A Little More Personal

     If you didn't know me in grade school, you would probably be surprised to know that I was extremely shy to the point of not saying a single word at school. If you only knew me in grade school, you might be surprised to know that now I talk to people! It is still a struggle, but I talk to people! How did I make the transition? I'm not really sure. But here is a small part of my story:

     I don't know why I refused to talk at school. Was it because I didn't want to get in trouble? Was it because I didn't want people to get to know me and then reject me? Was it because I was afraid of being hurt? I think it may be a little of a lot of different reasons. But whatever it was, there I was. Silent.

     There were times teachers would take me aside and tell me I had to ask or answer a question or I would miss out on participation points and my grade would suffer. There were times when gymnastics coaches told my mom that if I didn't start talking, I couldn't practice anymore. There were times when the doctors would joke that they were testing my eyes and I was testing their hearing. There were times the others at school would make fun of me, talk about me when they knew I could hear them, or make a game with their friends out of trying to get me to say something.

      I wanted to talk. I wanted to be like the "normal" kids. I wanted to have friends. But I couldn't help it. Many times I was physically unable to get the words out. I'd try, but silence. If by some miracle I got the words out, they didn't sound like me. It was a total out of body experience. Like someone else was using my mouth to speak. The words felt distant. They were always extremely quiet. I hated not being able to talk normally. I hated me. I wished I could disappear just like my words had.

     I went away to college and that helped with my shyness a lot. It was a new start. No one knew me as the "weird shy girl". No one was waiting by to hear me say something so they could run to their friends and brag that they had heard "the mute" speak. Freshman year I went a little overboard being loud and crazy as I was trying to figure it all out. I have since mellowed out, but I still struggle every single day with talking to people. I hate ordering food, asking for help in a store, checking out, or any other situation where there is another human being and talking involved.

     I dread social situations. I am often stuck in my grade school mindset that no one really wants to hang out with me. I was invited a few weeks ago to meet up with some people somewhere. I got there early and the whole time I waited for others to show up, I just knew that they had invited me and were watching from somewhere else making fun of me and the fact that I had showed up--making fun of the fact that I would ever think we could be friends. Now, this wasn't true in the least, but my brain had convinced me of this by the time someone else finally showed up. I was then self conscious about every word I spoke, which is how it is most of the time.

     It is so hard to be at social functions. When I do hang out with other people, I have to prep emotionally beforehand and Thomas usually gives me pep talks to help me out. Then afterwards, I go word for word through the conversation trying to figure out what I should have said instead of what I did say or when I should have just shut up and listened. I am usually up all night regretting every single word I've said.

     There are a lot of times I just want to revert back to my non-talking self. Life would be so much easier to fade into the background again. So why don't I?  People sometimes ask the question "what is your biggest regret?" Being shy is my biggest regret. What would life be like if I had talked to people? Would I have more friends? Would I have gone further in gymnastics if I had actually talked to my teammates and coaches? Would I have been able to stand up for myself and prevent terrible things from happening to me? Would I have made a difference in someone's life? Would I be a better wife and mother?

     Thomas is the only person I have ever been able to talk to without reservation and without reviewing and critiquing each and every work I had said afterwards. Lydia has been a real help, too. She is very social and always wants to be with friends. This has been a big challenge for me and it is really hard. I am awkward. I stumble over my words, say silly things that don't relate to what the other person just said, I don't know when to leave or how to leave, I don't know when to talk and when to be quiet, and I just don't know what to say.


     I feel like I am learning now what everyone else learned in preschool--how to talk to people and make friends. It is not easy for me. It is overwhelming and it is a real struggle. I am trying, though. I am working on making eye contact. I am working on not just nodding "yes" and "no". I don't know if I will ever be comfortable in social situations, but I am trying.

     So why am I writing all this and sharing this with you? I have no idea.It's personal and embarrassing, but I felt strongly that I needed to share it. Maybe it is so I can do some healing of my own. Maybe it is so other shy people like me know they aren't alone. I'm not sure. Please just know I am trying. I am trying to be a good friend. I am trying to say the right things. I am trying not to hide like I've done my whole life.