I am not ashamed

           I am not ashamed. I have to keep telling myself this over and over when the negative thoughts and the embarrassment come seeping through. I have to tell myself this over and over again every day. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. If someone were diabetic, they would not be ashamed to take insulin and to seek professional help. I should not be ashamed to do the same for my mental health.
           Some people may have noticed that I haven't been as active on facebook or that I have been missing playgroups and other activities. Where have I been? In the hospital. In the behavioral health ward.
          I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have cut since I was 7. The suicidal thoughts were always in the back of my mind, but they started becoming stronger and stronger. The thoughts became constant and vivid. I couldn't even look at a calming picture of a waterfall without imagining myself drowning in the water or jumping off the cliff to an imminent death. On the night of September 10th I no longer felt safe being alone. Thomas had hid everything he could think of so that I was unable to hurt myself, but I was searching all over the house for something, anything that would work. September 11th, Thomas took me in to the hospital where I stayed until September 28th.
          It was a very long stay and it was so hard to not be there for my kids and Thomas. I felt guilty every day that I wasn't fulfilling my duties of taking care of my family and supporting Thomas in his medical school endeavors as well as his calling in the Bishopric. I felt like I was failing and that I was indeed a failure. It was difficult to be away from my family, but it was necessary. I was able to find new coping skills, stay in a safe environment, and make friends from all walks of life. My medication was adjusted and some new ones were added. I was feeling a little bit better when I was released.
         I wasn't able to go to the psychiatrist for a couple of weeks because they were booked. When I did go, they completely stopped one med and adjusted a lot of the other ones. Two days later, I tried to kill myself. Thomas walked in and was able to stop me. I had dissociated and didn't know what I was doing. Most of the time I am grateful for this, but honestly there are still moments in the day when I wish I would have been able to complete the task. This was October 19th. I was taken to the hospital that day and was transported to a hospital in Scottsdale due to lack of beds at the hospital I was previously at. My stay was a little shorter here, but not much. I stayed until October 31st. I was so grateful I got out so I could go trick or treating with the kids. They were adorable.
       Anyways... back on topic. This stay was hard. Thomas decided to take a 4 week leave of absence from school so that he could stay home with the kids. It broke my heart. I felt so so guilty for not being able to support him the way that I wanted. I was very grateful though. This new hospital was a lot nicer, but I didn't learn much coping skills wise. However, I got my medication adjusted the way it needed to be. I added on some medications and increased dosages. I am now on 8 medications. But you know what, those 8 medications have made the biggest difference. No, I am not perfectly happy and I'm not ready to conquer the world yet. I am not completely healed and I'm not sure I will be in this life. However, the suicidal thoughts are not constant anymore and they are not as intense. I feel lighter, my head is more clear, and I feel the spirit stronger than I have in years. I can function in my daily life.
        I met so many different people. I met a woman who had experienced deep loss when her son had killed himself, I met another woman who was struggling because of financial difficulties, I  met many people who were bipolar and manic and had given away every single possession, I met many homeless people who were just trying their best to get through the day, I met a man who was so giving and super rich but he was severely depressed, I met someone else who had 2 doctorate degrees but no longer felt like life was worth living, I met many who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, and some who had medical problems and because of those medical conditions, they had to take opiates and consequently became addicted. I learned a lot about judging people. As you can see, there were all different people in the hospital, but we were all so similar and got along so well. We all had depression in some form, but had chosen different unhealthy coping skills- some chose drugs and alcohol, some chose opiates, and some chose self harm. We were all hurting and trying to get on a path to healing.
        I learned a lot about myself, about the pain of others, and about new coping skills. I learned that I HAVE to be brutally honest about how I am feeling and be willing to reach out when I need help. Please PLEASE reach out if you are struggling. Stop suffering in silence like I did for so many years. Tell a friend, tell a church leader, call the crisis line, talk to me. Please just reach out. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Build a support system, you have more friends than you think you do (as I learned when so many came to our aid watching kids and visiting me in the hospital), there are more around you than you realize that have struggled with the same thing you are going through or something similar. I learned that mental illness affects all walks of life and is nothing to be ashamed of. I learned that we cannot judge others because we are more alike them than we are different. We are all children of God just trying to do our best.
         I am still on my path to healing. I am doing the best I can. One of the big things taught in the hospital is that to heal we need to accept our mental illness and not be ashamed of it. I suffer with depression, anxiety, and PTSD and I am not ashamed.

