We are all children of God just trying to do our best.
         I am still on my path to healing. I am doing the best I can. One of the big things taught in the hospital is that to heal we need to accept our mental illness and not be ashamed of it. I suffer with depression, anxiety, and PTSD and I am not ashamed.