Week 10

Weight: around 5 lbs 14 oz

Breathing: 1/2 liter per minute and stayed at 21% for 4 days. Lydia goes up to 1 liter per minute and 30% for feeds

Milestones: Mommy made it 5 days all alone! Lydia moved to cue based feeding which means she is able to take all feeds by mouth if she wakes up on her own and shows she is ready and wants it. She takes as much as she wants, then the rest goes through her feeding tube. She is getting better at eating.

Thoughts: Remember a few weeks ago when I said I thought Lydia would take 4 more weeks even though everyone was telling me otherwise? I was right. I hate that I was right, but I was. Lydia's due date is next Friday. That is when they originally thought she would be out. Now they are telling us it will be 2-3 more weeks. I kind of wish they would tell me one more week then next week tell me one more week. It is easier to take it one week at a time. 2-3 more weeks seems impossible. I know we will make it because we have to, but it just really stinks.

When the nurse practitioner told me it would be 2-3 more weeks, I had to leave the hospital. Thomas was still out of town and I couldn't handle the news. We have done our time. I just want my baby at home with me and Thomas. I was getting excited to head to Texas but now it seems like everything is falling apart. I want to believe things will work out, but its getting harder to believe that.

Lydia is getting cuter and cuter every day. We are very blessed to have her in our lives. When I tell some people that I want her home right now they tell me that I need to wait until she is healthy because she needs to be healthy before she comes home. I'm not a terrible mother, I know she needs to be healthy before she comes home. I don't want her home right now as an unhealthy child. I want her healthy and home right now. I still don't even feel like I can call myself her mom. I still look at pictures and videos of her more than I actually see her and hold her. It's kind of pathetic. I barely get to do anything for her. I can change her foot probe, change her diaper, and take her temperature. I guess I feed her too, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not a real mom yet.


I'm getting more jealous/angry when I see others with their babies. I know being a new mom is hard for everyone, but I would much rather have a break down with a baby in my arms than have these breakdowns with empty arms, an empty crib, and an empty car seat. It just doesn't seem fair. Am I not a good enough person to be able to have my child yet? Did I do something wrong? Why am I not allowed to have my baby and all these other people can have theirs?