On Government Assistance

I feel like government assistance such as nutrition assistance (food stamps), WIC, and medicaid have been a common topic on social media recently. I have read stories of doctors who have a patient with fancy clothes and all the latest technology only to look at their chart and see that they are on medicaid. I have seen stories and arguments against people using food stamps for junk food at the grocery store. While I understand that people's tax money goes into funding these programs and consequently people are concerned when they feel their money is being used in a way they don't agree with, I would like to add my perspective to those stories.

Let me begin 3 years ago when we got accepted to medical school. We were very excited for this new adventure but also nervous about the financial burden this would cause our family. Tuition per year for the school is $620,000. We knew we would have to go into debt and take out loans. The max loan amount you are able to take out is not dependent on how big your family is. This means that someone who is single going to medical school can take out the same amount of money as us- a family of four. In addition to tuition, we have rent, utilities, food, medical insurance, necessities like toiletries , clothes, cleaning supplies, beds, diapers, wipes and a million other things you don't think about, med school books and medical equipment (stethoscope, otoscope, OMM table, etc), and gas for 2 cars among other things. Yes, we now need 2 cars. The first 2 years of school, Thomas either walked or rode his bike to school, but now that he is doing rotations that are anywhere from 10-45 minutes away, he needs his own car so we aren't stuck at home all day.

I considered working, but after prayer and careful consideration, we felt it best that I stay at home with the kids. We also realized that for me to work, we'd have to pay for child care and we'd come out even in the end anyway. I am a very proud person, especially when it comes to money, so we went about 6 months on our own eating through our savings. At this point, I realized we had to get government assistance. I was so humiliated, I made Thomas do all the work and make all the appointments because I didn't want to show my face in one of those offices. It is NOT an easy process, by the way. Anyway, we now are all on medicaid and get an allotted amount of money each month to use on food. Interesting fact- Thomas doesn't qualify for the food stamps portion so we don't get money for him. I work really hard to budget out our grocery bill so that we don't have to be on WIC, too, but I know a lot of student families that also use that program.

Anyways, here is a glimpse into how things are for us::

At the Store

What you see: us buying cookies, chips, cake, or other junk food with food stamps
What you don't know: First of all, we are given a budget, it's not like we have an endless amount of money to spend on junk. Although, buying junk is way cheaper than buying healthy. Secondly, I use some of that junk as rewards for being good at the store, potty training and other milestones, celebrating a good test score, counteracting a rough day, because Lydia is tiny and needs all the calories she can get,  for birthdays, and sometimes just because we want it. But I budget it out. I also download TONS of digital coupons.

These moments of joy are brought to you by the generous taxpayers of America. But seriously... thanks.

What you see: Us buying steak or carne asada
What you don't know: We very VERY rarely get fancy meats and expensive foods. However, we don't really have the money to eat out so sometimes for date night or a special celebration, we will get something nice. Date night is almost always buying something we don't normally get at the store then going home and watching Netflix. We can't afford to go out all the time, so we make it work.

At the Doctor/Hospital

What you see: Thomas with his fancy pants iPad Pro
What you don't know: that was a gift from parents for Christmas to help him study more effectively. If he is on it, he is studying or looking up the medications the doctors are prescribing so he can learn and solidify the things he is learning. That iPad was actually a pretty big game changer for his studying habits.

What you see:Lydia on an iPad
What you don't know: That was mine before our "poor days". That's right. Government assistance is temporary. People on it can have nice things from before they were in this temporary need of assistance. Also, it's not that nice. It's pretty old. But it keeps her occupied while we are at the doctor or hospital

Studying together

At our house/in general

What you see: A couple of spoiled kids with lots of toys and books
What you don't know: Every single toy or book we have was either a gift from a family member, a hand me down, or from a thrift store. I thrift shop like crazy. All of Lydia's Christmas presents were from the thrift store except her Santa gift which we got on a Black Friday sale.

This cool play mat was only $2 at a thrift store!

These kids love the hand me down books from their cousins!

Our sweet thrift store Christmas tree. The lights slowly went out section by section... but Lydia still loved it! :)

What you see: Nicer clothes and shoes for our kids
What you don't know: Once again, thrift stores or hand me downs. I can't buy them new stuff. It literally makes me sick to spend 10 bucks on a new dress for Lydia when I know I can get one at a thrift store for around 3. So yes, when she is in need of church dresses or shoes, I am constantly checking out the thrift stores. She is currently in need of some black church shoes so if you see any.. ;)

Sometimes having hand me down clothes means wearing Christmas jammies in June because that's when they fit and they are adorable. 

