Itty Bitty Pretty Liddy

Lydia is turning 6 in 2 days! Around her birthday, I always take the time to look back at our NICU journal and our blog from that time to see how far she has come. I don't ever want to forget the roller coaster, the tender mercies, and the testimony building experiences we had. This year I'm feeling particularly sentimental about it for some reason.. let's blame the pregnancy hormones. Anyway, I felt like a post recapping Lydia was in need so here goes.

We have a bin of Lydia's memories and these are a couple of the things in there. Above is a scrub brush. Every time we went to see her, we had to scrub in for 5 minutes with one of these and use the nail thingy too. Below are a couple of her first diapers. It's hard to believe she ever fit in something so tiny!

It was today, May 7th. 6 years ago. One of the scariest days of my life. Thomas and I had graduated from BYU and we were planning to move to Texas soon. We had an OB appointment set up there and everything. My blood pressure had started creeping up, so I was put on blood pressure medication and we were monitoring it. After a long day of teaching, I headed to my OB appointment with Thomas. I sat down to get my blood pressure taken and took some deep breaths in an effort to keep it low. The nurse looked at the numbers and just shook her head.

My blood pressure was 164/103. It wasn't going down even with the medication. I thought to myself, I guess we'll have to increase the meds. No big deal. It then took my OB 20 minutes to come into the room. I sat there with my 'no big deal' theory slowly fading away. She was usually quick to come in after I had my vitals done. What had gone wrong?

Finally, she walked in the room. She said, "Your blood pressure is high and the protein in your urine is increasing. You have preeclampsia. Go home and pack your bag and go straight to the hospital. I just called them so they know you are coming and I will meet you there. You will most likely deliver in the next 48 hours."

The next few minutes are a blur as I walked out of the office in a fog. I got in the car and Thomas suggested calling my family to let them know. I started calling. No one was answering. I have a big family and tried pretty much everyone. I called my mom I don't know how many times. I tried my dad, my brothers, my sisters... why was no one answering? I was starting to freak out but kept my cool while we packed our bag and got back in the car. My mind was racing. We didn't have a name. We hadn't bought a crib. She was supposed to be born in Texas. We weren't ready. I wasn't ready. She was too little. I can't deliver yet! I had decided where we would bury her because I was sure she wasn't going to make it. I started to break down. When we drove up next the hospital, they had one of those digital signs that has lots of different messages on it. However, when we drove up, the sign 'just happened' to proclaim proudly "Level III NICU: down to 24 weeks gestation" This sign brought me peace and I was able to calm down and start having a little more faith in the situation.

I had a steroid shot as soon as I checked into the hospital to help with Lydia's lungs. The 8th was uneventful besides playing around with baby names since we hadn't decided on that yet. But on the 9th , they did an ultrasound where they saw that Lydia wasn't growing very well because of the preeclampsia. A decision was made that she needed to be delivered that day. The Neonatologist came in to talk to us about the risks and what challenges we may have. Thomas actually recorded this conversation. The doctor told us her survival rate which was actually pretty good and then he went on to tell us of things that may result- her lungs were little and she'd have trouble breathing, her brain could have swelling or minor bleeds and her heart may as well, she may have special needs anywhere from mild to severe, she may have learning disabilities, and to expect her to have delays on her milestones.

We were told we would be given an hour's notice before they took me back for the c-section, but soon after they came in saying that my platelet count had dropped and we were doing the c-section now. When they pulled the little thing out I heard the faintest little whimper. SO quiet. They rushed her to me so I could touch her cheek then quickly rushed her to a corner where they had lots of people ready to assess and work on her. I told Thomas to go over there and be with her while they closed me up.

She was alive. She had whimpered. She was a whopping 2 lbs 6 oz. Thomas followed her incubator to the NICU and I was wheeled back to my room. I felt so scared and alone when I saw my sister's face and was overwhelmed with gratitude. She had made the long drive out just to be with me. I don't think Jill will ever realize how much I needed her in that moment. She said she had gotten there and seen Thomas and Lydia in the incubator being wheeled into the NICU and then she sat with me and helped distract me. Thomas texted me updates and pictures. They told me I couldn't go see her until I could stand up so as soon as I could tell my toes to wiggle, and they did it, I stood up and said I wanted to see her.

