Lydia 8 weeks

Weight: 5lbs 3oz

Breathing: at 1/2 liter per minute at 25-30% oxygen

Milestones: We participated in Lydia's bath for the first time! (the nurses have always done it without us before), Thomas got to feed her a bottle!, Lydia got 34 mls from me which is 77% of her feeding, Lydia is more awake and alert when feeding time comes

Thoughts: The alarm that goes off when a brady happens is my least favorite sound. The other night, it went off 8 times. Only one was a real brady and the rest were just the probe not picking up her heart rate, but it still stressed me out. Every time I hear the sound my heart aches. Lydia has to go 7 days with no bradies before she can come home. Every time that alarm goes off, it means at least another 7 days.
          I love the nurses at the hospital, but some times... Lydia had a brady and was bringing her oxygen sats back up. I was holding her and the nurse said she needed to take her to help calm her down. Are you for real? I can rub my baby's back just as well as anyone. I am the mom. I am supposed to be able to calm and comfort my child. It is my duty to my baby girl. When she took Lydia from me it was like she ripped a piece of me away. I understand if Lydia was blue or not breathing, but she looked fine. Her oxygen was a little low, but its nothing we haven't seen before. It is hard to get new nurses that don't know that we know what we are doing. I can't say I am better than them at their job, but I am Lydia's mom. I can take care of her pretty well.
          I can't believe it's been 8 weeks. It has been a looong 8 weeks, but I am so proud of Lydia. She has done amazingly well and is progressing so much! I was looking at pictures from her first weeks and it is incredible how much she has changed. She is doing so well all things considering. It is sometimes disheartening to see her struggling with certain things, but I just have to remember how far she has come. She is amazing and such a fighter. We are so blessed to have her.
          We had family home evening earlier this week. It was awesome, but something was missing- our daughter. Is it really family home evening if you don't have your whole family? I think we will have part of our FHE at the hospital from now on.
          Trials are part of life. I have been through many. It is amazing how you learn something new from each and every one. I am grateful for the trials I have been through. They have made me who I am. They have strengthened my testimony and made me a strong person. They have made me empathetic to others and made it to where I can help others as they suffer through their own trials.
          I am so grateful for the Gospel. I love the temple and the peace and comfort that comes from attending it. I am grateful that we are not alone as we pass through this life. I would never be able to make it through this without my amazing husband and my Heavenly Father. The NICU is a sad place. Most parents there look so sad. Since day 1, Thomas and I are usually smiling and happy when visiting the NICU because we know how blessed we are. We have an incredibly cute daughter that we love more than words can express. We know she will be with us for eternity and THAT is amazing. I am so glad that I NEVER have to worry about never seeing my daughter again. The plan of salvation is such a blessing.
            This post has kind of been all over the place. Most likely because my mind is all over the place. I could blame it on lack of sleep or stress, but it's just the way I am! I am so grateful for my family. Thomas has referred to the three of us as BFFs- Best family forever!!!

     Grandmother gave us these booties. They are hanging in our car so we take Lydia  with us everywhere we go.

Week 7 for our baby girl

Weight: 4 lbs 15 oz


Milestones: It was a BIG week for Lydia. She started nutritive breastfeeding, moved to an open crib, was put on a normal nasal cannula, got rid of the Rhino virus, stopped venting her feeds, is getting feeds over a shorter period of time, and got off the caffeine


Breathing: Lydia got off the high flow nasal cannula and moved to a normal one. It is really nice because we don't have to clip the huge tube to us anymore when we hold her. She is on 1/2 liter per minute and stays at around 25-30% oxygen. We want her down to 21.