So from an outsider's perspective, it may look like we are using and abusing the system. We can't possibly need money for food and health insurance when we have two cars, an iPad, and toys for our kids, right? Wrong! I take comfort in the fact that this is temporary. We will eventually be done with medical school and then we will be able to pay all this money that we are getting from the government and from you wonderful taxpayers, back.  So next time you are angry at the person in front of you at the checkout line who is using food stamps to buy a bunch of junk, think twice. You don't know the whole story. Of course there are people that abuse the system, but isn't it better to think the best of people?

 And here is the reason we are in this temporary need of assistance--this cute, hardworking guy is going to be an incredible doctor someday.

It has been a VERY long time since I've updated, so I'll just briefly write about our summer!

Thomas finished his first year of medical school and we had the whole summer off! Since this will be our only summer, we traveled pretty much the whole time.

Trip #1- Texas round 1

Lydia and Ellie with Grandmother

Grandma likes dressing up the girls

Lydia's first crawfish boil-- she was ready to eat the whole thing, but we didn't let her, don't worry. 

We got to go see Uncle Adam at work and Lydia got to sit in the Life Flight helicopter!

Lydia and Ellie at Maw Maw's

We went to the Kemah boardwalk!

Old Macdonald's farm!

Lydia and Ellie were playing upstairs together and it was really quiet. They usually fight so I got suspicious and went to go check on them. Ellie had gotten into my mascara and helped Lydia out with some makeup...

Trip #2- San Diego

We went to San Diego to surprise Thomas' dad for his birthday! Unfortunately, the car broke down just before El Centro, and we got stranded. We were stuck there for the day with no car so we walked around until we found out our car would not be fixed by the end of the day. We ended up having to ruin the surprise and have Thomas' parents come make the 3 hour drive to rescue us. They weren't going to be there before the car place closed, so we had to walk around with all of our stuff for a while. 

Lydia got a sucker, so she didn't care that we were stranded. 

We found the library and when we walked in Thomas said, "Hey, that's my mom's painting!" It was cool to see her artwork!

We loaded all of our stuff into a buggy and walked around homeless for a while. It was a very humbling adventure!

Lydia still talks about getting to see and hug Elmo! She loved Sea World! It was my first time too and it was really fun!

She loves Grandpa Tom

Trip #3-Utah

We went to Utah for a reunion with Thomas' brothers and sisters. It was a lot of fun and a very busy week going to the rodeo, waterpark, BYU, Alpine Slide, Humanitarian Center, Church History museum, and doing a service project! Lydia loved playing with her cousins!

Our very patriotic baby girl during the National Anthem at the Rodeo on July 4th!

Alpine Slide

Thomas's mom is VERY talented and was painting the cousins' faces. She was going to do it on Lydia's hand because she is so little she didn't think she'd want it on her face, but Lydia insisted it be on her cheek like her cousins. 

We played minute to win it games and Lydia got a head full of cheese balls. She's loved them ever since. 

She hangs on EVERYTHING!

Trip #4-Texas round 2

We headed back to Texas for a reunion with my siblings at the beach house! It was a lot of fun! Lydia had crazy nasty hair the whole time, but she had a blast playing with cousins and playing on the beach!She also really liked manipulating Aunt Jill into taking her crab hunting all the time.

Before the beach house, we went to a really cool Gator park that also had some tortoises we could feed! I thought Lydia might be a little apprehensive, but she went right up to the tortoise and started feeding it. She loves feeding animals.. and humans. 

Moriah was so nice and shared her games with Lydia!

When we got bored at the beach house, we played games. The Korean games are always so violent!

She was NOT afraid of the water, unfortunately.

Thomas digs holes. Every.Single. Beach trip.

We got to go crabbing on the pier near the beach house!

She thinks she is playing Mario Kart. 

Here are a few quotes/stories from Lydia that I wrote down from May-July:
- Lydia likes shots and gets VERY mad when I have my blood drawn and she doesn't get a shot too. The nurse will usually give her some of that wrap to make her feel like she got a shot, too.
- It started raining outside and Lydia ran over to me (laying lazily on the couch) and said "stop it! come here! wake up!" and moved my legs off the couch so I'd get up and come see the rain with her.
- Lydia sings all the time. She makes up songs while she plays and they are hilariously cute.
-When she first learned the alphabet, she would sing " Now I ABCDEFG next time won't you sing with me" instead of now I know my ABC's. She has since corrected that :(
-When we first got back to Arizona after being all over the place for the summer, we went to Cabela's to look at the dead stuffed animals. When we got out of the store and were walking back to the car she said, "It's hot! It's hot! It's hot! I'm melting!!!!"
- I was trying to get her to watch Harry Potter with me, but she didn't make it very far. When she saw Dumbledore she said, "It's Christmas!" and then when Hagrid says "You're a wizard, Harry" Lydia yelled," You're a lizard! Ahhh!!!"
-Lydia climbed up on Thomas and put her head right next to his face and he said "Oh hi there" and she said "Daddy, say mmwah!" She just needed a kiss from her daddy!
-I asked Lydia if she was excited to go to nursery with her friends and she said " Ya! With my friends mommy and daddy!" --we may need to work on social skills...

