This is pretty much what my brain feels like. It is constantly full of all of that stuff- stress, anxiety, depression, shame, and on and on.
I have depression. Major, severe depression. In the past couple of years, I have been hospitalized twice for it. Each time was around 2 weeks. I have tried CBT and DBT which are forms of therapy to help with depression. I understand the things taught and I guess it helped a little, but the depression remains pretty severe. I've tried 2 different psychs since being here in Arizona and I have been on SO many combinations of meds that it's ridiculous. In all, I have tried over 20 different psych meds in all different classes (SNRIs, SSRIs, etc.). Yet, here I am. Still struggling to make it day to day.
When I say I suffer from severe depression, I mean it. And I have fought it for most of my life. I started cutting when I was really young and I have had several suicide attempts. I do pretty good at hiding my scars and I still slip up and cut every now and then. It's really hard to stop and it is definitely an addiction. It doesn't help that there is so much shame surrounding it. So I will cut, feel guilt and shame for cutting, and then cut again because of the shame. It is a pretty vicious cycle.
I feel like OCD is pretty misunderstood. I always thought it meant you were a germaphobe and wanted things perfect and in their rightful place. My counselor kept saying she thought we were missing a part to my mental health battle and she couldn't figure it out. Then one day, it clicked and we realized I have OCD on top of everything else. I am not a total germaphobe, though I like things to be clean and all. But I have intrusive thoughts. They are intrusive suicidal thoughts. My obsession isn't cleanliness, but suicide. My compulsion is planning or attempting suicide or self harm. I also have other little OCD behaviors like checking to make sure the door is locked multiple times before going to bed, redoing my hair over and over until it is perfect, and thoughts of needing to escape. So if you come to my house and see the disaster that it is, you would probably never guess that I suffer from OCD, but I do. I've been through a workbook my counselor gave me and that helped ,but it is still a struggle.
I don't really want to go into much detail with this one, but I have PTSD. I have flashbacks randomly throughout the day and have nightmares every night. Anything from something on TV to a loud noise to one of the kids doing something will trigger a flashback for me. I only get an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the nightmares. I'm scared to sleep because I don't want to have to re-live all of that stuff over and over again and then once I do fall asleep, it is really hard for me to stay asleep. I am on 3 different meds to help with sleep. My counselor has done EMDR with me which has helped a lot, but it is still a struggle and I have a feeling it always will be.
Ok. I LOVE psych. It is a hilarious show. There is one episode where Shawn and Gus go undercover at a mental health hospital. When I am feeling especially crazy, I like to watch this episode because it's pretty funny. I have been there. I have been in the hospital. I have been with other crazies. And it is even funnier now. Why, you ask? The GIF above has a guy in the right background with long hair. See how out of it he is? There is kind of an ongoing joke that he has something done on the 2nd floor of the hospital and that is why he is so catatonic. Shawn asks, "what happens on the 2nd floor?" and one of the other patients says, "All I know is when you come back, you can't remember your name much less what you had for breakfast that morning."
Turns out, this guy is undergoing ECT- electroconvulsive therapy. Electric shock. Well, guess what? I just started ECT! There are a lot of misunderstandings and myths about it. Some include- it gives you brain damage, it is barbaric, it's not safe, it will change your personality, and it gives you permanent memory loss.
I was starting to get desperate. The suicidal ideation was at its worst. The flashbacks were unbearable. I went to my psych for help and she said, "Well, you are on a lot of different medications and your doses are pretty high. There isn't much else I can do, you just need to keep going to therapy and take care of it through counseling." Then I would go to counseling and my therapist would say, " I'm doing what I can and you know the coping skills. You have static going on and your meds are off. You need to work with the psych to figure that out." Basically, it felt like everyone had given up on me and no one could help me. Thomas and I talked and prayed and talked and prayed. I was at a loss of what to do.
I knew I needed to do something because we are about to move to Texas for residency and residency is tough. It scared me to think about being alone with the kids all day and night and not being mentally stable. So Thomas and I went to the temple. We decided I should go to the temple as much as I could that week. I went to the temple 4 days in a row. I was praying for an answer about what we should do. I knew I needed to get this under control before we move. Then the thought "look into ECT" came into my mind. I thought it was crazy. I'd never qualify for that. But the thought kept coming to my mind. So we went with it.
We made an appointment and not only did the psych say I was a perfect candidate, but you are supposed to do 12 sessions of it over 4 weeks. Which just happened to be the exact amount of time we have left here before we are moving. So I started 2 days later. I have now had 5 sessions of it.
So what is it like??
-I go in Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning fasting. I go back and they give me anesthesia, a muscle relaxer, and something to dry up my mouth. Next thing I know, I am waking up with Thomas by my side. It takes a total of 10 minutes.
-The memory thing is legit. My short term memory isn't great and it is pretty annoying. Thomas says I am on par with his memory now, but I know he's just being nice. My memory isn't so bad that I don't remember who or where I am or where the kids are or whatnot. It's just little things like what plans I had made the day before, what we had done the night before, and I feel like I've been repeating myself a lot because I forget that I've already told Thomas something and I'll say it again.
-It's annoying to have to find babysitters so much. I really don't like asking for help all the time so to ask every other day makes me feel pretty guilty. Technically, Thomas could just drop me off and pick me up, but it is really nice to have him by my side.
-It's working! I haven't had as strong of suicidal thoughts. Suicide was on my mind 24/7 a week ago. Everything I saw turned into a way to kill myself. For example, I'd be driving down the road and see an overpass and all I'd be able to think about was jumping off of it. But now my mind has never felt this clear and light. Someone told me the other day that I seemed more animated than normal. It's just the beginning. I still have 7 more treatments so I'm not even halfway done yet.
Mental health. There is so much shame associated with it, but so many suffer from it whether you have the mental illness yourself or a loved one does. I think the most dangerous thing to do is to try to hide it. I am so guilty of putting on a happy face and pretending all is well when inside I am falling apart. I don't want others to suffer the way I did. Reach out for help. Don't be ashamed. It isn't your fault. You have friends and family that love you and you can always rely on me to be there for you and be able to empathize with you. Life is hard. We don't have to do it alone. You have friends, family, and a loving Heavenly Father.
So now you know if you didn't already-- I'm crazy! :) I asked Thomas to write a blog post about what it is like to be the loved one of someone with mental illness so keep an eye out for that. He'll get to it eventually.
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