Thoughts: The doctors and nurses all warned me that feeding would be the most frustrating thing. I didn't believe them til now. We weight Lydia before and after she eats to see how many mls she gets. It is really frustrating sometimes because I swear that scale is off. Saturday was a rough day for me because Lydia was off the caffeine so she was having more bradies. She was also constipated so she was crying the whole time. Thomas and his dad were hiking Timp so I was alone trying to feed her. She had 3 bradies in a row the first time I fed her. The second time she had one. She got 0 mls both times. I was so frustrated and didn't want to try to feed her ever again. The nurse that day also gave me the vibe that he didn't want me there. He basically told me to leave. He did all of her cares and didn't let me help.
        There was a huge surge in babies at the NICU so we are getting nurses we haven't had before. It is slightly frustrating because they don't know us and don't know that we can do everything and like to do everything. We have been there long enough we have it down. I know they are just doing their job though.  Saturday made me really appreciate Thomas. He is such an amazing husband and is right there for support. He is an amazing Daddy and his little girl is so lucky to have him.
         I cried pretty much all day Saturday and prayed harder than I ever have. I was really stressed out and started throwing up because I was so upset. I took Sunday off and slept through a bunch of pumpings and didn't go to the hospital until 8pm. I felt like a terrible mom leaving my baby alone all day, but I was not emotionally stable. I had hit a breaking point. I didn't want to feed her or touch her ever again for fear she would brady. I absolutely HATE the sound of the alarm that means someone is having a brady. It is the worst sound in the world to me right now.
          I am really struggling with the concept of hope right now. Lydia is supposed to get out around her due date which is in 4 weeks. I don't want to buy a carseat or get a bed or get ready for her at all because I worry she won't come home for much longer than that. I don't want to get all excited for her to come home just to have her stay there longer. I think its easier to think she won't get out so that I won't be disappointed when she doesn't and I will be ecstatic if she gets out on time! It is tricky. I want to have hope, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am convinced we will be stuck there longer than 4 more weeks.
         I really want my baby home with me. I know she needs to be stable before I take her home, but I want her home.

Lydia Week 6-about halfway done with NICU stay!

Weight: 4 lbs 9 oz

Breathing: Lydia was moved back up to 4.0 liters per minute on the high flow because of the cold. She is back down to 2.0 liters per minute and stay around 23-24% oxygen. She went down to room air which is 21% for about 2 minutes.

Milestones: Lydia is semi-nutritive breastfeeding now...sometimes and she got a new cousin!

Changes: Lydia is slowly getting over her cold. She was put on liquid protein and iron as well as a different milk formula. All three of these things cause constipation. She didn't poop for 31 hours so they gave her a suppository. After that she went, but now she has gotten 2 more suppositories and still hasn't pooped. She is pretty uncomfortable ,as anyone would be, and is workin' hard to try to get it out.

Thoughts: This week has been especially hard for me. Like Thomas said, "It's like getting a Christmas present and not having batteries for it." It is really hard to have Lydia in the hospital for so long. I know it seems like it is going by fast for a lot of people, but it isn't for me. It's hard. Every hormone in my body is telling me that I should have a baby in my arms, that I should be waking up to a baby's cry to feed her, that I should be a mother. Instead I am fat and have no cute baby in my arms to show for it, I wake up to alarms to pump, and I don't feel like a real mom. I look at pictures of my baby more than I see her in person. She should be surrounded by loving family, but instead she is all alone in an isolation room all day. She has nurses that sometimes call her "naughty" because she isn't breathing well.  Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that she is doing well and that she will eventually get well enough to come home. I am grateful she is alive. I am grateful for the doctors and nurses taking care of her. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I want her home. I want to hold her all day long instead of a nurse telling me I have to put her back in bed. I can't wait for these next 5 weeks to be over. It seems like forever to me.

On a different note, I know Heavenly Father is aware of our situation. He is looking out for us. I am grateful for all the people that have heeded to promptings from him. There have been days when we are worn out and not sure what we are going to eat. We go to the hospital in the morning from 10:30 til about 12:30 and at night from 4:30 til about 9. Going back and forth to the hospital is a lot of gas. I'm also so exhausted from going, pumping, coming home, pumping, going back, pumping, and on and on that we haven't been to the store in a while. There have been a couple of nights when I don't know what we even have to eat and we can't just eat out every night, but almost every one of those nights someone has texted and asked if they could bring us dinner. We are so grateful for that. It means more than I can express.

We will get through this hardship and we will both be better for it. There is peace in knowing that we are not alone in this. I just want my baby.

Lydia Week 5!

Weight: Lydia got up to 4 lbs this week!

Respiratory: Lydia got down to 2.0 liters per minute on the high flow. She is pretty stuffy from the virus though, so they moved her back up to 4.0 liters per minute. Her brady cardias are getting less frequent which is awesome!

Milestones: Lydia had her appointment with the OT this week to help us teach Lydia how to suck. She did a good job and is getting better and better at sucking. She is weaning off the prolacta which is the stuff they add to my milk to giver her extra calories.