Arizona!!!!

In between the trip to San Diego and the trip to Utah (which was about a week), we moved into a house! We decided to rent a house because the apartment was on the second floor and I was worried Lydia was getting to loud with all her jumping around. Plus, I was kinda sick of lugging a kid and groceries up the stairs. We have loved having the house! Lydia has her own playroom, I don't have to worry about her being noisy, we have a backyard (made of rocks), and it has been really nice to just have our own space. We had a while before school started back up so Thomas got to play with us around town which he never gets to do!

We went to the wildlife park and fed the Lori birds!

Lydia has mastered the pout

The Halle Heart museum was fun! Lydia liked dressing up like a scientist and it made her daddy very proud!

Lydia loves helping out around the house. She sorts silverware for me, sweeps, wipes surfaces, cooks, helps with the laundry, etc. 

We went to the zoo on world elephant day (who knew such a thing existed!) and got to see the firemen give the elephants a bath. Lydia still talks about it and expects it every time we go to the zoo. 

She is starting to climb on everything and try some acrobatic skillz.

Lydia loves painting! These are supposed to be ghosts. 

Thomas and I got to go to the BYU game that was here in Arizona! It was really fun!

Lydia picked this dress that was SOOO sparkly to wear to church. She looked like she was ready for a quincenera. The pictures do not do justice to the sparkles. We took a lint roller to church and ended up changing her about 10 minutes into Sacrament meeting. 

Lydia insists on helping with everything. She loves cooking! When I go into the kitchen, she runs in to make sure I don't try to cook anything without her. 

Just laying down in the disgusting, poopy petting zoo. 

Lydia has become VERY dramatic. She got a paper cut in the morning and didn't use that finger the rest of the day and kept crying about it. 

We went to the state fair!

She hangs on everything.

We went to the railroad park! It was actually way cooler than I expected.

Lydia loves book time at night. When Thomas told her to get some books to read while he did something else for a little bit, he came back to this pile of books waiting for him. She always asks for one more book. 

Thomas practices OMM on me a lot and Lydia has picked up on it too!

hugging the germ infested goat

Petting the cute kangaroo at the fair!

Lydia is getting better and better at building block towers, but she doesn't seem to understand that you can't build the tower infinitely high so she cries every time it falls. 

I have been really nauseous with this pregnancy. Thomas had a gas mask and told me to try that so I could actually get some dishes done!

Things now

             We had quite the summer and we are well into the second year of medical school now. We are expecting a baby boy in February! We are very excited. Lydia is excited and confused. She told me she has a baby AND a puppy in her tummy. She always has to one up me! The pregnancy is going well. I am being closely monitored for any signs of pre-eclampsia. We are hoping to keep this one in until his due date, but whatever happens we have faith that it will be alright. 

             My social anxiety/depression has been on my mind a lot lately. Lydia is loving playing with friends. She always says "I want friends." I feel a little bad that she is stuck with such a socially awkward mom who doesn't arrange enough play dates for her. She is so friendly and loving and I feel like I hold her back a lot because of my insecurities. It is definitely something I need to work on. I want friends too, but it doesn't come very easy to me! Anytime we do something with other people, I spend the rest of the day analyzing what I said/didn't say and did wrong and beat myself up about it and wish I hadn't even gone and I just feel so stupid!!!   But she cries every time we leave nursery or playgroup because she wants to play with friends more. For her sake, I'm going to have to do some research into overcoming this weakness of mine! Having an outgoing child is such a challenge!!!

            Lydia is learning more and more every day. She can recognize most of her letters and knows all the letter sounds, she can count to 13 consistently and 20 on a good day, she likes cutting and gluing, she can trace straight and zig zag lines, and she is getting better at sitting and coloring for more than 2 minutes. She loves singing songs and always reminds us to pray before meals. She is getting smarter and it is getting scarier and scarier how manipulative a little 2 year old can be. She loves trying to take Thomas' backpack and shoes off of him when it is time for him to leave for school, saying she just needs one more hug and kiss, and when all else fails flailing on the ground so he won't leave her. She will also be super sweet and nice telling you that you are her best friend, giving you kisses, telling you that you're pretty, etc. if she wants a treat. We sure do love her and all her strong willed feistiness!