                                  
                                         

We had no idea what a roller coaster the next 11 weeks would be. How different it would be than we expected with our first. How certain milestones would mean the world to us when otherwise we wouldn't have even recognized it as a milestone. I journaled in the NICU journal given to us so that I would never forget. There are sacred experiences written in this journal and countless tender mercies recorded. But there is also the raw emotion of being in the NICU for 77 days. The uncertainty,  the fear, the lack of hope, and the jealousy when I saw healthy babies. Here are a few of the things we wrote about:

May 10th-- I got to hold Lydia for 30 minutes! (I didn't get to hold her again until May 18th because she was put back on the ventilator and her breathing was weak)

May 18th- Thomas got to hold her for the first time!
                                   
                           

She pulls all her wires off, pulls out her feeding tube, and pulled off her CPAP even when the nurses said she shouldn't be able to because she was too little to pull that velcro off.. she proved them wrong and earned nicknames like "Houdini toes" as she'd get the wires stuck in between her toes then pull them so they'd come off. She was pushing her feeding tube out of her mouth with her tongue so they put it through her nose and she pulled it all the way out. Multiple times.
                               

May 19th- I changed her diaper for the first time and we got the news that we can now hold her every other day for 30 minutes.

June 3rd- I wrote about how hard it is to see other babies come and go and about having nightmares every night about getting bad news about her. I wrote about feeling like I am abandoning her every time we leave the NICU. I wrote about seeing a family take pictures of them holding their baby while their baby was on a ventilator.. which isn't allowed so I knew something was off. The next day, that bed space was empty. It was scary and sad to have a baby lose their life so close to our little one.
                                                 
                                        
June 4th- She wore clothes for the first time! I never would have thought putting clothes on a baby was such a big deal, but it was a huge milestone!
                                            
June 8th- Thomas made friends with another dad while we were scrubbing in and the next day their baby was taken off the ventilator and passed away. The heartache in the NICU is real.

Also June 8th- Lydia somehow caught a cold. She was put in isolation and her O2 sats were dropping. I tried to hold her but she kept dipping too low and I had to put her back. We had to gown, mask, and glove to see her.

Thomas makes the comment that having a baby in the NICU is like getting a Christmas present and not having the batteries for it. It is getting harder to leave her.

July 4th- I wrote, "The alarm that goes off when a brady cardia happens is my least favorite sound. The other night it went off 8 times."

July 20th- I wrote, "When the NP told me it would be 2-3 more weeks, I had to leave the hospital. Thomas was still out of town and I couldn't handle the news on my own. We have done our time. I just want my baby at home with me and Thomas. "

Also July 20th- feeding tube out!!

There were so many ups and downs. I remember going to the hospital anxious to hold Lydia and getting to her bedside only to see the respiratory therapists surrounding her while her oxygen alarms were going off. I wasn't allowed to hold her. I remember Lydia getting really upset and a nurse saying "oh let me take her and calm her down" and then ripping her from my arms, patting Lydia's back, and putting her back in her crib. Why couldn't I calm my own baby down? Why couldn't I hold MY baby?

July 25th, 77 days later, we were finally able to take her home on oxygen.  She has been a blessing in our lives ever since. She doesn't have the complications they warned us about. She had a small bleed in her brain that corrected itself. She met almost all her milestones according to her real age, not her adjusted age. She has no learning disabilities. She is brilliant, curious,  and above grade level for reading. She came into this world a fighter and has kept that spunky, feisty personality. We love her so much and we are so grateful she is in our forever family.

It's OK That This is Hard

Be grateful for the time with your family. Stay home and be grateful for your health. Be grateful your spouse has a job. Focus on the good. These are all things we are being told. But, I just want to interject and say- THIS IS HARD. It is hard to be cooped up with your family. It's hard to social distance. It's hard to have a working spouse during the pandemic. And it's ok. It's ok to not be happy all the time. It's ok to not be ok. 

I've debated whether or not to write this. Will people think I'm just complaining and ungrateful? But ultimately I decided that it is important to be real. To let any that may be struggling know that it's ok--I think most of us are to some degree.  

