That's just sick!

I have gastroparesis. This means that my stomach empties slower than the average human. Because of this, the food I eat is unable to be digested and consequently comes right back up. For 8 years I have been sick on and off with the “on’s” lasting anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 months. My schooling suffered as I had to drop several classes and had to drop out of 2 semesters entirely because I became too weak to attend classes. During a two week period, I tallied the number of times I threw up each day as assigned by my doctor and it amounted to 18-26 times a day. I was very weak both physically and emotionally. I have had many break downs and times of depression when I just wanted it to all be over. I wanted to be healthy again and it felt like the only way that could be possible was to die. I struggled for years with doctors, friends, family, church leaders, and what felt like everyone in the world doubting me and feeling as though this was a hoax so that I could receive attention. Doctors ran test after test to no avail. Each time before a test I would hope and pray that this was the answer--that I would finally have a diagnosis and be able to move on with my life. I came to a point where I wished for any disease. I didn’t care if it was cancer. I wanted an answer. 

Fast forward through those terrible 8 years and I married my best friend, my number one supporter-Thomas. Someone that believed me and didn’t think I was a crazed maniac looking for attention by making myself throw up. Don’t worry, that’s not the only reason I married him! ;) He believed me and so did his family. We went on a celebratory hike up Rock Canyon on our two week wedding anniversary. On the way down I started throwing up. My heart sunk and I knew this one was going to be bad. I knew. I just knew this one would break me. I worried he would change his mind and back out of this marriage. I was wrong, thank goodness. He took care of me even though I didn’t let him do much at first due to my stubborn nature. It got to the point where once again, my school work suffered. I was to graduate in December, but I had to drop out. Unfortunately, the classes I need are only offered in the summer. My final semesters and I get sick AGAIN and have to give up my life-long dream for another year A few weeks into the sickness, we went to visit some of his family in St. George. While there I was thoroughly embarrassed as I had to slip away to the bathroom frequently to throw up. Over the years, I became a pro at putting on a brave face and pretending all was well but this time it got too hard to put up the façade.  The last night there it got so bad that I was in tears and would not face my new family in such a humiliating state. I stayed in the room and just laid in agonizing pain and humiliation while he sat right next to me and wiped away my tears.

The next morning his brother-in-law, Tyson mentioned he knew a girl that had similar symptoms and was diagnosed with gastroparesis. She got something called a gastric pacemaker and it helped her a lot. Through all the testing and the many diagnoses that never really stuck, I remember a doctor mentioning I may have a case of gastroparesis. They tried the medication to treat it and it didn’t help so the diagnosis was thrown out and diagnosis of faking for attention came back. The entire four hour trip back to Provo all I could think about was that pacemaker and how badly I wanted it. Thomas and I did research on gastroparesis and the pacemaker when we got back. As Thomas says, if you google anything related to the gastric pacemaker on his computer, all the links will show up red, indicating we have already looked at that link. After many many doctor trips, a third endoscopy, a gastric emptying test, and a lot of phone calls, we found a doctor in Salt Lake that had worked with pacemakers who referred us to a doctor in Vegas who could actually perform the surgery. Blessings! Finally it felt like we had an answer. Don’t get me wrong, I had a LOT of doubt. If it weren’t for Thomas, I would have given up.

As we continued to attend the temple regularly, pray consistently, and read our scriptures daily, everything began to line up. The doctor was able to get us in early, she agreed I needed the pacemaker, SHE BELIEVED ME!, the insurance approved the procedure, and we got in for the procedure with perfect timing. I have really struggled with the concept of hope. It seemed to me that if I thought the worse would happen, I wouldn’t be so disappointed when things didn’t work out. That’s how I went about life- thinking the worst would happen. Thomas brought a whole new light to hope for me. He taught me that it feels better to hope and that you have hope that things will work out in the end even if its not the way you envision it. I had days when I was sure everything would work out and I had nights where I would break down and wish I could just die because no one would ever know what was wrong with me or how to help me, the insurance would never approve the procedure, it was too expensive, I was too expensive and he needed to find a better wife, and on and on. Some nights got so bad that I became suicidal and Thomas had to hold me to keep me from hurting myself. (I guess the people who said I was crazy weren’t too far off! J) It was a nightmare made reality. 

Luckily my days of hopefulness began to outnumber my days of dark, depressing thoughts. The insurance was supposed to take around 2 weeks to approve the procedure. It had been two weeks and no phone call back. I prayed all day and all night. I had dreams of Thomas’ phone ringing and it being the doctor saying to come in the next day. Then I started worrying about what we would do if we couldn’t get the procedure until September, which would mean Thomas was in school. We couldn’t do the procedure in August because my brother is getting married the first week and we have our open house the third week. No time to recover. I started thinking of how I could make the trek to Vegas on my own for the surgery while Thomas was in school. Letting him miss was not an option. I had hurt him in too many ways, held him back while he took care of his sick wife. I wouldn't let him miss school. I decided I would drive myself and sleep in my car until the pain killers wore off after the surgery to where I was alert and attentive enough to drive back home. Thomas hated the plan, but I thought it was the only way. I couldn’t stay in a hotel, it was way too expensive! And I have no family here and my friends would all be tied up in school just like Thomas. Well, Thomas decided to call the doctor’s office and find out if they had heard from the insurance. This was Thursday.

They hadn’t heard anything, but they would call the next day. Oh and by the way, someone was scheduled for the same surgery on Monday, but "just happened" to cancel last minute. Friday came after a sleepless night of anxious waiting. The phone FINALLY rang and my heart pounded as I awaited the news. I looked to Thomas’ face for any sign of what kind of news this would be. SUCCESS! The insurance approved the procedure and I was scheduled to have the surgery on Monday! Talk about a miracle! 

I have to admit, even in the last hours before the procedure I had moments of doubt. We arrived to the hospital at 9am and by 2pm we were still waiting to have the procedure. I laid there in that ridiculously revealing hospital gown telling myself they had forgotten about me, that Dr. Barber had fallen asleep after another surgery and would have to postpone this on account of being too tired to operate, that the insurance backed out, and millions of other thoughts of why things didn’t work out. But they did. The Lord always comes through and I know He was watching out for me and he still is. I will be forever grateful to Him and to Thomas and both his and my family. Laura and Tyson were a big help in finding doctors and having a place to stay so we didn't have to drive the whole 6 hours to Vegas in one shot. Thomas is my hero. He is the reason I am alive today. He helped me through my hardest times and has stayed by my side through everything. We have only been married 3 months, but he is my entire life and I am so blessed to know him, let alone spend eternity with him. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. I am so lucky to have him and I will do everything in my power to keep him and keep him happy!

Since the surgery one week ago, I have only thrown up twice. As I walk around our apartment, physical evidence remains of the days and nights of endless puking agonizing pain and doubt that things would ever change. The ring of mold around the toilet from throw up that had splashed, the misplaced chair near the bathroom because I sometimes became too weak to stand after another episode of  throwing up, the juice boxes in the freezer and fridge because drinking water brought on more violent puking than any liquid or solid combined, the air mattress in the living room because I was in so much pain that I couldn’t sleep unless I was distracted by a movie, the medical bills scattered on the kitchen counter, the piles of clothes because I was too weak to do laundry, the bare apartment walls because I had no energy to decorate our new apartment. Gradually these things will fade. I will re-gain my strength and clean the bathroom, do the laundry, pay the bills,and decorate the house. But the memories. The memories. Those will never fade.