One night as I lay awake, it really hit my that my nephew is 12 years old. He now has the priesthood. What a huge responsibility for a 12 year old! I thought back to the day he was born. I remember it so well. I was only 13 at the time, and could not imagine loving someone more than I loved this little boy. I was obsessed. I continued to be obsessed with my nephews and nieces. I was so good at playing with them on their level because I really wasn't that much older than them. I remember trying to come up with fun things to do before they came over so that I would be prepared. I am still obsessed with my nieces and nephews and pray for their happiness and success every night. As I was thinking about this, I realized how much I love my daughter. Words cannot do justice to the feelings I have towards her. She is such an angel. I am obssessed with her, but am I really doing enough for her? I don't prepare for the next day and think about what fun things I could do with her like I did my nieces and nephews. I don't play with her on her level as much as I did with my nieces and nephews. This is my daughter! I need to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and just play and have fun. It takes sooo much energy, but I already feel like I am missing out on valuable teaching moments.
I get really ambitious at night. I don't know what it is about that time of day, but I always think of really cool things I want to learn or do, but when I wake up the next morning, reality hits. Some of the things I have been ambitious about are pretty funny. One night, while listening to classical music, I decided I should learn to play the violin. Another night I decided I wanted to join a community choir because I really miss being in choir. I have also considered inviting a bunch of kids over for a circle time where we can sing songs and read books together. My mother-in-law once told me I should write a book about my experience as a teacher of students with special needs,particularly behavior disorders. One night I thought, "why not!?" and started writing down what chapters I could do and which experiences I would want to include. Crazy, right? I really don't know why I get so ambitious at night. It makes me feel so lame the next morning when I realize I will probably never do the things my brain thought it could do the night before. I often wonder if I was more daring and outgoing if I would actually do some of these things.
Throughout my school years, I was exteremely shy. I didn't talk at school and when I did, my heart pounded, my whole body sweat (gross, I know), and it didn't feel like I was the one speaking. It felt like an out of body experience each time my lips parted. It was terrifying. I avoided social situations at all costs. I am still trying to overcome this extreme shyness. This week I wrote a text to someone 4 times inviting them and their kid to come over and play and then deleted it each time before sending it. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know it's something I really need to work on for Lydia's sake. I don't want her growing up with a fraidy cat mom with no friends. It's hard though. Every word that comes out of my mouth just sounds stupid. Then after I talk to anyone(Thomas excluded), I replay everything I said in my head and what I should have said different and how I shouldn't have talked so much, etc. Then I am nervous to see that person and at times go as far as to avoid them. It's a nightmare. We all have our weaknesses though!
Thomas is gone a lot. He studies A LOT. It is really paying off and I am so proud of him. One day that was particularly rough, I thought to myself "being a single mom stinks!" Immediately after I had to stop myself and got a little angry with myself for ever comparing myself to a single parent. I am not even close. I am not solely responsible for the well-being of my family. I do not have to pay all the bills, work all day, and then still come home to my kids. I don't have to put my kids sleep and then go to an empty bed. I still have my husband. I have my biggest support. He is always there. I have him by my side every night. I have someone I can share my frustrations with. I have someone I can bounce ideas off of and someone who understands me. I have a husband who takes time to listen to all of my concerns and offer advice and comfort. I am not a single parent. It may be difficult to be alone during the day at times, but it could be much harder. I am so grateful for my husband!
Lydia update--the part you really care about
Lydia is amazing. She is walking all over the place. She says over 30 words now! I had to wake her up this morning from a nap so we could get in the car and go to church and when I got her up she kept saying "oh no! oh no! oh no!" She was not very happy about having to get up. She loves playing with other kids and is very friendly. We went to a scenic view where you could walk down a path. We took lunch up there and sat on a bench to eat. While we were sitting there, Lydia was walking around, waving to everyone, and saying "hi!". If anyone said hi back to her, she would start to follow behind them. It is a little concerning that she will just go with anyone, but it was pretty cute.
She laughs at basically everything and loves reading books. Lydia is hilarious and cracks us up. Liddy is also the sweetest little girl. There was one day when everything just hit me all at once and I started crying. She stopped playing with her toys and came over, climbed up onto my lap, and gave me a big kiss then just sat there. It was precious. She does the most ridiculous things and has such a personality. I was telling Thomas the other day that when I think back to when she was born, she has grown so much physically and she is hitting so many more milestones that it seems like she is a different person, but her huge personality is the same as it has always been from day 1. She has always been a happy, feisty little girl. We have been so blessed by her presence in our family.
She loves her block box!
When daddy forgets to say bye...
Thomas did all these with his feet. The rest of the day, she was trying to do it with her feet too.
Liddy's first ponytail!
I think she has seen me do this once. She just got in the shower, grapped the squeegee(sp?) and started using it how it is supposed to be used. WHAT?!?
Lookin' fly
Believe it or not, this is peek-a-boo. She used to cover her ears. We have moved her hands in, so now we just got to get them up a little.
I was trying to make a zoo, but Lydia kept knocking it down! :(
This is the scenic route we took to Flagstaff to go to the fair. This is in Sedona.
Lydia loved the cows and wanted to touch them.
It rained and got cold in Flagstaff. I didn't know it was possible to be cold in Arizona. Luckily, we brought her jacket that she will probably only wear this one time!
Wiped out from the fair
Her hair is growing!
Almost every time I leave Thomas to dress Lydia, he puts her in these overalls. My little hick.
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