There are times it is really nice having the kids home. Since I've been homeschooling Lydia, Evan has also learned a lot and his attention span when I read to him has increased dramatically. Since they only have each other, they have relearned how to play together and they are getting along better than when Lydia was in school. HOWEVER, it isn't always nice. Sometimes they are sick of each other and just fight and yell. Sometimes they have a lot of time out time. Sometimes I threaten Lydia that I am going to tell her teacher the way she is acting. Sometimes my patience wears thin. And most of the time, our house looks like a tornado came through. 

Ninja Evan is a scary sight. This usually lead to fighting

This moment of getting along only lasted 5 minutes because Evan wanted to be Elsa and Lydia wasn't about to give that up. 

I have to pray every morning to remember why I had kids and for help to see them through God's eyes instead of seeing them as a burden. I have to make a conscious effort to say "yes" more when they ask me to play a game for the 20th time that day and to give them my undivided attention and be present with them when the "natural man" inside me wants so badly to escape by mindlessly scrolling through facebook or watching videos I don't even really care about. Of course I love them, but that doesn't mean spending 24/7 with them with no break is my favorite...I can't even shower without one of them coming in and "needing" something. I used to do my personal scripture study while waiting in the parent pick-up line after school and now I don't have that anymore. I had to learn that I can't wait for a quiet time to study, because that's just not gonna happen. I've had to adjust when I exercise , write in my journal,etc. For instance, this post has taken days because every time I've started to write, the kids start fighting and I have to abandon this and go make sure they both stay alive and unharmed. 

When I'm about to lose it, we add water, snacks, or sunshine. That means I either put them in the bath, fill up the baby pool, or they play in the sprinkler or rain; I have them help me make a treat like muddy buddies or fruit loop necklaces; or we play outside. Sometimes it's a combination. But this is the best way I've found to distract us and get us out of a funk. 

I don't like the term social distancing. It makes me nervous. We shouldn't be socially distancing. We definitely need to be PHYSICALLY distancing, but that doesn't mean we can't socially connect with others through social media, phone calls, etc. I have felt more alone during this "social distancing" than I have in a long time. 

Before all this, when I would interact with other adults I would always feel so awkward then come home and re-play the conversation over and over in my head mulling over the dumb things I said or didn't say. And even as awkward as I am, I still miss being around other people. The few hours I get to have an adult conversation when Thomas gets home is the highlight of my day. Yes, I am so grateful that Thomas is able to work. But at the same time... don't think I haven't fantasized about one of us getting COVID(a mild case, of course) and Thomas getting..I mean having.. to stay home with us and quarantine. I wish he could be home with us. I'm so glad he can go help his patients, but I also worry about what he might be bringing home to us and we all miss him. 

We got to FaceTime Daddy for a few minutes while he's working at the hospital so that the kids could tell them about what the Easter bunny brought them. 

Lydia is struggling. She is a social butterfly with anxiety and it has been hard for her to have all this change and no friends. She's sad she doesn't get to go on a field trip, she's missed birthday parties, she's worried she won't be able to have a birthday party herself, she misses her rockstar Kindergarten teacher, she missed out on the Rodeo we had tickets to, she misses her cousins and grandparents, she misses the park, she didn't get to see the Easter bunny this year, she's missing the annual daddy daughter date to pick out an Easter dress, and she's sad we aren't doing an Easter egg hunt at Grandma's house this year. She is missing out on a lot of stuff. We all are. It's ok to be sad about that. It's ok to mourn the things we have lost. If we were supposed to be happy all the time, the Lord wouldn't have commanded us to "mourn with those that mourn." 

One of Lydia's coping skills is to read while being surrounded by snuggly things

I think it's unhealthy to expect us to be totally happy about the situation we are in. Pushing down the sadness and the fact that this is hard isn't going to help anyone. I want my kids to tell me when they are sad so we can work through it and talk about it. When they are honest about their feelings, we are able to build coping skills.

 Just because you are an adult, doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. It's ok to be sad that you're stuck in the house and missing out on things. It's ok that you're exhausted. I have to echo the wise and so eloquently said quote by Elder Holland, "You are doing better than you think you are."