Thoughts: Life in the NICU is exhausting. There are times I can't wake up to go see Lydia. It makes me feel really guilty on those days. I can't stand how guilty I feel, but I know I have to take care of myself. I have also never been so paranoid about getting sick in my life. I can't afford to get sick because I HAVE to be with my baby. I have gotten to be really sensitive about other people's posts and comments about children. When they complain about their kids being messy or not sleeping through the night or them not having their own life anymore because their kids are complaining and taking up their time. I would give anything for that. Anything to have my baby healthy and at home. Breathing on her own. Able to eat on her own. I would give anything. Be grateful for your children. Be grateful you can hold them whenever you want. Be grateful they are home with you. Be grateful you have the blessing of seeing them whenever you want. Some days are harder than others. There are times when I feel so guilty about having high blood pressure and making my baby go through this. When I see other people with their babies walking down the road or in the store I feel a pang of jealousy. It makes me angry that I get so jealous about it. I don't feel whole when I am not with Lydia. It is like a piece of me is missing. This isn't how it was supposed to go. She should be with us. She should be at home.

Rhino Virus

We noticed that Lydia was a lot more snotty than she usually was. She was also de-sating a lot lower than usual. We told the doctor this and he decided to do a culture of her secretions. It came back positive for the rhino virus. Basically, it is a cold. Lydia is now in an isolation room. We have to gown, glove, and mask up before we can go in the room. She is doing alright for being sick. It is really hard to see her struggling to breathe and coughing. She is so tiny. I wish she didn't have to go through this. Hopefully she will fight it off quickly and get back to growing. I can still do non-nutritive breastfeeding with her and skin to skin. This morning I held her just bundled up in blankets and she did not do well at all. Her oxygen was really low and we ended up having to put her back. Tonight I did skin to skin with her and she did a lot better. She was pretty restless when we left though. It was so hard to leave. She was so cute and seemed so fidgety. She was crying as we tried to say goodbye. I couldn't leave her. I had to stay until she calmed down. I wish I could just be there all the time and hold her whenever I want. I wish I could take this virus away from her and make her feel all better. My poor baby is so tiny and now on top of that she is sick. :(

Lydia's week 4

Weight: 3 lbs 7 oz (got up to 9 oz but then pooped it all out)

Breathing: down to 2.5 liters per minute on the high flow

Milestones: She wore clothes for the first time and took a bath! Lydia also hit the 3 pound mark which is huge! She is a lot more alert and responds to my voice. She is also doing non-nutritive breastfeeding. She has latched a few times which is amazing for a baby as little as she is.


Thoughts: A baby was born at 23 weeks and 6 days. It lasted one day. Thomas had made friends with the dad of the baby while scrubbing in. When we saw him the next day it was heartbreaking. This baby's room was next to our baby so we heard them taking all the pictures and taking off the ventilator. It was really sad. There have been two babies that have passed away since we have been there. It makes me really grateful that Lydia is doing so well.

NICU thoughts and feelings

Lydia is doing well, but it is still hard to see all the babies around her come and go. It doesn't seem fair. They have come in after her but they are leaving before her. It is hard to see parents walk in with their car seats so they can get the car seat check and get the heck out of dodge. I get really jealous.

It also makes me mad that sometimes the family of healthy babies wait in the NICU waiting room. They are all so happy and have a healthy baby that is big and breathing and just fine. It doesn't seem fair and it makes me sad that my baby has such a long time left here.

I have nightmares every night about Lydia. My nightmares are about getting a call from the hospital that no parent wants. It is terrifying and I am not sleeping as well because of it. I think about her every second of every day. Every time I close my eyes I see her. She is so stinkin' cute and I love her so much. It is hard to not be able to hold her whenever I want. I can't wait until she wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming, until she spits up all over me while I'm feeding her. People always talk about how much work babies are and how hard it is to take care of. I think it's harder to have a baby but not be able to take care of her. I want my baby.

On a different note, this week we noticed a baby on a ventilator. The first time I saw her, I thought to myself, "so glad we aren't still on the ventilator". Four days later, that baby was still on the ventilator. It was late at night and there were about 10 family members surrounding the baby's bed. You are only allowed 2 visitors at the bedside at a time, so this was a big cue something wasn't right. Then the dad was holding the baby and they were taking lots of pictures. You can't hold babies that are on ventilators, so this was another big sign. The next day there was a sign by the door that said we couldn't walk that way, but we still heard the ventilator going. I don't know what was going on with that girl, but I knew it wasn't good. Today when we got to the hospital, the bed space where she was was empty. I held Lydia a little tighter today. We have been so blessed to have our baby doing so well.


Look at her cute dimples!!!

Looking so innocent and peaceful