Milestones: It was a BIG week for Lydia. She started nutritive breastfeeding, moved to an open crib, was put on a normal nasal cannula, got rid of the Rhino virus, stopped venting her feeds, is getting feeds over a shorter period of time, and got off the caffeine
Breathing: Lydia got off the high flow nasal cannula and moved to a normal one. It is really nice because we don't have to clip the huge tube to us anymore when we hold her. She is on 1/2 liter per minute and stays at around 25-30% oxygen. We want her down to 21.
Thoughts: The doctors and nurses all warned me that feeding would be the most frustrating thing. I didn't believe them til now. We weight Lydia before and after she eats to see how many mls she gets. It is really frustrating sometimes because I swear that scale is off. Saturday was a rough day for me because Lydia was off the caffeine so she was having more bradies. She was also constipated so she was crying the whole time. Thomas and his dad were hiking Timp so I was alone trying to feed her. She had 3 bradies in a row the first time I fed her. The second time she had one. She got 0 mls both times. I was so frustrated and didn't want to try to feed her ever again. The nurse that day also gave me the vibe that he didn't want me there. He basically told me to leave. He did all of her cares and didn't let me help.
There was a huge surge in babies at the NICU so we are getting nurses we haven't had before. It is slightly frustrating because they don't know us and don't know that we can do everything and like to do everything. We have been there long enough we have it down. I know they are just doing their job though. Saturday made me really appreciate Thomas. He is such an amazing husband and is right there for support. He is an amazing Daddy and his little girl is so lucky to have him.
I cried pretty much all day Saturday and prayed harder than I ever have. I was really stressed out and started throwing up because I was so upset. I took Sunday off and slept through a bunch of pumpings and didn't go to the hospital until 8pm. I felt like a terrible mom leaving my baby alone all day, but I was not emotionally stable. I had hit a breaking point. I didn't want to feed her or touch her ever again for fear she would brady. I absolutely HATE the sound of the alarm that means someone is having a brady. It is the worst sound in the world to me right now.
I am really struggling with the concept of hope right now. Lydia is supposed to get out around her due date which is in 4 weeks. I don't want to buy a carseat or get a bed or get ready for her at all because I worry she won't come home for much longer than that. I don't want to get all excited for her to come home just to have her stay there longer. I think its easier to think she won't get out so that I won't be disappointed when she doesn't and I will be ecstatic if she gets out on time! It is tricky. I want to have hope, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am convinced we will be stuck there longer than 4 more weeks.
I really want my baby home with me. I know she needs to be stable before I take her home, but I want her home.
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