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for many things during this time. But I can be grateful AND have a hard time. I struggle most days with severe depression. I'm not going to go into that now, but I will say that something that always makes me feel so much worse is when people respond to my depression by saying things like "if you count your blessings, you'll feel better." First of all, it makes me feel like people want me to just shove down my negative feelings and only focus on the good. Trust me. I know I am blessed and I know I have an infinite number of things to be grateful for. Yet, here I am, still struggling with depression. It makes me feel incredibly guilty that even though I am so blessed, that I still feel depressed. 

One of my greatest blessings is my family. I love my crazy kids and my husband is my best friend. Can't get much better than that. 

I know there is power in seeing the good, but that doesn't mean you have to dismiss the bad. The Lord gives us trials so that we can see His hand in our lives. He allows us to suffer so we can be served and so we can serve others. He allows us to be sad so that we can have empathy for others. So during this time, I want you to know that it's ok to not be ok. Most days, I am barely scraping by. If you need to talk and need someone to let you vent and let out all the negative, I am here for you and willing to listen. Just like in high school musical, "We're all in this together" even if we can't physically be together. 

At home, at school, at play... and at work.

      It's been a while since I gave an update on the fam. Basically, I've been at home, Lydia has been at school, Evan has been at play, and Thomas has been at work. I will go in order from youngest to oldest. 

Evan- at play

Evan is as goofy as ever. He misses Lydia while she's at school, but I think he also kinda likes having some time to himself where he isn't bossed around and can choose how he wants to play. It was hard at first and he kinda just looked at me and waited for me to tell him what to do, but now he's a pro at entertaining himself for the most part. 

 He is way in to super heroes, firemen, cars and trucks, "injun" turtles, and transformers. It's funny because he's never seen a super hero movie, ninja turtles, or transformers. But he loves them all! 

His current favorite thing is to have dance parties. He loves turning up the music and letting loose and it is SO cute!

Evan's hips were popping a lot and he complained every now and then about them hurting. We took him to the dr but the only available doctor at the clinic was Thomas. It was so fun to have Thomas as his doctor! He ordered x-rays but we didn't end up doing them. Evan's hips still pop but he hasn't been complaining of pain. 

Evan has been on a lettuce kick. He likes plain lettuce or a lettuce sandwich with just lettuce and bread...weird. 

Fireman Evan

When I first got out umbrellas, the kids looked at me like I was crazy. They lived in AZ for a long time.... Evan is loving how much rain we get but sometimes gets scared of the thunder so we like to turn up "Thunder" by Imagine Dragons when it rains. If I turn it on and it's not raining, he gets pretty mad at me. I guess it's a rain only song. 

 

At the clinic, there is a cute little outdoor classroom area with logs to use as block and other things like jumping log to log and stuff. 

Lydia- at school

Lydia started Kindergarten and is loving every second of it. She has an incredible teacher that she adores. Liddy hates weekends because she just wants to be at school. Her teacher has taught her so many cute little songs and rhymes to remember money, sight words, and days of the week/months of the year. 

I am in love with her school. I love that every morning when I drop her off, the teacher that opens the door to help her get out of the car greets her by name. I love that parent pick up is so well thought out and the teachers are talking to Lydia while she waits for me and I always lip read them asking her if I am her mom before I open the door to let her in which makes my anxious, paranoid momma heart happy. 

She is excelling in school and reading really well. We got lucky with her. She was born so incredibly early and was so so tiny. Before she was born, the neonatologist came and talked to us and told us about what to expect down the road because of her prematurity--developmental delays, ADHD, learning disabilities, hearing and vision problems, etc. I feel like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop because she has been totally fine so far. She hasn't had any problems since getting off oxygen and has either been right at her milestones or ahead. 

 She ended up getting an award for being respectful and it was one of her proudest moments. She still likes wearing that medal around and showing it off. Funny story. She has a friend named Avery in her class and one day she came home and said "You know what's so cool about Avery? She is reading at a level D and that's what they want us to be reading at the END of kindergarten! Isn't that cool!" I told her that I thought that was super cool and that I loved that she was so excited for her friend. Then I asked her what reading level she was reading and she said "Oh. I'm at level J. But I'll get there." Haha. She doesn't even realize how far ahead she is. Her teacher said while she was testing for reading level she got to the end of 1st grade and could have gone further but ran out of time because she needed to test the other kids. I love her hunger for books and reading. 

She has also been into writing lately. We got her a journal and it's so fun to see what kinds of things she thinks are important to write about. One morning she wrote about eating oatmeal and that it was so yummy. I've tried to work with her on putting spaces between words but she isn't listening to me, so I'll just have her hero, Mrs. Gaskins do it. New life hack: When Lydia won't listen to me I just say, "Pretend I'm Mrs. Gaskins and I am asking you to do this." She'll say " Yes ma'am" then get right to it. Not sure how long it'll last, but I'm loving it for now!

Lydia is a sweetheart. She is exhausted from school and sometimes acts out because of that, but when it comes down to it she still has a heart of gold. 

Waiting for the school bus for Miss Liddy. She started on the bus until we realized how long we'd have to wait every day and how late she'd be. By my picking her up, she gets home about an hour earlier. 

I have a love/hate relationship with this picture. She is so cute but looks way too grown up. 

Writing in her journal

The only thing that's a little annoying about the school is when they send them home with stickers that get them excited for after school activities we can't do. This is when she found out she wasn't going to get to go to the school and have pizza with Thomas that night because Thomas was working late. She was pretty disappointed. 

Our new hero!!!! Mrs. Gaskins

Lydia loves reading chapter books now...in one sitting. 

Lydia and her pride award for respect!

First day of school... ya the pics are not in order. You'll live. :)

Lydia's art skills have surpassed mine. This is narwhal and jelly from one of her favorite books.

Thomas-at work

Thomas has been busy, busy, busy. He is such a hard worker and it's a good thing because that's pretty much all he's been able to do. He is doing a medicine rotation now and it's one of the toughest. The hours are long and the work isn't easy. It's weird that we celebrate when he only has a 12 hour shift. He's had to work weekends too which has been tough on the kids. But he is such a great dad that when he is home, he makes sure to let them know he loves them and spends time with them. The kids adore their daddy and get so excited when they find out he'll be home for the weekend or even when he will be home before they go to bed! We are all so proud of how hard he is working and the incredible work he is doing to improve the health and quality of life for his patients. 

We found this cook creek behind our neighborhood and took a few walks back there. Back when we were innocent... Now we know there are venomous snakes and coyotes back there. Someone said there was a bobcat back there but I'm still not totally convinced. 

Bre-at home

It's been fun to watch Evan's personality grow and see how popular Lydia is at school. I went to eat lunch with her and she was surrounded by friends who couldn't wait to talk to me. Every morning when I drop her off, she knows someone else walking in and starts talking and laughing with them. One day when I was picking her up a little boy came up and gave her a big hug so when she got in the car I asked who it was. She said "I don't know. He's in kindergarten too. There are just lots of kids that like me and are my friend." 

There really isn't anything super interesting to say about my life right now. haha. Pretty much I drop off Lydia, play with Evan,  pick up Lydia from school, put them to bed, rinse and repeat. 

Since I hate pictures of myself, I don't have any so... here are some cute pics of the kids!

Sundays by myself while Thomas is working isn't my favorite, but these kids have been pretty good during Sacrament meeting which is a miracle. I can't deny that someone on the other side of the veil is helping with these crazies on those Sundays. 

Some nights I feel like it's a run out the clock situation when Thomas is working late. On this day, we went to library, went for a walk, and took a picnic to the park for dinner to make that clock go a little faster. Lydia said, "Mom this was like the funnest day ever. " 

:) 

Emily Baker drew these incredible pictures of the kids. She is such a talented artist and I am constantly in awe of all that she does, not just her art. People are always asking who drew them because they are hanging on our wall. She is amazing and we definitely think she should move to Texas! ;)

We painted wooden spoons to get our Halloween on

This was another run out the clock day. We went to Target and played with the toys, looked at the Halloween decorations, and read books. I love seeing my kids love books because they are pretty much my favorite.